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Relationships

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Original poster

Friend's bf on Tinder

36 replies

whattodo1212 · 12/12/2020 11:50

I have a friend, and we used to be very close. She was my bridesmaid at my wedding. But over the years, we have now drifted apart. Nothing bad or dramatic - we both had to move for work, and developed different interests. It's now however been over a year since we had any contact.

She has been with her bf for 4 years, they moved in together 2 years ago - into the flat she owns.

I'm now divorced and was Tindering over the Summer, and came across her bf. He was definitely active within the last 24 hours (there is a flag on the app), had a full profile and lots of pics - so looked like he was actually interested in dating (rather than just browsing if you see what I mean). I assumed maybe they had broken up - however, heard from a mutual friend that they are still living together and in fact she's hoping he proposes this year.

I told our mutual friend about this (no one else knows and I want to keep it that way), as he is much closer to her these days than I am. And he said he would let her know somehow. This was back in June. But he hasn't said anything yet - and I get the feeling he doesn't want to get involved. He's tends to avoid any conflict as is a bit on the spectrum. Her bf is STILL on Tinder (and has since updated his profile even) and I've heard she is now about to start a business with him, and move out to the country to be closer to his family.

I do not know whether I should say something? It seems horrible though to not have contact for over a year and then get in touch with such awful news. However, she was someone I cared a lot about and don't want her to get more entangled without knowing what he's upto.

What would you do if you were me?

OP posts:

FuckThisBullshit · 12/12/2020 11:52

Tell her

NeverHadANickname · 12/12/2020 11:53

I would definitely tell her. It is bad enough already but the possibility of a move and business, engagement etc she should definitely know what is going on.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 12/12/2020 11:54

Tell her. She risks losing so much if you don't.

Original poster

whattodo1212 · 12/12/2020 11:59

How would you recommend I tell her? We are not in the same city and with restrictions, no chance of meeting in person. How is best to approach this after no contact for so long?

OP posts:

minniemoll · 12/12/2020 12:02

Screenshot his profile and email it to her from a different email address?

QueenOfPain · 12/12/2020 12:02

I’d just message her and say “Hello [friends name], Hope you’re okay! I know we’ve not spoken in ages but there’s something I could do with talking to you about. Let me know when you’re free x

QueenOfPain · 12/12/2020 12:02

And start it from there. There’s no good way to hear this, and certainly no right place to be.

FrancoBranco · 12/12/2020 12:04

Send her screenshots of the profile so she has all the proof she needs and it's not hearsay. Why would you think you had to tell her in person? She probably wouldn't want a 'witness' there when she finds out her boyfriend is a cheating sleaze. With the screenshots she can process the betrayal in her own time.

berrygirlie · 12/12/2020 12:09

Phone call. More personal than texting, and people sometimes respond in inexplicable ways when they get bad news (just in case she would want to forward around your messages or anything along those lines).

booboo24 · 12/12/2020 12:16

How awful, for both of you really. I agree you definitely need to tell her. I'd go with Queenofpain's suggestion, and then call her when she gets in touch to say she's free. I think an email/text with the screenshot would be too much of a shock in one go and it's a bit cold hearted personally. The evidence can be sent once you've told her.
It's a horrible situation but you'd be stopping her from making the worst decision of her life ultimately. You're being a good friend even though its a horrible thing to have to do

aeiouaeiouaeiou · 12/12/2020 12:17

I'd send her a photo of his profile and just say you presume they've split up and wondered if it's definitely him.

FuckThisBullshit · 12/12/2020 12:18

I would text her.

"Hi Sarah. I know it's been a while since we've spoken but I recently came across something. I was on Tinder and I have seen your partner on there, I believe you're still together so I thought you should know. I'm sorry if I've done the wrong thing or if I'm interfering and to be honest I wasn't sure what to do for the best but if it was me... I'd want to know. I'm really sorry mate. If you want the screenshots let me know x"

DianaT1969 · 12/12/2020 12:29

I would give her a way to save her dignity. Send the text that you hope she is well, long time blah, blah. That you don't know if she is still with BF, but in case she is still in a relationship, you have seen him on tinder. That you are sorry if this comes as bad news. But you felt she would want to know and as a friend, you couldn't ignore it . That you can send a screenshot if she wants it.
You are around to meet up once things get closer to normal after Covid.
It may come out that your mutual friend knew months ago, so don't go into detail of when you first saw the profile, or how long. She may feel further betrayed by that friend for not telling her.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2020 12:30

@FuckThisBullshit

I would text her.

I think this is perfect.

VeganVeal · 12/12/2020 12:42

I'd find out if they really are still together first then decide from there

VeganVeal · 12/12/2020 12:42

And direct from your friend, not through a friend of a friend

Soonm · 12/12/2020 12:53

Tell her exactly what you've told us.

fatherliamdeliverance · 12/12/2020 12:57

Definitely let her know. You tried through a closer 3rd party and he chose to stay out of it but it wouldn't be fair to let a close friend (even if lapsed) continue not knowing this, after he's put so much effort into his profile.

I think text, say there's something you need a private word about (so she doesn't ring with him around) and tell her over the phone, followed by screenshots as proof. fuckthisbullshit gives a good template to use verbally.

Be prepared for her to react badly or to believe any old excuse he might give but you'd be doing the right thing.

Original poster

whattodo1212 · 12/12/2020 13:18

@FuckThisBullshit

This is a very good template, so thank you.

OP posts:

QueefBee · 12/12/2020 15:51

Of course shed want the screenshots why do you have to make her ask. id just text the screenshots with hi i know its been a while, seen this on tinder, looks like james and thought you might want to check it out.

AccountCreateUsername · 12/12/2020 16:05

Please do ah at queen of pain saiid

It’s much kinder tb an sending that message cold and at least you’ll be able to check that she’s not driving when she hears what you have to say. Also anyone can see a message if notifications are on :)

simbobs · 12/12/2020 16:19

If you do not know from her that she is still with the guy my suggestion would be that you get in touch with her, making the (pretend) assumption that like you, she is now single. You can then qualify this by saying that you thought that you had seen him on Tinder. That leaves it in her court to check it out. If you go straight in with it she will almost certainly shoot the messenger.

FuckThisBullshit · 12/12/2020 16:55

If she shoots the messenger so be it. In the long run she will thank the OP

littlemissalwaystired · 12/12/2020 17:18

I've been in this situation recently and in the end I messaged the woman. She was really grateful that I'd done so, even though it wasn't easy.

Original poster

whattodo1212 · 12/12/2020 17:29

Hello all. I have told her now. Started a text convo with her on how she'd been doing and a bit of catch up. Turns out she is still with him and still living together.

I told her what I'd seen on Tinder (didn't send the screenshots immediately), and her first reaction was she hadn't known but thanked me for telling her. She then asked if I thought it was an old profile he hadn't deleted or new. So I sent the screenshot which shows with the 'Recently Active' status and she also recognised the photo as one she took this year.

She is now going to think about how to confront him, and what to do. But wasn't upset or angry with me for telling her, which I am relieved about.

Thank you all for your advice. Telling her now was definitely the best thing, as she said they had been looking at places to buy together soon.

OP posts:

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