Making a plan to get away from shitty OH/possible financial abuse

[HowToGetOut]

Hiya,

New username here but I've been around about 5 years.

I have also posted about my shitty partner before, but I won't link. Previously he was an alcoholic, but he has stopped, but he treats me like shit.

I have ended the relationship but we are still living together, after he refused to speak with the bank when I found a small flat I could have just afforded about a year ago. We live in a small flat in London and lockdown has been awful. The new dimension being he has not let me work enough. When we were caring for DD in lockdown proper he wouldn't agree a schedule for our work, I just had to take the hours when he would watch her, and I got very behind in my job.

I ended up very unhappy with the work as well and decided to quit and set up freelance. So I have done that and am also doing a course which is directly related to my freelance work, but which I also enjoy.

When he found out I was leaving my job and I explained my business plan he said I would fail. He said everything I have ever done I have failed at or quit. Which isn't true anyway, but it was obviously said to hurt me and that shocked me more than the actual opinion.

The past week DD's daycare was closed due to a Covid case. I also happened to get my first two big freelance projects, with a tight (but manageable, when I got them) deadline.

He has totally refused to watch DD. He says if I really needed to work I would stop doing the classes for my course, even though I have exams this week. He also says that counts as leisure time, even though I watch DD during the (online) classes. So I am not allowed any leisure time, and he also won't watch her so I work. I have been working in the evenings and also trying to study.

I feel he is trying to sabotage me.
I respect he needs to work, but his boss knew DD was home this week and is understanding. Also today, after I had asked him to watch her so I could work and he refused, I took her to the park. We came back after a few hours and he was fixing his bike on the balcony and had been out for a run.

Anyway.

I need to work out a plan to leave. I don't know what to do as he won't talk about it. He wants to force a move to his home town (cheaper) but I am reluctant as I would be isolated there. I also now couldn't get a mortgage of my own as I just started freelance. He wanted us to buy another place together, and said I couldn't have my own bedroom (we no longer have sex - the relationship is over).

I know it sounds mad. I sound so passive and weak, and it's mad cos I really am not. I am the last person anyone would have expected to end up in an abusive relationship (I am coming to see it as being that, even though he's never hit me).

Any suggestions for things I should be doing?

I am not from the UK but I don't think I can take DD out of the UK as he's not been abusive so I wouldn't think I could get a court order. I would rather they have a good relationship anyway as he does love her.

Sorry for writing oddly, I am stealing a moment to write. I have spoken to Refuge before but it's been impossible stuck at home. I miss the office for the freedom I had there.

What a year.

Can you not afford a rental deposit? Or can women's aid or your local council/housing associations help?

You need to get legal advice. Phone women's aid and see what advice they have.

Why don’t you ask him to move out and agree a schedule of when he’s havingDD. That way you can work when she’s at his place? What am I missing? Why don’t you just say “the relationship is over and I want to separate” text him if you have to

Of course you're right. He just refuses and threatens me (over custody etc). I'm probably bring too weak.

I can't afford the mortgage alone I don't think. I wish he would have a conversation about it but it gets so so angry.

Stop discussing your plans and future with him he’s only going to sabotage them. He doesn’t want you to succeed without him.

Is the flat a rental, or is there a mortgage? Whose name is it in? Domestic violence is a reason for not following lockdown rules. Speak to the police, tell them you've asked him to leave and he won't go. I understand that you really don't know how to begin, but you have to start somewhere, anywhere. Speak to a solicitor. Don't wait for him to agree, he will never agree, because just being an arse means everything just carries on as it is. Do you have friends who can provide backup to get him out?

You poor thing. The strength you must be drawing on right now.

You and he are no longer an item. You do not need to discuss anything with him. You need to work out a plan to leave, and you need to do that alone.

What is your living situation? are you married? is he the father of DD? is your home rented or bought? whose name is it in? what income do you have?

I wrote a long reply but I think I lost it. Sorry. Rushing, too, as he's finally watching her (after sleeping all morning and then being out when we got home from a play in the park)

Not married
He is DD (4) dad
Home is shared ownership, so mortgage and rent
Income is from freelance -- so i need to work. Also is an issue in that I have only just started so can't get a mortgage without a few years of accounts.

I know it sounds so simple from the outside. Just tell him to move. Just say it's over. I have tried. I find it so hard to explain the hold and the nastiness, especially as of course we aren't an item. I don't want to say it's like coercive control as I know that is more serious, but it resonated with me when I read about it. I feel so trapped.

I have spoken to his family a bit about it and they are sympathetic. My family are but are v far away.

I do appreciate I need to start taking more concrete steps. I will do so as well and follow suggestions.

I also am scared to make him worse just now as it will totally ruin my chances of completing these projects.

But I will speak to refuge and see about a solicitor maybe too. The police seems too much as he's not hit me or anything. That's what's frustrating almost. It is really bad but it doesn't sound like it to many.

You're right @justthecat. I have only recently noticed that his behaviour is worse when he knows I have had a success, or similar. It's hard to shut up though! I am chatty and I chat more when I am nervous.

Also sometimes he will, briefly, be friendly and things and I think maybe he's going to be reasonable, or am lulled into a false sense of security.

You don't need a mortgage to move out. Have you looked at renting?

That's true.

I can't really afford rent. Or not while also paying the mortgage. He says he can't afford to buy me out, and if he can't afford this place he will insist we move to his home city.

I am not dead set against it but it feels like it gives him a lot more control and also takes me away from my friends and job opportunities (post pandemic when I am looking for office work again).

I considered seeing if I could lodge with a friend who also have a kid but I'm not sure.

I am aware that I seem to just say "nah" to every option. I also know I don't have a god given right to live in London and I do like other cities. If we moved to Scotland (where I have friends around about) we could afford it but he would refuse.

We had therapy a few times and

Oops sorry.

We had therapy a few times but could never have a real conversatoin about real options as he just refuses. And of course acts reasonable in front of others.

I also know I look stupid: I put myself in this place doing freelance and precarious work.

But I looked at the time I had and things and decided it would work. Then he changed what he would allow, saying I am "unemployed" so have to do more at home. But he's not paying my bills, I am spending my savings if I can't make enough.

It's a gamble and I hoped it would pay off and give me more freedom.

I've also considered applying for jobs abroad -- but that wouldn't fly, would it?

He can't insist you move anywhere. You seem exceptionally passive, OP, almost like you've given up.

Well absolutely don't leave your current area he can move away if he wishes.

How much equity is in the house?

Do you have recourse to public funds ie could you claim universal credit dependent on your income?

Would you consider seeing a counseller by yourself. I do understand it may be hard to get out the house or speak on the phone/ Skype.

You're right @gobbynorthernbird. I am quite worn down after many years. I don't want to give up though.

I am trying to rebuild my confidence and be more assertive. I guess it's just every time I have tried to assert myself things have got worse and worse so I am a bit scared.

I don't think I would be UC or anything but I should check.

I am going to speak to a counsellor this week, so that is good. I have been wondering whether to go back on antidepressants to cope with the stress, but I don't think I am depressed really (I have been in the past but not severely).

Equity, I am not completely sure. I think I personally have about 70-80k in it. I am not sure we could sell even if he agreed as we have post Grenfell issues.

Ideally I wanted one of us to keep the place and the other to get another near by. I put a lot of work into trying to make that happen November 2019 but was completely shot down.

You don't need his permission to move out. He can move wherever he likes and you do not have to follow him. You do not need his permission to leave the family home.

Do not speak to him at all. But DO Speak to your friend and see if she would be open to you staying there with your child. Do not warn him, do not tell him, just let him go about his life. Go see a solicitor to discuss your options. When he goes out and you know he will be gone out for an hour then pack 3-4 charges of clothes for you and your child, you work stuff and a few toys. Then walk out before he gets back.

I know it's not easy but your child is learning that it's fine for men to treat women like this.

Just remember he’s not in charge of your future, you are

I hear you @FraggleShingleBellRock but that seems melodramatic in a way. I guess I have just accepted things too much like @gobbynorthernbird says. It's been like boiling a frog.

And he is a good dad, it's only me he hates and treats like shit. Obviously that is bad for DD to see (though he puts on a smile when she is about generally), and I want to get out for her sake, but I worry if I take her he will see it as first move and he will then take her.

I am listening to you all and will take action. I am just scared.

He is not a good dad. A good dad treats the mother of their child with respect, compassion and empathy. A good dad looks after their child equally with the mother instead of making that child seem like an inconvenience and a burden. A god father enables the child's mother to succeed and earn a wage so that she can contribute to the child upbringing and family pot.

Every single thing you have said about him indicates that is, in fact, a terrible dad. And your daughter is learning that this is the correct way for men to treat her in future relationships. She is seeing her self in her formative years and the way he treats you, and her, will shape what she accepts and "puts up with " in the future.

Do your daughter a favour and get out now. That's not being melodramatic. I get you are ground down. But that means she is setting that as her "normal" and I can't think of a worse way to raise a child. Do it for her.