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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is she losing interest?

26 replies

Notquitethere01 · 12/12/2020 10:27

So we've been dating a while and things have been going great. She's been so affectionate and loving towards me, met the parents, she's always saying how she wants a future with me etc. She argues things for the future for us to do together. This week she has been unwell (infection) but she drove to see me the other day which is an hour away, bought me a gift and spent a good few hours before she had to return to work.
This week however, she doesn't seem herself towards me, we always 'love you' when ending a conversation on the phone but the last few times she's said it either really quietly or not at all. She almost seems more distant. But over message she tells me she wants a future together, she even said two days ago she wants me for life. She says on message that she loves me so much, calls me perfect, says she feels lucky to have me by her side, she mentioned just yesterday she said told her friend about me and that's she is going to tell her other friend over the weekend that we are more serious. She always rings on her lunch breaks and makes arrangements to see me. She's even booked holidays off to take me away for my birthday.

It all sounds great but she also has started sounding less enthusiastic, less loving and not asking as much about my day etc. She has invited me over at new year for a good few days but today said she had a thought about me leaving my parents for new year and that's it's unfair on them. It almost sounded like she was trying to get me to change plans? Maybe I'm overthinking?

I guess it's just a gut feeling I have. I do overthink sometimes and perhaps I'm looking for ever little thing that doesn't feel right? She hasn't been well this week and is working very long hours, maybe that could be the reason? I don't want to ask because I feel I'll come across need, especially when she's not been feeling well.

I'm just looking for an outsiders opinion on this.

OP posts:

WhyDoYouAsk · 12/12/2020 10:29

Is she still feeling ill?

WhyDoYouAsk · 12/12/2020 10:31

Also, are you visiting her? Maybe her having to drive over to see you when she was poorly has hit a nerve.

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 12/12/2020 10:35

@WhyDoYouAsk she is still ill yes.
I actually tried to stop her from coming and suggested I went to see her but she insisted she would drive over to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 12/12/2020 10:39

@WhyDoYouAsk I visit her lots. I drive to her more than she comes to me.

OP posts:

Raidblunner · 12/12/2020 11:02

I recon you need to relax a bit and stop analysing everything. Find something to distract yourself a bit and take things a bit more day by day. Surely if something is obviously wrong or her feelings towards you have dwindled she'll let you know.

heom45 · 12/12/2020 11:38

You sound a little like my now ex dp..
Last week I was mad busy, didn't reply to a message due to a horrendous week and he took it that I was in some sort of a mood.. Didn't turn up as planned and I haven't heard from him since.. Almost 4 yrs together and nothing.
I don't really know what to say, not much help I know.. sorry

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 12/12/2020 11:45

@heom45 I'm sorry to hear that. So you think I'm overreacting? It could just be that she's not feeling 100%

OP posts:

firecracker69 · 12/12/2020 11:47

How long have you been together?

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 12/12/2020 11:49

@firecracker69 6 months.

OP posts:

Mintjulia · 12/12/2020 11:53

Op, she's poorly, she may have work stress money worries or issues over family & Xmas.

You are in the honeymoon period but keeping up that intensity of feeling while coping with a lot of other things is hard work.

Lighten up a little, be supportive and tell her to get some rest.

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 12/12/2020 12:45

@Mintjulia thanks. I've tried to be as supportive as possible, I've not told her my concerns I figure does she has enough going on a topic the moment, the best thing I can do is try and stay upbeat and positive. I'm seeing her today and she said she is looking forward to seeing me.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 12/12/2020 12:56

Sounds very intense for 6months, all the ILY's multiple times and declaring you perfect, a bit love-bombing. It's hard to sustain that level over time, so at some point you can expect it to calm down. It's been one week when you know she's not been well, I think that shows how insecure you are and it's prompted you to read into everything. Too early to tell at this stage, so all you can do is wait it out and see how it goes, because to ask and challenge at this point would seem very needy, which is what you are being tbh.

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 12/12/2020 13:10

@Opentooffers all fair and valid points. I haven't asked her at all, it's just siemting ive noticed in my own mind. I'm trying my best to stay positive and upbeat and I think that's all I can do tbh.

OP posts:

WhyDoYouAsk · 12/12/2020 13:15

I'm seeing her today and she said she is looking forward to seeing me.

Take her at her word. If she’s still feeling poorly give her a bit of TLC. Don’t worry OP, try and enjoy seeing her today.

Lampan · 12/12/2020 13:18

I agree it does sound like she is pulling away. But sadly there’s nothing you can do really. Don’t overcompensate or it may push her further away. I think you just have to carry on being yourself and being supportive but not too full-on, and look for other signs that she is backing off. Then if you are sure you will have to discuss it with her once she feels better. Good luck.

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 12/12/2020 13:36

@WhyDoYouAsk thanks it's difficult not to worry because when she seems off it makes me want to pull away too for fear of being too much. Then it just feels awkward.

@lampan thanks. Nothing I can do just keep being my self

OP posts:

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 12/12/2020 14:36

What I can't understnd is why just yesterday she would tell me she's told he really friends about me. She posted soemthing on Facebook, which when she called me she said 'I bet you were panicking when you saw my fb post'
It was a depressing post imo but she said it was just a bit of fun. Weird.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2020 14:46

Based on your previous threads as well as this one, it sounds like you have a lot of disordered thinking and anxiety around relationships.

To the point i think it may be beneficial to you to work on those issues before getting into another relationship if this one ends.

It sounds like you maybe have an anxious attachment style which means you crave constant reassurance and view any perceived change in tone / frequency / topic of communications as a warning sign the other person's feelings have changed for you.

For the other person in a relationship with someone like that it can be overwhelming and intense as the positions the relationship as being all consuming, something that should be prioritised above all else in your life, which is unfair and unrealistic six months in and not living together.

If you're honest with yourself, do you have a tendency to continue relationships (romantic and friendship and exes) for longer than is probably healthy as you feel you don't want to lose someone at any cost?

ALittleBitConfused1 · 12/12/2020 17:56

You mention all the things she does for you, so Im assuming you give as much effort to the relationship as she does, if so it can't be that she's feeling she's putting more in than she's getting.
In which case, I would say trust your gut. In my experience when you feel that shift, like some one is pulling away then it's because they are. You're in the relationship not us so only you can tell the changes, no matter how subtle they are.
Ok so she's not been well and has had a busy time work wise so if contact was less or infrequent I'd tell you not to be needy. Give her space, we all have times when we just need to refresh. But that isn't what is happening is it. She's making hints about cancelling future plans, and not telling you she loves you. They are pretty big changes and in my opinion something that indicates this is maybe coming to the end for her. 6 months in can be a crucial time for relationships. It's usually the time things start to either develop into something a little more serious or end. There're a number of factors that can cause this, you start to spend more time together, look at whether things are working, whether your lives could be compatible etc. IME it starts shifting from just dating to could this be something else. The thing is only she can tell you what she is thinking and I would say if it is just a case of her being run down then you'll know when things pick up or not in a few days time. In which case an honest discussion will be necessary. All I would say is back off a bit, don't play games, but don't go into that panic mode that it's so easy to find yourself in when you feel like someone is pulling away, because that just makes it worse. Don't pressure her but if your gut is still telling you something has changed or she's not right in a few days then you'll need to raise those concerns and ask if she's checked out already.

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 14/12/2020 10:35

@ALittleBitConfused1
Well I went to see her over the weekend and initially she was not herself on the Saturday, on her phone a lot and generally not her usual self. However, I just ignored it and carried on being myself. She was still affectionate and starting saying 'we are definitely still in the honeymoon period aren't we!?' As the night went on, she became more open again but she ended up falling asleep early. I could tell she was really tired and still not 100% right in herself. The next morning, she was completely different. Back to what I would call her usual loving self, made me breakfast, and randomly coming out with saying I love you. Very affectionate and generally being her normal self towards me. She was happy for me to stay until the early hours and then got upset when I had to leave. I have spoken to her this morning and she has said she will cook for me tomorrow evening and has made plans to see me at the weekend and a lot of spent time over Xmas. She says she has bought me a Xmas present and is nervous about giving it to me.
So after last week, she is completely different. I did start to think someone else was on the cards, especially when I got there on Saturday and her phone went off a lot. I jokingly said to her when her phone pinged...'oh here's her other fella!' (She says the same to me) and she said to me 'don't be a co*k' She also shows me things in her phone and leaves it lying around down stairs with me, while she does other things. Surely she would be hiding her phone if she was messaging others?

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2020 10:46

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Based on your previous threads as well as this one, it sounds like you have a lot of disordered thinking and anxiety around relationships.

To the point i think it may be beneficial to you to work on those issues before getting into another relationship if this one ends.

Just to follow on from my previous post, based on yours today, I say this gently but your attitude to this relationship really doesn't sound healthy.

I know you think it is a serious relationship because you say you love each other and talk about being in the honeymoon phase but this level of obsessing over the other persons level of feeling, actions, subtext etc is really not normal. Especially six months in!

You barely know each other, you're getting to know each other gradually so being so intense and putting the relationship on such a pedestal at this stage is doing more harm than good.

Rainbowshine · 14/12/2020 11:13

She was unwell and didn’t contact you as much, well that’s hardly surprising. She was probably just resting and didn’t feel particularly lovey dovey or romantic given that she wasn’t well.

You come across as though you’re scrutinising every word she says and movement she makes. That’s obsessive and creepy and weird. You need to get a better healthier perspective. You sound like this is the be all and end all to you, surely you have other things going on in your life that you need or want to spend time and energy on?

ScalpHelp · 14/12/2020 11:16

You sound overbearing and like hard work tbh

She hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s all in your head.

Maybe it’s just that the honeymoon period is over - it’s normal to not say love you 100 times a day.

ScalpHelp · 14/12/2020 11:22

Not to be nasty but this is why people with mental health issues should seek help for their mental health before jumping into a relationship like this. You’re fixated on her, and could be borderline depressed if she breaks up with you, which she’s allowed to do. You’ll then probably blame her because you’re such a “nice guy”, which is just a manipulative tactic. In reality your mental health and anxiety could be negatively impacting her life and she’s allowed to walk away.

Sort your shit out before getting in a relationship ffs. Life isn’t a fairly tale - no girlfriend will “fix you” or “save you”. You have to do that yourself.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2020 11:22

I did start to think someone else was on the cards, especially when I got there on Saturday and her phone went off a lot. I jokingly said to her when her phone pinged...'oh here's her other fella!'

It wasn't really joking though was it, because you genuinely had suspicions 'someone else was on the cards'. Those passive aggressive 'jokes' are death by a thousand papercuts for the person on the receiving end and saying 'I was joking' afterwards doesn't make it better, it's a form of gaslighting because you weren't joking - you said it because you felt insecure and worried she had been speaking to someone else.

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