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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what to do.

51 replies

Pebbledashery · 12/12/2020 13:25

My daughter has contact session with her father this weekend. My car has broken down. I can't get it fixed till Monday now. Its going to take over 5 hours on a train or will cost me in excess of £180 in taxis.. Neither of which I can afford because he doesn't contribute financially towards his daughter. What do I do. I don't know what to do. I don't want to breach the court order but I'm literally going to pass out with the stress working out how to get there. Nobody can take me.. And they can't come here to pick up DD as we live in an undisclosed location.. Exes and also his solicitor are complete bullies and said if I miss contact for any reason they will apply for penal notices. I'm scared. I don't know how to do.

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 12/12/2020 13:27

I don't know what the legal position is, but logically, you can't go. Keep evidence of your attempts to get the car fixed and the costs you can't afford. inform the father, if you have a contact number. Take deep breaths and have a good 'extra' afternoon with your dd.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 12/12/2020 13:27

In the real world, cars break down. If they apply for court orders, and you can produce garage bills, then I would imagine your ex would get laughed out of court. Can he come and get her?

RandomMess · 12/12/2020 13:29

How far can you take her easily and cheaply to get her part way there?

I would offer that in writing explains the circumstances and that you've exhausted all other options.

Thanks
RandomMess · 12/12/2020 13:31

You could also offer him alternate dates to swap for as an option.

BaronessBomburst · 12/12/2020 13:31

Take a Covid test.
Now you can't go! Wink

Peace43 · 12/12/2020 13:34

Offer for him to collect and/or swap weekends. That’s the best you can do under the circumstances!

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 12/12/2020 13:35

I have to take her all the way there as he can't come anywhere near us.. His solicitor was pushing for me to accept the SW coming to my house to pick up DD but I am not at all comfortable with anyone knowing where we live. He's absolutely desperate to find out where we are and the minute he knows he'll be harassing and stalking me. I've been in tears all morning not knowing what to do. My solicitor kindly rang me after I sent her a text asking what to do. She said if there's simply no way I can go we need to tell him today but if she was me she'd try and find the money for a cab.. It'll demonstrate how far I'll go to keep to the court order and it'll be raised at the next hearing also because he's claiming parental alienation etc. Would it be reasonable to ask if he could pay half for a taxi?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebbledashery · 12/12/2020 13:36

He or the social worker that he's paying can't come to us to pick her up as I won't allow anyone knowing where we live. I've said I would facilitate an extra contact session in the week and take annual leave but I think they are just waiting for any excuse for me to breach the court order to apply for enforcement.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 12/12/2020 13:37

And they can't come here to pick up DD as we live in an undisclosed location.

From the OP for those who say he could pick her up.

HollowTalk · 12/12/2020 13:38

You can't possibly pay £180 in taxi fares - why on earth is your solicitor recommending you do that? He doesn't even pay child maintenance!

Get strong evidence that your car has broken down. Are you in the AA? Can you call them out? Get someone from your local garage to confirm you can't drive it?

I agree with you about not letting a SW pick up from your house. Does your ex know which town you live in? Hopefully not. If he does, though, can you arrange to meet the SW at a cafe in town?

What's the plan anyway if the SW picks up? Is he going to drive all that way? (If so, it begs the question of how he has no money for child support.)

Doyoumind · 12/12/2020 13:41

When are you supposed to be there and how long is contact for? Is there no one who can help you out by driving you at least part of the way?

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 12/12/2020 13:42

@hollowtalk I think she's just trying to advise me from a legal perspective and not give them any excuse to apply for enforcement. 180 I could get the eurostar and meet them in Paris for cheaper! I've just taken a video of me trying to start my car which evidences the fact its broken! I've got a mechanic coming on Monday to fix it. There's no way in hell he or these dodgy social workers he's paying are coming to my house. DD and I fled domestic violence and moved as far away as we possibly could and now we're both being forced to see this violent man. We both have a right to live in safety and peace and as long as I'm breathing he'll never know where we live.
Yes, I thought that too. He's paying for independent social workers yet doesn't pay a single penny towards his daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebbledashery · 12/12/2020 13:44

@doyoumind it's a really long drive, nearly 2 hours. It's a 1 hour contact session over lunch. I don't know anyone in the area I've moved to who can take me and have no family nearby.
His solicitor rang mine this week to basically check I was still going this weekend and threatened if I don't they'll apply for enforcement. That's why I'm scared. All of them are just trying to bully me.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/12/2020 13:44

Does your daughter want to see him? Could you say (roughly) what age she is?

80sColourfulChristmas · 12/12/2020 13:46

Tell them you've developed Covid symptoms! Get a test booked also for the paper trail as once you take a test you have to isolate by law until results! Then technically it's THEIR decision not to risk seeing you

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 12/12/2020 13:46

She's not of an age where she has her own opinion of him yet. She's only little. But above all else the actual supervised contact seems to be going OK from her perspective that's the only reason I've been going. Because she's been through enough and I won't have her messed around anymore and won't have him coming in and out of her life.

OP posts:
80sColourfulChristmas · 12/12/2020 13:48

No court in the LAND would or could dispute you isolating with Covid symptoms.........

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 12/12/2020 13:48

So it's all very well for your (well paid) solicitor saying find the money. She's not financing it is she. Sorry, I didn't absorb that he doesn't/can't know where you live. I think you have the evidence to back up why you can't go, and your solicitor should have your back.

Prisonbreak · 12/12/2020 13:50

Haven’t you just texted positive for covid and now have to isolate? Wink

user1936863452 · 12/12/2020 13:51

Why do you keep posting about this without mentioning the man is violent and dangerous and cafcass are trying to prevent contact with the man?

Prisonbreak · 12/12/2020 13:51

Tested*

user1936863452 · 12/12/2020 13:53

"Going ok from her perspective" ... Aside from crying and screaming in terror when faced with him? Ok then.

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 12/12/2020 13:55

@Prisonbreak no that was DD she had a temperature I got her tested yesterday and got the results back this morning so she's fine. I knew it wouldn't have been covid anyway as this is the third time she had a temperature at nursery. Now it's my f*ing car.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebbledashery · 12/12/2020 13:58

@user1936863452 I know. You're right. But until we go back to court there's nothing I'm able to do except abide by the Court order. He is extremely violent and abusive and the judge ordered this contact without seeing all of the evidence. He's forcing us both to see this disgusting and abusive man. Cafcass can only do so much. What can they do if the courts aren't listening. It makes me physically sick taking her there for contact with him every week. I know its inevitable he's going to get me followed home. But I'm the one who would be breaching the court order by not going.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 12/12/2020 14:00

Stick with the truth of the situation and don’t lie about COVID symptoms and tests. Being caught in a lie won’t help your defence against accusations of alienation. But it will help his case.

As long as this is not part of a pattern of cancelled visits and it is evident the car can’t be fixed and the taxi is unaffordable then it will be seen as a one off.