Making a plan to get away from shitty OH/possible financial abuse

[HowToGetOut]

Hiya,

New username here but I've been around about 5 years.

I have also posted about my shitty partner before, but I won't link. Previously he was an alcoholic, but he has stopped, but he treats me like shit.

I have ended the relationship but we are still living together, after he refused to speak with the bank when I found a small flat I could have just afforded about a year ago. We live in a small flat in London and lockdown has been awful. The new dimension being he has not let me work enough. When we were caring for DD in lockdown proper he wouldn't agree a schedule for our work, I just had to take the hours when he would watch her, and I got very behind in my job.

I ended up very unhappy with the work as well and decided to quit and set up freelance. So I have done that and am also doing a course which is directly related to my freelance work, but which I also enjoy.

When he found out I was leaving my job and I explained my business plan he said I would fail. He said everything I have ever done I have failed at or quit. Which isn't true anyway, but it was obviously said to hurt me and that shocked me more than the actual opinion.

The past week DD's daycare was closed due to a Covid case. I also happened to get my first two big freelance projects, with a tight (but manageable, when I got them) deadline.

He has totally refused to watch DD. He says if I really needed to work I would stop doing the classes for my course, even though I have exams this week. He also says that counts as leisure time, even though I watch DD during the (online) classes. So I am not allowed any leisure time, and he also won't watch her so I work. I have been working in the evenings and also trying to study.

I feel he is trying to sabotage me.
I respect he needs to work, but his boss knew DD was home this week and is understanding. Also today, after I had asked him to watch her so I could work and he refused, I took her to the park. We came back after a few hours and he was fixing his bike on the balcony and had been out for a run.

Anyway.

I need to work out a plan to leave. I don't know what to do as he won't talk about it. He wants to force a move to his home town (cheaper) but I am reluctant as I would be isolated there. I also now couldn't get a mortgage of my own as I just started freelance. He wanted us to buy another place together, and said I couldn't have my own bedroom (we no longer have sex - the relationship is over).

I know it sounds mad. I sound so passive and weak, and it's mad cos I really am not. I am the last person anyone would have expected to end up in an abusive relationship (I am coming to see it as being that, even though he's never hit me).

Any suggestions for things I should be doing?

I am not from the UK but I don't think I can take DD out of the UK as he's not been abusive so I wouldn't think I could get a court order. I would rather they have a good relationship anyway as he does love her.

Sorry for writing oddly, I am stealing a moment to write. I have spoken to Refuge before but it's been impossible stuck at home. I miss the office for the freedom I had there.

What a year.

dont tell him any more of your plans, you said you have savings, how much? can you afford a deposit on a rental and to get everything you need

You are right @FraggleShingleBellRock. It stings a little but you are right.

In the past he was pretty 50/50 and my mum always said I was lucky (my dad never did bath or made meals... but then she stayed with him till I was 10 so I guess I learnt to put up with crap too!)

I will start getting things in a row and speaking to people.

I will investigate rent and see how money works out with the current work I am doing. I hope to have a bit coming in.

If I leave the home does that affect my rights? Maybe a question for Solace or whomever I speak to this week.

If you're in shared ownership then speak to your housing association. You're technically a housing association client and they should be able to assist with housing advice.

Also, just because he isn't leaving a physical mark doesn't mean it's not abuse.

Op.. this is abuse. It's coercive control and yes you can get help from police, women's aid etc. You don't not have to own or live in a property you do not want to. Also, I'll be blunt, but he isn't a good father. He wont even watch her. You can get help to rebuild your life, please please seek help x

Can your freelance work be done from anywhere?

Many were having issues selling for that reason so the rules have changed last month. Not sure what it is now but you might be able to sell now.

He could move out and you could get a single mother lodger or female student in.

Is there someone who can come over and help with you LO while you're working?

Yes I could work from anywhere, which is why I thought maybe moving to his town might work, but I worry about him isolating me on purpose.

DD is usually at nursery and its ok, but it's been hard with it being closed. It's made me realise how bad things are.

So couldn't have anyone here now, but I have friend who can help with her when I need. Mostly neighbours etc with kids we know. I would lose that in another city and with Covid it's not an easy time to meet new people. (I know noone said I should move out of London, just thinking out loud).

I will see if I can speak to the property owners. They are quite useless! Ha

You are right not to move. You can move out locally and leave him to stay or go and potentially move back in...

I think you need to feel the fear and just take the first step of moving out and staying local.

I feel very heartbroken by your posts. The fact you are even contemplating moving with him. You want to leave him, and believe me, with the right help and support you can. This doesn't have to be your life. Xx

Thanks @LittleMissMoggy (and all).

I am going to slowly and carefully get my ducks in a row. I thought I had before but not enough.

I can't run this week or very soon but I will start making plans. I will come back and update if I do anything.

I just wish I had found MN before we bought a place and had DD (who I love to bits though, of course). I always had doubts but anyone I confided in brushed them off and told me not to nag, or that he didn't really drink to much, etc. I needed a good LTB then!!