Step Grandparent Thing- How would you handle this?

[PregnantGrrrl]

OK, sorry if this is long!

DH's mother died from cancer the year i got pregnant with DS. I knew and loved her for many years before she died, and obviously DH did too.

DH's parents seperated a long time before i met him. FIL left MIL for who is now STEP-MIL in quite a underhand spiteful way. MIL had nervous breakdown, wouldn't divorce him and FIL and STEP MIL only married after MIL died.

DH hadn't spoken to his father since the split- they only spoke again at MIL's funeral after many years, and since DS was born we have had a reasonable relationship with him (he dotes on DS) and his wife. Although STEP MIL is a bit full on sometimes, she clearly loves DS very much, and has helped us out with little things- like driving me to a scan when our car was knackered.

FIL is referred to as Grampa-[First Name], and she is referred to by her first name. DH, SIL and I all feel like her being called 'Gran' or something similar is a bit much for us- as though it's forgetting about 'real' MIL, and would be v. disrespectful since STEP MIL was 'other woman' for years etc etc. STEP MIL had never asked to be called anything different, and has always seemed happy with being called by her first name.

HOWEVER- when DS had his birthday a few months ago, they brought a specially made card with an odd pet name down for her name. SIL told us that a drunken STEP MIL told her she wanted to be called this pet name from now on by any kids we / SIL have. It's a ridiculous name, and we've only just been able to stop giggling at it (in private!)

FIL and STEP MIL haven't mentioned this to us though- they didn't explain the card, and nothing has been said since. Since then, SIL was accidentally called by DS when he was at FIL's house,(DS had been playing with the phone) and she could hear FIL coaching DS to say this pet name, even though nothing has been said to us.

The more time passes, the more stupid this gets. I want to just ask them outright about it, and discuss what she wants to be called, DH says just to leave it. Until when?!

Part of me feels mean for not wanting her to be called 'Gran', and as silly as the pet name is, if that's what she wants and that's what the kids want to call her, i don't mind it.

But how do i approach this now? I know they are trying to get DS to call her the name when we aren't there, but they still haven't explained anything about the card. If SIL hadn't explained it, we'd still be confused (and amused!)

Lakota- it's true. My parents run a business 2hrs drive away, and hardly see DS. She loves him to bits, and treats him like a grandchild. At least he's not missing out.

The card idea is a good one.

But totally agree - why grown adults can't just talk to each other I don't know! My H's family are like this too.

She is their grandparent now, and it is lovely that the children should have a special name to acknowledge that. It is nothing to do with the children what has gone on in the past. And just think how special it would make her feel and how happy it would probably make FIL.

I think it's a really nice idea.

I can see your dilema PregnantGrrrl, If you would rather your dc call your step-mil by her first name, then do so.

I have 3 sets of grandparents, 1 set from dads side, 1 set from mums side and and adoptive set. My brother and Icall all of them nana and grandad. My adoptive nana and grandad are by all accounts my nana and grandad and I would not change them for the world. TBH they are better grandparents than my dads parents have ever been. But I love them all

my step-dad is just grandpa to my dd and her father's father would be grandad except they haven't seen her in a year and she wasn't even talking them. whoooole other story

anyways, i sometimes feel a bit sad because my father died when i was young and so BaPa (dd's name for my step-dad) is the all she knows.

when she's older i'll explain but it's even sadder to know that i wouldn't have a clue what my dad would've preferred.

that's my bag tho, as far as dd is concerned her BaPa is the best in all the world and she adores him and for that I am eternally grateful. especially as he was such a PITA when we were kids!

I can see why you would think it was disrespectful to dp's mother, it really is a tricky one.

My mum is "married" to another woman, they have been together about 14 years, since having my ds it kinda came up about what they wanted him to call her. My mum suggested "granny 1" and "granny too" which I was a bit cringey about, so have tried to continue with "Granny" and "Granny name". The way I see it, she might not be his blood relative but she is a fantastic granny to him.

On a similar tone - my grandma is a bit of an old sl*pper... and decieded that great-grandma sounded too old and has decided she wants to be called gg, (as in horse), when she says it its in a really snidey french accent.. I really have to struggle not to PMSL

my dog is called GG!!!!

PMSL

Surely its what the adults and children concered feel comfortable with. IMO, the only thing that is "wrong" is forcing the situation.

Our family is complex -

My parents divorced and remarried long before I had kids,

therefore Dad and Stepmum = Grandpa and Gran (Dad was my resident parent, tepmum was there through my teenage years).

Mum and Stepdad (my dada ex-best friend) = Granny and Grandad (though for various reasons no currently in touch.

Dh's parents also divorced, only Dad remarried.

MIL - Grannie

FIL - Opa (German) and his wife has no name as she has neve met our children,

To me, calling steps, esp of such long standing, by their first name was rude and needless. Even stepfather, who I have had trouble with on an d off fo ryears, was Grandad, as I didnt want my kids confused. Never crossed my mind, with all the possible names available, not to give them some kind of grandparenty moniker.

sleepycat - because I think it is very, very important that children know who their biological relatives are and I think that Mummy/Mum, Daddy/Dad, Granny/Grandma, Granddad/Grandpa etc should be used to clearly indicate who those biological relatives are.

It's so hard for children when parents or grandparents are separated/divorced/remarried to keep track of their biological families, and it is important to do so.

Anna8888 - it's important what contribution family make to the child's happiness, not ehat genes they share. My dh adopted dd and has always been Daddy to her - would you really prefer we saved that for her drunken, aggressive 'real' father, who TG has now vanished? Sorry, I just feel quite strongly that you are wrong.

well i'm going to get a special Xmas card made with the name on it from the kids, as a guesture of 'we know, and it's ok' etc.

and on the subject of step parents etc- i agree it's the contribution they make and what people are comfortable with. the difference in our situation is that his 'real' gran was part of our lives for many years, but his 'Step Gran' is pretty new on the scene. there's no reason why others can't be called 'Dad', 'Gran' etc when they aren't blood relatives.

morethanmum - oh, I think that if a bio parent has disappeared and a stepparent has adopted, that's a completely different scenario. The point of adoption is to equate to a biological relationship in terms of responsibility etc.

What I mind about is when all parents/grandparents are on the scene - I think that there should only be one Mummy, one Daddy, two Grannies and two Grandads. All the other people should be called by their first name to distinguish them from the biological relationship.

I agree MorethanMum. I am adopted, so where does that leave me. Perhaps I should now start calling my Mum by her christian name, I mean I have been calling her Mum for 46 years, but hey, she isn't my biological Mum so I don't want to confuse my children. What utter rubbish Anna8888 . My DH parents are divorced. His DF has remarried. They are Gramps and Granny. DH DM is Granny Clip Clop (she has a horse, has always been that to all grandchildren). Step Granny does everything a 'biological' Granny does and more. Why shouldn't she get the name as well. My kids are lucky, we are older parents but they have more Grandparents than most and we are thrilled.

Still disagree. At the moment DC are too young to question why they have 3 Grannies. When they are either old enough to understand or start asking then we will explain. At the moment they are loved equally by all 3 and we feel honoured that Step Granny will do that and treat them the same as her own biological Grandchildren.

1 mummy 1 daddy, 2 grannies and 2 granddads?? Oh and 2.4 children and a dog called rover??

I think that is a very old fashioned attitude, and you will probably find that these days at least 50% of people dont fit into the ideal "nuclear" family. Maybe 100 years ago, but this is the 21st century, people die, people get remarried, we dont all fit into the mould. Just because they arent blood related doesnt mean that if a child of 3 decides that they want to call the person that is married to Grandma,Grandpa - the person that takes them to the park, the person who is all they have ever known.

Sorry OP this isn't aimed at you. I understand yours is a different set up. FIL new wife was nothing to do with the break up, had she been it might have been slightly different and a lot more awkward as it was a nasty split involving another woman

i love Granny Clip Clop!

I think that although it's hard for you to accept new MIL, it is you with the history and if she is a good step grandparent to ds, relish that. Binty might be a bit too weird but I think first names just aren't child friendly enough. My mum ruined my relationship with my dec'd father's mum, because she didn't like her from b4 I was born - I really wish I had been given a chance to know her as my granny, not as someone my mum had an attitude about. Sorry -- really long and prob irrelevant.

i have ordered a card with 'the' name on the front, alongside FIL's 'title' for Xmas, from the kids. The name still makes me chuckle, but the woman loves my family, goes out of her way for us / them and to be a grandparent in every sense. If it makes her Xmas, why not?

I'm going to put up a picture of DH's mother in hallway, along with all our other pictures, this weekend. When the kids are old enough to ask, they will know what she looked like, and that a long time ago Grampa X was married to someone else, who was DH's mother.

morethanmum- i hope i didn't give impression i don't accept STEP MIL, i do, it's the Gran thing we find too hard. Ignoring the past, she's a great 'Gran' and MIL.

Mildmanneredaxemurderer bint means daughter in arabic (I'm sure it does) mother is Ummeh, apart from that IU have nothing useful to contribute sorry.

I think it's sweet and I really like the name. We had pet names for our grandparents (actually they were usually known by the name of their pets - Grandma Sindy was Grandma Sindy because she had a dog called Sindy )

I realise I actually don't want to say what the others werebecause they were much loved and the names were "private" between gp and child iykwim. I think it's sweet for your son to have a special name for this woman who is a grandma but isn't.

I think it's very common also to have step grandmas - we have one in our family - also not related and also much loved. So I wouldn't worry too much about all the rules that people are setting out. Families are not nuclear these days and this is a nice way of recognising different roles in a family.