Is it likely he will re-enter my life, after being pushed away due to depression.

[cazza1302]

Hi There,

Hope you're all ok. I'm really in need of some advice as I'm pretty heartbroken here. I have been seeing a guy for a couple of months. Everything was beautiful, we both had every quality we wished for in each other. Messaged morning untill night, laughed, called each other. He fell in love with me pretty quickly, half a month later after spending the weekend at his I did too. However, he had been having problems with work and began sliding into a low mood more and more. He said I was the only good thing to keep him going, and.i explained to him I believe I was in love with him too and to try get some help... a few hours later he decided to tell me that we should maybe leave things where that are before it gets deeper for both of us, as he's in love with me too but he's scared he's going to ruin this and end up hurting me, said I'm too special to get involved in how he feels and to find someone I deserve. After trying to talk him round and saying I would support him he thought it best to block me and try and concentrate on his mental health. He states he is making this decision to benefit me aswell as himself. He said he is absolutely heartbroken to let me go and will miss me. He was actually very tearful and even had to leave work.

How likely is it that he will decide to reach out to me again? I'm giving him the space he needs but the thought of not hearing from him again is killing me, as I know it will be him, if not more. We have gone to constant contact and an amazing bond that we've never experienced like no other, to nothing.

Thanks for any advice.

Didn't want to read and run but feel your pain. You sound like me and my ex dp.. 4 years and I'm pretty sure his insecuritys have just ruined us.. I'm heartbroken.
Tbh I'd see if he feels he can work with you with it, otherwise you're sitting waiting for someone who maybe won't be able to give you what you want. Hugs

Thanks hun, and sorry to hear you're going through the same. Same to you. I offered to be there and allow myself to help him but he just wouldn't accept. It was something he needed to deal with on his own. He also stated thought the last few days prior had frightened him, which he never told me about- therefore must have been worse than he had let on. After trying to talk him round he stated he was making this decision for me but I don't understand. I had no choice but to let him go and work on himself. It hurts like he'll x

Also, how likely is it that he will regret pushing me away due a decision he made hastily at the time?

I was in a similar position with my partner about a year ago, apart from she didn’t block me, just asked for space.

I sent her a message a few days later and popped in to see her with a few things she needed and went for a walk then left again. Took the pressure right off. A few weeks later, we were seeing each other again and made our relationship official and I haven’t looked back since.

So it can work out. But I think my case was the exception rather than the rule.

Well it seemed the more I tried to talk him round the more adamant he was that he deals with it on his own. I'm just holding out hope he feels to get in touch when he feels slightly better mentally. Its a horrible situation to be in :'( .. I'm so glad it worked out for you both! I can only have hope 🙏

The op is talking about a 2 month relationship characterised by love bombing.

I'm not sure it's helpful or realistic to compare it to years' long relationships that hopefully weren't built on a foundation of love bombing and false intimacy.

To be honest I didn't feel love bombed. I have read about this.. Everything felt very real when we were together. But I can see what you're saying

This isn't nice to hear I know but... It's good that the relationship ended because it was incredibly unhealthy.

Can you see that it's unhealthy to consider a relationship of a matter of weeks as an all consuming thing that's the only part of someone's life they enjoy?

You have built this up in your head to more than it was, even by saying things like 'half a month' later you fell in love too. That's two weeks. You dated him for 8 weeks, it's no time at all and shouldn't be taking up so much headspace.

I don't say this to be cruel but to try and help you see how this fixation on the relationship is not healthy.

And you say he said this:

maybe leave things where that are before it gets deeper for both of us, as he's in love with me too but he's scared he's going to ruin this and end up hurting me, said I'm too special to get involved in how he feels and to find someone I deserve. After trying to talk him round and saying I would support him he thought it best to block me and try and concentrate on his mental health. He states he is making this decision to benefit me aswell as himself. He said he is absolutely heartbroken to let me go and will miss me. He was actually very tearful and even had to leave work.

He told you he wanted to break up. Instead of respecting that, you kept trying to talk him round even knowing that he was struggling and felt depressed and under pressure. You should have respected he wanted to end it rather than adding more pressure or making him feel guilty, to the point he wants to block you as he knows you're unlikely to let him go and respect that it's over.

It sounds like he's really having a tough time and is mature enough to know that he isn't in the right headspace for a relationship. He's been kind and honest and you need to accept his decision as nobody owes anybody a relationship.

I'm sure you're a lovely person but you do sound very naive asking things like what is the chance of him changing his mind - well nobody could possibly answer that accurately because everyone is individual and there's no set equation to it.

This was an 8ish week relationship - I think before you start dating anyone again it would be great for you to do some work on your boundaries and expectations so that you don't fall into the pattern of too much, too soon / mutual lovebombing again.

Try to let this one go, you barely know each other and you need to focus on you

Thanks hun, and sorry to hear you're going through the same. Same to you.

You said this to a poster who shared their experience of a four year relationship with a similar dynamic - they aren't going through the same as you because you've only been seeing the guy for a couple of months.

You really need to try and get a sense of perspective on it as while I'm not minimising your own feelings about it - they are not reflective of the reality of the situation which is that you got very intense very quickly with someone who now doesn't want to continue seeing you.

By building it up into a scene in your head where you're both heartbroken at being torn apart and it's the end of the world, you're making it harder for yourself to get your feet back on solid ground again.

This really isn't a healthy start to a brand new relationship. He clearly is not emotionally available. If he is like this now, this will only get worse. You are not his counsellor. He needs to sort himself out before he enters a relationship. You need to focus on yourself.

I was the other half of this equation.
I suffer from terrible depression and it does horrible things when it descends. (I will add I am medicated and about to have a psych assessment for a longer term treatment plan. I don't accept that I am like this and want to change it)

I had been seeing someone really lovely for about 6 months when an episode hit and I had to end it. It was a lot for his sake, because I didn't want to put it on him - but actually mainly for my own. I really needed to concentrate on me and be completely selfish. I felt so much pressure to put on a front and be better than I was around him because I'm ashamed at how low I get and how unlike myself I am at those times. I also felt huge pressure to be vulnerable in front of him when we hadn't been together that long.

Being in a relationship means always having to look after another person's feelings to an extent - and selfishly, I had no space to be worrying about his feelings or supporting him with his bad days and work stress - and I would have felt worse for not doing those things.
Staying with him would have added a dimension of guilt for being so difficult and withdrawn.

I have a feeling he would have stuck by and tried to support me with it, but I would never ask someone to do that unless it was a very established relationship and there had been some give and take on the support front. It makes a relationship very unbalanced when one is trying to prop the other up. It was the start of a relationship where we were still getting to know one another. My depression is part of me, but doesn't define who I am and certainly wasn't the side of me I wanted him to see so early on.
Breaking up with him took so much pressure off me - and although it was horrible and I felt terrible doing it to him - I didn't regret it because it was genuinely what was best for us both at that moment.

So I can't answer your question about how long term intentions, I'm just offering the point of view of someone who has been in your bf's position.

Who knows why he decided to call it quits.

He may have decided that everything was too intense and moving too quick and he just wasn’t sure, or could have just been using you for sex, or could have been dating a few women and decided you werent the one and someone else was. Or perhaps he was just emotionally scarred from previous relationships, in which case he should work on himself and not date anyone until he’s a bit better.

You seem to have fallen into this heavily, perhaps because of the covid situation, which is affecting us all and making some of us see what we have been lacking in our lives. It’s not unusual to be in love with the idea of being in love, I’m guilty of that myself at times. But perhaps he just wasn’t the one and you need to think about taking things a bit more slowly dating in future. I’d suggest not dating for a good while though as you’re still getting over him and you don’t want a rebound guy.

What’s for you will no go by you.
As the saying goes.
Perhaps in a few months you will reconnect. Perhaps not. Only he knows what’s in his head.

Hi Lynn,

Thanks for everyone's responses. I don't feel I pressured him, im not that sort of person, i simply stated I would try and support him through it, as I am that kind of person. Obviously an hour before he decided on this he told I was the best thing in his life, I accepted his decision and am moving on, however it is hard as even as friends from the start we got on amazingly well, and it's a shame it has resorted to this.

I’m in the same boat ... albeit 13 years together and pregnant! I will say we had a wobble a few years back , he came back into my life , we had many wonderful years and now he’s poorly again.

I’m personally taking the attitude that mental illness is an illness- and that I’m going to support him through it. I know he may be pushing me away at this time - but I wouldn’t walk away from a friend or family member doing that so I can’t walk away from him.

In saying that, I’m not pressuring him for a relationship or anything he’s not in a position to offer. He’s poorly and he can’t. So its just gentle checkin calls and texts so he knows he’s loved and knows people will keep reaching out to drag him out of the depressed hellhole. I can’t control how much effort his friends and family make, but I can control what I offer. And I’ll offer what I can.

Yes, people think I’m being crazy for continuing to support him after he walked out on me pregnant. So it can be a lonely road if you do keep offering that support.

It’s also hard , even after that first wobble- knowing that because they have a mental illness they have limited control over- there’s only so much they can bring to the relationship in terms of a life long commitment . A few lucky people have a bout of reactive depression, recover, and then go on with their lives. For many people, it’s recurrent so it’s whether you are willing to move forward with the relationship knowing this may all hit you again in the future.

To be honest it's such a new relationship and
You barely know him - met once? It sounds like he's making excuses to end it which has nothing to do with his mental health

Hes a very honest guy. If he didnt want to continue it for any other reason he would have said so. Not been in tears to me telling me he's going to get help, and an hour before telling me I'm the only good thing keeping him going.

@user1936863452

The op is talking about a 2 month relationship characterised by love bombing.

I'm not sure it's helpful or realistic to compare it to years' long relationships that hopefully weren't built on a foundation of love bombing and false intimacy.

Thank God someone has said this!! OP there is no possible way to really know someone in 2 months. All that “connection” and giddy feelings etc are purely limerence (Google it if you haven’t heard of it)... real love happens when you get past all the giddy excitement of the newness of the person and you start to see them as who they really are- warts and all. I’m not trying to minimise your pain and I’m really sorry you’re hurting- just trying to give you some perspective 🌸

cazza you have no idea if he's a very honest guy or not. You've only known him a matter of weeks. It takes time to get to know someone's true character.

I do empathise with the pain you're in. I have a tendency to get over invested too quickly too so I do understand. But how do you honestly feel about a man you hardly know telling you you're the "only good thing keeping him going." Because that would feel alarming to me. It would feel like a lot of pressure.

@cazza1302

Hes a very honest guy. If he didnt want to continue it for any other reason he would have said so. Not been in tears to me telling me he's going to get help, and an hour before telling me I'm the only good thing keeping him going.

This sounds exceptionally dramatic for someone you’ve been seeking for a few weeks

Seeing not seeking sorry

I've been in this very situation. He said he was depressed, it's not fair on me, I deserve better, he'll be gutted to not have me in his life etc. He pushed me away yet kept coming back because I stupidly believed it was his mental health that was the issue and I felt sorry for him. I was treated like a yo-yo.... when he felt better, he wanted me, when he felt shit, he pushed me away.

When it was over for good, on his terms, I was lead to believe it was all down to his depression. I worried about him constantly and that he might self harm. This was to my own detriment. I suffered enormously because I'd cast aside my own mental health. He drained me. I needed up very ill, mentally.

I recently discovered, this depression had been fictitious and was created as a cover to disguise his serial cheating. When he wanted to cheat, he pretended to be depressed.... pushed me away.... then cheated.... then lured me back in! I was none the wiser, until a few weeks ago.

The damage he has caused to me emotionally and mentally is something that I will have to live with, forever.

How do you actually know he suffered from depression? Do you know hi. Well enough to really know he's being truthful?

if he does reach out you should probably say something like i know your depressed but your behaviors hurt me you also love bombed me so im not interested in pursuing a relationship with you

If someone is talking 'love' a few month in,you are being lovebombed.

He is doing you a favour. Take the out.

You barely know him

You've only met him once and you barely know him. As soon as I heard the words 'mental health', I'd have been running for the hills.
If it's genuine, you don't need it. If it's a load of melodramatic tripe, you really don't need it. My money is on the latter.