Step Grandparent Thing- How would you handle this?

[PregnantGrrrl]

OK, sorry if this is long!

DH's mother died from cancer the year i got pregnant with DS. I knew and loved her for many years before she died, and obviously DH did too.

DH's parents seperated a long time before i met him. FIL left MIL for who is now STEP-MIL in quite a underhand spiteful way. MIL had nervous breakdown, wouldn't divorce him and FIL and STEP MIL only married after MIL died.

DH hadn't spoken to his father since the split- they only spoke again at MIL's funeral after many years, and since DS was born we have had a reasonable relationship with him (he dotes on DS) and his wife. Although STEP MIL is a bit full on sometimes, she clearly loves DS very much, and has helped us out with little things- like driving me to a scan when our car was knackered.

FIL is referred to as Grampa-[First Name], and she is referred to by her first name. DH, SIL and I all feel like her being called 'Gran' or something similar is a bit much for us- as though it's forgetting about 'real' MIL, and would be v. disrespectful since STEP MIL was 'other woman' for years etc etc. STEP MIL had never asked to be called anything different, and has always seemed happy with being called by her first name.

HOWEVER- when DS had his birthday a few months ago, they brought a specially made card with an odd pet name down for her name. SIL told us that a drunken STEP MIL told her she wanted to be called this pet name from now on by any kids we / SIL have. It's a ridiculous name, and we've only just been able to stop giggling at it (in private!)

FIL and STEP MIL haven't mentioned this to us though- they didn't explain the card, and nothing has been said since. Since then, SIL was accidentally called by DS when he was at FIL's house,(DS had been playing with the phone) and she could hear FIL coaching DS to say this pet name, even though nothing has been said to us.

The more time passes, the more stupid this gets. I want to just ask them outright about it, and discuss what she wants to be called, DH says just to leave it. Until when?!

Part of me feels mean for not wanting her to be called 'Gran', and as silly as the pet name is, if that's what she wants and that's what the kids want to call her, i don't mind it.

But how do i approach this now? I know they are trying to get DS to call her the name when we aren't there, but they still haven't explained anything about the card. If SIL hadn't explained it, we'd still be confused (and amused!)

I like the idea of a pet name for her if that's what she and you are comfortable with, and I think they are probably waiting to see if you are OK with it.
My kids call my step-dad Grandad, and my step-Mum Grandma as I didn't want to carry any baggage from my relationship with them through to the kids (not that you are it's just how I see it for my family). They have 3 Grandads but have never questioned it, although when they ask who my Dad is I sometimes give them different answers!

No - I think you're doing well to consider how to include her - maybe I haven't read through properly to see why she's not just Granny? Think card is nice idea.

I am a step gran to three little boys. My DH is 21 years older than me and I am far too young to be a gran, so I don't mind that the boys call me by my real name.

What hurts though, is that any time we see the boys, I get excluded. DHs DS and DIL make a big thing of their sons bonding with Grampy, and I get pushed into the background. I wasn't even allowed to hold them when they were babies.

BTW I met and married DH long after his divorce from XW. Also XW and I get on very well.

I can understand why you don't want DS to call her Gran and it is a very strange name that she wants to be called. I think at the end of the day, it's up to the kids what name they are comfortable using when they are old enough to understand. And a name is only a name, it is how a person is treated and felt about that is important, not what name they are called.