Spending time with husband

[Feelingchicken99]

My head is totally muddled today!

I have been putting off Xmas shopping for the DD purely because I have to spend the day doing it with H!!!!

My anxiety levels are through the roof at the thought of having to be in his company for 6 hours or more just the 2 of us.

I can normally control this when at home as I busy myself so I don’t have to sit and make small talk,

Am WFH and I interact with work and friends absolutely fine the cause me no stress at all, but when 5pm comes and I know he’s on his way home from work then wow it’s like I close down function on basics only, I have no interest in listening to his day nor telling him anything about my day, I’ve kinda got in to the mind set of it’s my life what has it got to do with him.

I’ve been running through and making a list in my head of things to talk to him about ive come up with
DD
Dog
Ques
Masks, hate wearing them, has to be done

I’d rather Xmas didn’t happen at all, the anxiety I feel over the Xmas break is incredible and the fact that family (his dad who I dislike) will be coming for the day itself so it will be pretend happy, I’d booked a day off and not told him and he came home and told me he’d got the same day off so I cancelled my holiday day so I don’t have to spend a mother day with him, I’d rather be locked in the office working.

I feel this way every Xmas but this year after the lockdown all I want his to be away from him, my D asked me the other day what I wanted for Xmas I simply said a week away Alone, a bed to myself and to relax to breath

I hate feeling this way and I try on occasion to be better with him but then he’ll make a remark about anything and am on the back foot again walls up anxiety on over load.

How do I get through the next few weeks???

@spiritsoppressivelyhigh that’s how I feel, I’ve tried talking to him about things but he will say that my thoughts about “us” are incorrect why change something that’s worked for so long, it’s only worked because I’ve gone with the flow to keep the peace and I don’t want to do this any more am 39 and feel like I can’t be myself.
His parents split up when he was early 20’s his mum stayed because she wanted to keep the peace but he had a miserable childhood not many holidays no family days out, it’s history repeating itself but yet he still won’t listen to my views, maybe the way we currently live is normal to him x

I am 100% a people pleaser, I’ve always know this

If all you do is try to please and he doesn't return this it'll just drain you. I'm a people pleaser to some extent as is my husband but it works for us because we look to support and keep each other happy. If it was one sided it would I suspect be soul destroying. There's nothing wrong with trying to please others but it needs to be reciprocated. Try not to let your daughter get worn down by this and help her realise its nice to be nice but sometimes you need to stand up for yourself. Sometimes you need to bite the bullet and say enough.

I always encourage my D be her own person, I love that she has her own thoughts and will speak them, i try my damn hardest not to let her see the full extent of how I feel about putting others before me, I don’t want her to be me I want her to be herself even if it means growing up and living the other side of the world I never want her to feel as if she has to take care of me. We have different parenting styles also I am as above he thinks more along the line of seen not heard and should only be asked once do it straight away he doesn’t like that she can come back with a convincing argument as to why that’s not going to work, she’s very smart,

I want to be more like her but when I try it’s pushed back, I’ve even got to a point where I don’t take as much care over my appearance some because I WFH so not much need, but on the days I have client calls I dress nice and make up etc and he’ll make comments, you trying to grab some attention 😬 is a fav of his.
He’s openly admitted to looking through my personal belongings, I now don’t use a hand bag because of how many times he’s been through it. He thinks my change of perspective is because of another man this is not the case, I have nothing to hide but the fact he snoops winds me up, I would never look in his personal things there his if he wants to share then fine but I would never go looking.
We have a close group of long term friends and he’s shared our marriage issues with nearly all off them, I like my privacy and will not talk about him to them, I don’t want them to be in the middle,
Am being made out to be the bad guy

??? No no no the handbag thing is so wrong! I’ve read it a lot on here if you start changing your behaviours to accommodate, you’re on a hiding to nothing.

If it wasn’t so awful for you it would be funny that he thinks being married to him is so fabulous the only interpretation for your change in behaviour is another man.

I think you’re waiting for permission which will never come. You’ll have to do this without his sign off. Maybe consider gearing up to take some real action in the new year.

He isnt a good husband at all and the PP who said he was normal clearly hasnt read what you have written.

OP I suggest you in the first instance get some counselling because I think for you (and your DD) you need to get the strength to leave. You are deeply unhappy and that is enough basis to make changes

Who says you have to stay with him? Who says your family don't do divorce? Sound to me like you are a capable and intelligent woman who is choosing to be controlled by other peoples expectations.
Find your voice, do what you want to do to be happy or at the very least give yourself a chance to be happy. You sound like you've got a good job so you'll not be destitute. You sound like a capable mother so your relationship with your daughter won't be an issue.
You are not some passive entity experiencing life through other peoples lense. Take control back,whatever that looks like to you.

Also I echo what quartz says above counselling would be a good first step in taking control. Examining your relationships with people will help you to find the root of the problem,which you have already begun to ldentify, and ultimately find a way forward for you and your child.

Definitely therapy as your first step OP, not only will it help sort your head out and gather the strength to do what you know you have to do but it's a bit of time that's just for you, which it sounds like you sorely need.

Xmas shopping

Suggestions

Order on line, some or all
Or
You go to X shops to get X
He goes to Y shops to get Y
Divide the work load
Spend less time shopping
Time for a coffee instead

Secondly, if you need time & space when you at home
Can you join a gym, hobby, go for a walk for an hour. A couple of times a week ?

@spiritsoppressivelyhigh yes the handbag, bed side draws everything! Last year we went to a wedding overseas (paid for by me) for one of his friends, I would have had my period while there so I had some tablets to stop this, the old packed was in a travel bag form the trip he found it after Xmas and accused me of another man!

I stepped back a level at work last December as it involved a lot of over night travel and for the few months this happened it was hell on Earth, it made it so I couldn’t do the job to my best because I was worried all the time of what I was coming home to.

I’ve tried this year to start making changes in how I respond to people the words No, because I don’t want to etc have been used even my mum thought I was having a mental breakdown so I gave in and resorted to their normal where I just get on with it,

Maybe some professional help would be helpful, I will look in to this, am sure your right it’s like I need someone to tell me it’s ok to live for me that it’s not wrong but that’s all a hear at the moment that I am wrong.

Thanks

Handbag

Why are you still together if there is no trust ?

Why stay together ?

For Gods sake initiate a divorce, I suggest straight after Christmas.
Who cares what your mother thinks, she doesn't have to live with him. I wouldn't even wait until the divorce to move out if I had somewhere to go.
No way would I live with anyone who made me feel like this, absolutely no way.

And as for cooking every night tell him to get stuffed. You are a professional woman managing a team of people and you let a man talk to you like this.

I understand what I should do, doing it another matter,

I’m two different people, the people I work along side would never in a million years believe I’m the same person if they saw me at home,

He will clean with out being prompted the cooking things is something only since I’ve been WFH, we always had a rule of first in cooks well now I’m never out so he still thinks this applies.

So get through Xmas and then have a conversation I’ve had a few times about how I’m not happy x

I thought for a minute that this was one of my posts I'd just forgotten about, @Feelingchicken99 I am exactly the same. I am so different around dh from the way I am with every single other person in this world. I'm chatty, smiley, like to have a laugh, but when he's around I just shut down. And I don't like it. He thinks I'm such a misery guts, but it's really because he drains me and I feel physically tired and anxious around him. He knows I'm unhappy with our relationship, but he's content just to carry on 'for the kids.' I have been off work for the first time in ages today, I go out to work and he works from home. So I've been dreading having to have time off as he's here. But I had to take today off just to get Xmas stuff done. I'd much rather be at work with my friends who would absolutely not recognise the person I am at home. I'm cheerful enough with my dcs, and I think they notice I'm not cheerful with their dad. I just want to be myself. I know it's time to sort things out as Xmas is overwhelming me. I can't even see a perfume ad on telly without welling up. Xmas is all about love, and I haven't got it. I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. It's all so familiar x

Oh and just to add, I still have to do all the work in the house, making the tea etc. I get home and nothing is done. Not even a little bit of washing up, and he's literally in the flamin house! It makes me furious. But he just says he's flat out all day and can't leave his desk. Well I don't exactly go out galavanting all day!

I really think you need to leave. It will be better for everyone in the long run it really will.
You’re clearly not compatible.
My DH and I have lovely days together although theatre few and far between, lots of laughs, romance and deep conversation. Both you and your DH deserve this too.

It’s actually a bit annoying reading your post ! Take control of your life woman and do what you need to do for the sake of everybody involved. Your daughter will be happier without a doubt. If you stay with him she will resent you for it and ask you why you stayed with him. You wouldn’t want your daughter to stay if it was her marriage would you ? You keep saying your a people pleaser but that’s a bit of an excuse to not have to make hard decisions about what’s best for you and your child. You are utterly miserable and your daughter will know this for sure. Fuck what your mother thinks you are wasting your life with him. He deserves to be happy aswell with someone who loves him not someone who dreads him coming home. For gods sake tell him you want a divorce and do the right thing by your child

@Skyla2005, your right it is a hard decision and I am very afraid of what everyone else will think, I always have been in my personal life, I need to be more assertive in myself

Don’t be afraid of the confrontation. You’re trying to avoid an unpleasant situation, but this unpleasantness will not last long. Seconds.
Just realize: you’re not responsible for how he feels or how he reacts to your words.

Think how your life would be alone. How great it would be to relax and feel calm at any time of the day. Lie in? No problem. Evening movie? :)

Treat him like a co-worked you don’t particularly like but have to be pleasant to. That doesn’t mean you can’t call him out on shit behavior. And try and remember that what he says isn’t fact: it’s just his opinion

@WakingUp55643, it’s so bloody hard isn’t it x

Time to get ducks a row and make plans,
Yesterday he took DD shopping for a gift for myself we had already talked spending limits over as I know he doesn’t have much spare cash, he’d been gone 30 mins and I receive a text to send him money as he didn’t have as much cash as he said.
so I’ve just bought my own Xmas gift this after paying for my own birthday dinner (a dinner he pressed me to go for as he wanted to spoil me)
I mentioned this to my mum and she stuck up for him!!!!!!!!
Am done just done