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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Spending time with husband

47 replies

Feelingchicken99 · 12/12/2020 11:23

My head is totally muddled today!

I have been putting off Xmas shopping for the DD purely because I have to spend the day doing it with H!!!!

My anxiety levels are through the roof at the thought of having to be in his company for 6 hours or more just the 2 of us.

I can normally control this when at home as I busy myself so I don’t have to sit and make small talk,

Am WFH and I interact with work and friends absolutely fine the cause me no stress at all, but when 5pm comes and I know he’s on his way home from work then wow it’s like I close down function on basics only, I have no interest in listening to his day nor telling him anything about my day, I’ve kinda got in to the mind set of it’s my life what has it got to do with him.

I’ve been running through and making a list in my head of things to talk to him about ive come up with
DD
Dog
Ques
Masks, hate wearing them, has to be done

I’d rather Xmas didn’t happen at all, the anxiety I feel over the Xmas break is incredible and the fact that family (his dad who I dislike) will be coming for the day itself so it will be pretend happy, I’d booked a day off and not told him and he came home and told me he’d got the same day off so I cancelled my holiday day so I don’t have to spend a mother day with him, I’d rather be locked in the office working.

I feel this way every Xmas but this year after the lockdown all I want his to be away from him, my D asked me the other day what I wanted for Xmas I simply said a week away Alone, a bed to myself and to relax to breath

I hate feeling this way and I try on occasion to be better with him but then he’ll make a remark about anything and am on the back foot again walls up anxiety on over load.

How do I get through the next few weeks???

OP posts:
OrigamiParrot · 12/12/2020 11:32

Why are you staying in the marriage? You don’t want to spend time with your husband, you don’t want to hear about his day nor share anything about yours... Did you feel like this prior to the lockdown?

How old is your DD?

Original poster
Feelingchicken99 · 12/12/2020 11:37

DD is 9,

I’ve felt this way for a long time

I guess am still here because of family responsibility and pressure, I’ve tried to speak to my mum about this and she’s always on his defence and that fact that our family don’t do divorce and what about DD that it’s not fair on her to split her family up.

OP posts:
OrigamiParrot · 12/12/2020 12:09

It’s also not fair that your daughter asks you what you want for Christmas and you tell her that you want time alone, a bed to yourself and space to breathe.

You’ll get through Christmas by grinning and bearing it (as I’m sure you have in previous years!) but I think you need to seriously consider what you want to do long term.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2020 12:09

Your mothers counsel is absolutely wrong at best and shit at worst. She’s not married to him and who died and made her queen re her comment about her family don’t do divorce?. She’s not married to him and that also sounds like she is thinking about what people would think. If your daughter as an adult came to you for advice would you tell her the same as your mother?. No.

What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here?
What do you get out of this relationship now apart from anxiety. Love your own self for a change and put your own self front and centre for once,

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2020 12:12

Better to be on your own with your daughter day to day than to remain so badly accompanied. This is not the relationship model she should be learning from, it also makes me wonder what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up

Is his dad very similar to your husband?

Mintjulia · 12/12/2020 12:16

Your family isn't in your marriage, you are, and your mum wouldn't want you to waste your life because of what the neighbours think. She loves you.

You aren't doing your dd any good by living a fake life. Promise yourself to talk to a solicitor in the new year.

Honestly, leaving my ex was the absolute best thing I have done for my ds. He now has a cheerful relaxed mum and a happy home where he can learn to respect himself. Kids aren't stupid, they can spot an undertone a mile off. Your dd will know you aren't happy. You have no reason to feel guilty wanting to leave. Everyone has the right to try to be happy.

Livandme · 12/12/2020 12:56

Do you feel like this about anyone else? I'm just wondering if it's your dh or if you feel like this in general?

BigFatLiar · 12/12/2020 13:08

Why do you think you need to make small talk with him?

Spend the time looking for presents, talk about suitability price etc.

After 30+ years I don't feel the need to make small talk. We'll happily do our own thing if we want. We know we're there for each other. I think he'd think something was up with me if I started making random small talk.

Do you not like your husband or are you starting to feel like curling up and wanting to be left alone? If its just a general feeling and has been persisting it may be best to have a word with your GP.

Original poster
Feelingchicken99 · 14/12/2020 16:12

Thanks for the replies, I am feeling utterly drained and exhausted after a long long weekend with each other am sure he feels this as well,

He is very much like his father, always right always knows best first to criticise everything and anything.

My mum is a people pleaser and I have to been brought up that way, she’s in Ill health has lost her balance is under neurologist, it’s seems to be that what ever she used to to for her dad now falls on me, I’m an only child but she has 7 brothers and sisters any time I ask for help it falls in deaf ears so I’ve stopped.

My daughter am ashamed to say is already picking up my behaviours, example she broke up with a BF at school 2 days later she’s like am going back out with him, I said why and she replied with he wants me to and it’s just shuts him up doesn’t it! Hmm
It made me so so sad and I said to her no that’s not how it works,

Thanks again

OP posts:
sage46 · 14/12/2020 20:00

Another possible 40 years of this?

Unicant · 14/12/2020 20:02

You really really need to leave. Living in that atmosphere is so unfair on all of you. This is not the type of relationship to model to your dd... do not stay in a relationship that makes you miserable. Please leave him op.

soopedup · 15/12/2020 04:36

You sound so unhappy. You get one life. Don’t let your mother’s ridiculous opinions run your life. Imagine having your own house. Not having to deal with your husband. Building your own life and your own friends. Relaxation and happiness.

QuietlyExcited · 15/12/2020 04:47

You need to separate, even if only for a while to get some space and work out what you want. Is your daughter really 9 and going out with a boy at school?

SillyOldMummy · 15/12/2020 06:18

I think you would benefit from counselling just on your own.

PS You cannot compare your behaviour to a 9 year old girl splitting up with a boyfriend and getting back together! Really not the same .

Jenifirtree · 15/12/2020 06:57

I was shocked at what you said to your 9 year old daughter. That was mean. Dont stay married to a man that turns you in to this. Youll damage your daughter staying

Original poster
Feelingchicken99 · 15/12/2020 08:00

She just follows the other girls with the BF thing it’s not real and I tell her she’s 9 and doesn’t have need for a BF all the time.

I know I shouldn’t have said to her about what I want for Xmas and I have made my apologies to her and she’s ok, it’s had been a long couple of weeks of home schooling and WFH and I felt a little overwhelmed with no time for myself.

I know I need space, I have told him this many times but because I’ve alway been so agreeable with everything in the past, it’s like he doesn’t believe me keeps saying there’s nothing wrong that I’m making issues where there are none and I keep repeating that these are my thoughts and feelings and there not wrong but maybe they are wrong

OP posts:
wombat1a · 15/12/2020 08:27

Sounds like an awful situation but I also feel really sorry for your DH, imagine coming home everyday to someone who makes it abundantly obvious they wished you didn't exist.

Please leave him for both your sakes.

Shoxfordian · 15/12/2020 08:45

It doesn't sound as though you even like him anymore
Divorce and have a happier new year

Original poster
Feelingchicken99 · 15/12/2020 08:49

@wombat1a I feel sorry for him as well! Believe me I do, am not a complete heartless cow we’ve been together for nearly 20 years married for 10, any positive changes I try to make he finds a way to undo them at the first chance he gets.
He also think that now am WFH I can have a nice dinner on the table at 6pm each night and all though I try, I also work for a high profile company managing a team of 15 and we have been not stop since March, I have done all the home schooling most of the house work and I have been isolated from pretty much everyone apart from phone calls, where as he skips out the house at 8.30 each morning no changes to his life!
Yes there is resentment a lot of it and that resentment started the day I had to give up my Career when I had DD because there was no chance he would step make from his job just a tad, so I did what mothers do I gave up got just a job to work around my D because that’s what mums do isn’t it! I’ve worked hard to get back to a decent level of job satisfaction no thanks to him

OP posts:
cuddlymunchkin · 15/12/2020 08:54

Your husband sounds totally normal but you sound awful. What kind of a wife are you? You don't want to spend time with him, don't want to share your thoughts with him, you're rejecting him at every turn. Poor bloke.

Original poster
Feelingchicken99 · 15/12/2020 09:01

@cuddlymunchkin A very unhappy wife that’s what I am, with a husband who doesn’t listen or makes changes when needed or suggested! Some people don’t have the perfect marriages I could have one if I agree to everything he wants to do but what do it get out of that?

OP posts:
updownroundandround · 15/12/2020 09:34

@Feelingchicken99

You don't have to simply endure your life.

You know you don't love or even like your H, so please, for the sake of yourself and your daughter, you have to leave this farce of a marriage.

You deserve to live your life, and to be able to enjoy yourself.

There's nothing worse than wasting years and years of your life from a misplaced sense of 'duty' ffs.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2020 09:41

Your mother taught you how to people please and unsurprisingly you are a people pleaser yourself. You need to unlearn all that crap through counselling because your DD is now picking up on that and is becoming such a person too. It will do her no favours as an adult to be a people pleaser and its also an unhealthy indicator of low self esteem.

Original poster
Feelingchicken99 · 15/12/2020 09:52

I am 100% a people pleaser, I’ve always know this, with my D this is the first time I’ve seen her behave like me, I am always telling her when she’s older to be kind but to be as selfish as she needs to be to make her happy, she’s confident and out spoken, this is something the H doesn’t like they fight like cat and dog if there together for to long, I do all the activities with her as they end up arguing over everything even homework, I guess I’ve been putting off leaving for fear of her not wanting to go stay with him or spend time with him,
Am just so stuck everyone is going to be so disappointed with me

OP posts:
spiritsoppressivelyhigh · 15/12/2020 09:54

@cuddlymunchkin are you the husband? She wants to leave but clearly doesn’t feel allowed to be happy, or have her concerns acknowledged