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Original poster

Has anyone saved a marriage?

32 replies

BrokenBrit · 11/12/2020 19:58

Just that really. Is it ever open to saving if one spouse feels the relationship has turned into a ‘best friends’ situation and it’s a now a case of ‘loves’ rather than ‘in love’.

Feeling like a grenade has gone off. Lovely happy marriage, no arguing, no real issues at all, and a happy family, and yet now this out of nowhere.

Apparently they want to work at it and want to get the feelings back... Says it may be partly down to work stresses. My heads a mess now. Sad

OP posts:
C0NNIE · 11/12/2020 20:04

IME when one person says that they are leaving because they love you but are not “ in love” with you, they are leaving for someone else.

Original poster
BrokenBrit · 11/12/2020 20:06

@C0NNIE yes that has certainly crossed my mind. Only they aren’t leaving, well not at the moment. They say they want to work on it and get the feelings back.

OP posts:
speakout · 11/12/2020 20:10

How long have you been married/together OP?
Any children?

C0NNIE · 11/12/2020 20:10

So what is their plan to deal with their work stress ?

Are they going to go for counselling to talk about how they feel ?

I think “ working on it “ is good if it means both parties work on change.

It’s bad if it means “ I want you to do the Pick Me Dance while my affair partner is making up their mind “.

Techway · 11/12/2020 20:14

How long have you been married and how old are you both? I think it is very naive to think that you remain in love all of the time in a long relationship. There will be peaks and troughs and perhaps intimacy wanes a little but hopefully not disappear.

I am afraid however that " in love" speech is so often because someone else has caught their attention so they feel less in love with their spouse.

If its the case then there needs to be openness, shining a light onto a emotional affair might cause the spell to break. I doubt you can do anything however..he has to want to remain married.

S0RCHA · 11/12/2020 20:22

I have no advice but I am in the exact same position... only I feel it has made me distance myself more from him. No matter what I try I can not get it out my head what he has said to me.

RealisticSketch · 11/12/2020 20:26

This book did wonders for us! Definitely brought us back from the brink, I keep it and refresh now and again but we've stopped sleep walking into platonic nothingness now.

Has anyone saved a marriage?
MisterMakerMakes · 11/12/2020 20:31

I have been there. Three years ago, my DH, who I thought was as solid as a rock, said he wasn't happy anymore and seemed to have made up his mind that he was leaving us. However, he wasn't quite sure and I was completely floored and such a mess that it made me ill. I told no one and to this day, no one knows the pain I went through, the fact that my husband didn't speak to me for a year Sad

It has been an excruciatingly long road back but we have somehow made it. However, I know for sure that I would never do it again. It was worth it this time but if he ever started behaving that way again, it would be over for me.

Original poster
BrokenBrit · 11/12/2020 21:00

We have been together 10 years.
This year has been a challenge due to the reasons it has for everyone, but I really thought we were strong, soulmates even.
I’ll look at the book recommendation, thanks. Just feeling numb right now and wondering what the future holds.

OP posts:
RealisticSketch · 11/12/2020 21:55

The book does what it says on the tin I think. It is really good and not woo at all. Good luck.

changedmynameforChristmas · 12/12/2020 03:54

OP You have to work at a marriage to keep it special. When you live with someone and you work and raise children and look after the home etc etc it's easy to fall into a life where you don't make special time for each other because everything else takes priority.
Start dating again and putting each other first. It ain't broke, it just needs attention.

madcatladyforever · 12/12/2020 10:25

No it has never worked for me. My second husband left with absolutely no notice for someone else leaving me in the right shit, in hospital, very unwell, working part time for the first time in my life and with no car. I had looked after him for 20 years and was expecting the same back.I was devastated and thought of all the things I could do to get him back.
The fling didn't work out and the grass wasn't greener and he spent the next 6 months trying to come back but I looked at the situation and decided I never wanted him back, he hadn't supported me at all the first time I ever needed help in my life and didn't care what happened to me.
There was no way he was ever coming back in my mind. The trust had been completely broken.

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2020 10:29

Op are you in love with him? Honestly? And do you still have an active seed life?

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2020 10:29

Sex life!

Wornout12108 · 12/12/2020 10:33

I have a very close friend who had fallen into the room mates not lovers situation, her husband was happy to bump along but she insisted on marriage counseling and it did save them and they flourished. Marriages do need work, maintenance and upkeep. You will get there!

Rybvita · 12/12/2020 15:06

@BrokenBrit

Just that really. Is it ever open to saving if one spouse feels the relationship has turned into a ‘best friends’ situation and it’s a now a case of ‘loves’ rather than ‘in love’.

Feeling like a grenade has gone off. Lovely happy marriage, no arguing, no real issues at all, and a happy family, and yet now this out of nowhere.

Apparently they want to work at it and want to get the feelings back... Says it may be partly down to work stresses. My heads a mess now. Sad

Controversial to say this on here but the reality is that a lot of women overly prioritise their kids over their marriage. Forgetting that those kids wouldn't exist without the relationship in the first place, and that the kids themselves thrive best in intact families (therefore makes no sense even from 'i put the kids first in absolutely everything' view, to neglect your relationship).

Obviously the family focus changes drastically in practical terms after the arrival of kids, but as a married couple, your partner should be just as important. It therefore may be a "happy" marriage from your point of view but the reality is obviously very different. I very much doubt it's "out of nowhere". It's much more likely you've just not been paying attention to his perspective or attuned to how things have changed in the relationship. It's easy to jump to the conclusion of an affair (which of course is a possibility) but a lot if the time it IS this common problem around an accumulative lack of quality couple time that fulfils both partners' needs. How much quality time just as a couple do you spend? Have you actually been in continuous communication with him about what you both need to keep the relationship between the two of you happy and fulfilled?? A lot of the time people just make assumptions that the other person is happy! Underlying resentment and/or distance between the partners builds up over time to this point. The really good thing is that he's raised it with you , so you can work on it together and it's very fixable!Smile I would suggest going for counselling. Sometimes men can find it hard to articulate things and this is also where a counsellor is helpful.

Rybvita · 12/12/2020 15:15

Also OP, if you're a stay at home mum or work part time, is it possible the "work stress" mention is hinting that he's finding the financial pressure of maintaining the family to be too much for him right now? And could be a hint he want you to step up more financially. Could be completely wrong of course but wondered this. I know first hand how bad work stress can change how you feel about thing outside of work too, just the low level depression and anxiety can make a huge impact. Perhaps there's something about mental health wellbeing, and/or changing his role or job. Life's too short for that kind of unhappy work streaa

Original poster
BrokenBrit · 13/12/2020 08:51

Those who said it was a affair were right. Too late to save it. My god the pain is unbearable.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 13/12/2020 08:57

It sounds savable as they want to work at it, and I actually disagree that the 'not in love' line must indicate they have feelings for someone else - it can mean exactly what it says.

I've definitely had phases of feeling this way about DH over 17 years together, but they do pass and I accept them as phases.

Echobelly · 13/12/2020 08:57

so sorry, please ignore last post!

ouchiezz · 13/12/2020 09:03

I'm so sorry what a sleaze

RealisticSketch · 13/12/2020 10:02

Oh god! That's a dreadful nightmare, so so sorry. Flowers

Hailtomyteeth · 13/12/2020 10:06

@Bluntness100

Op are you in love with him? Honestly? And do you still have an active seed life?
Love this. I have an active seed life and my cuttings are fine, too.
Hailtomyteeth · 13/12/2020 10:07

OP, I'm sorry to read your update. The pain is unbearable - I remember well enough over thirty years later - but it passes and you can have your own, good life without him.

BaublesToIt · 13/12/2020 10:14

Oh god, no wonder your head was a mess! What a nasty, deceitful piece of shit he is!

Did he come clean or did you find out? I hope you’ve kicked his arse out the door.

You will get through this. I hope you have supportFlowers

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