Cooling off a friendship

[Nothavingfunrightnow]

I had been friends with XX for years but it got to the point the I ended the friendship courteously because I felt that the friendship was bad for me. Details may be outing so I would rather not specify the reasons. I appreciate that this may sound childish, but I felt that the most straightforward way to deal with the situation was to say that the friendship had fizzled.

Some months later she contacted me to say that her and her H were splitting up. I spent time with her again and it turned out to be a messy and horrible situation - allegations of DV (both of them), arrests (both of them), shouting lots, kids distressed etc. It seems to me she needed help of sorts.

I don't want to continue the friendship. I have done the delaying replying to texts thing, I have answered questions without opening to door to more engagement, but now I am stuck. She is toxic to me and I feel drained after being with her. Social services and other specialists are involved so I am not leaving her in the lurch without support.

Do I just ignore the requests to meet up? Do I go the direct route again? Do I take the gentler way and delay constantly till she gets the message?

I wish I had taken taken the bait when she first contacted me again.

I wish I had NOT taken the bait!

Difficult one, you've already told her directly in the past and now she's trying to worm her way back in. Telling her you no longer want to be friends is harsh but I guess it depends on the reason. I would make it clear that can't meet because you're busy, seeing another friend/working etc, keep up the vagueness a bit longer, if all else fails I guess you will have no choice but to be direct.

Thanks, seensome. Fortunately I am self-isolating now!

Perhaps saying you have some personal issues going on that you need to focus on so you'll be going quiet for a while.

If you make noises about needing support chances are she'll disappear! It's more problematic if she wants to help!

Yes, it has all been about her lately, timeforabiscuit - that coupled with comments about my weight (I am fat) and her weight loss (sudden and extreme) is draining, too.

Time to call it a day! Ghosting might be the best option.

Just say you’re at high risk for Covid and can’t meet up until you’ve had the vaccine

Tell her that because you are so ‘huge’ that she looks like a walking bitter tasting Twiglet to you. That you are worried that you might want to dip her in something sweet and eat her. Best call it a day eh!

Ta ta Twiglet-bitch!

I really have had enough of her!

Quite honestly, you've told her once you don't want to continue being friends which is a quite a brave and honest thing to do. She's now in touch again wanting support but also being rude by mentioning your weight which is none of her business. I have to say I would probably block at this stage.

You know there is support in place for the kids so if she has been toxic to you, I would avoid getting dragged into this situation with a clear conscience.

You've been honest, you don't owe her any more than that. If her home circs are as volatile as they sound, I would be expecting her to ask for money/ a place to stay/ help moving etc etc before too long. This could be her reason for getting in touch again and it's not your responsibility.

I know this sounds a bit harsh but if she genuinely wanted to make amends or was desperate, she wouldn't be making the comments about your weight.

Just repeat what you said last time.

You need to be direct because she is not respectful of you or your boundaries. People like her are thick skinned - they can take it. In fact they are used to it because they will have heard it many times before - I bet she has been told to sling her hook by plenty people in the past.

Interesting that you know you took the bait - that’s because you felt manipulated and dominated - because you were.

She sounds ignorant and toxic. Get rid and don’t look back.

And block as you need to emotionally protect yourself as she has proven already to be offensive.

Ta ta Twiglet-bitch

Love it 🤣

draughty that was a top post !

Hi OP, how I got rid of an annoying, toxic friendship 2 years ago.

1. Delay reply texting - 1 day or 2 days.
2. Always (short) excuses why can't meet up. Sorry, got a lot on. Sorry, you're self-isolating. Sorry, you're attending a May Day Parade in Prague. Maybe not ever bother with the "sorry". Never suggest anything. Never offer hope. Never meet up. Never answer the phone. Just no.can.do.

She'll get the message .

@Nothavingfunrightnow can I ask what is it she’s done to you to make you want to cut her out for life?

Butterfly3105, without outing myself, I know she uses her friendship with me to goad her husband who by all accounts dislikes me, she cancelled so many arrangements, and in short, when I'm in her company I feel drained. I also feel that if she does ask after me, it's for gossip fodder rather than out of genuine interest. More than that is difficult to explain. I think she is manipulative and self absorbed.

I have a friend just just like this. Uses me, draining, has so many problems, hates the world, everything is about her... ghosting seems to have worked for now

Yes, it's exactly that. I feel used by her.

I wonder if it's the same person :)

OP if you are sure you do not want to continue being her friend I think you need to sit down with her and be honest. Say to her that you are very sorry as she clearly could do with support at the moment, but that you cannot provide her with that support and that you are very sorry but you just cannot be her friend any more. You need to be direct as she will be stressed out beyond belief and won't have a normal level of radar to read your mind or the fact that you are ghosting her.

Does she have any support from anyone else? I wouldn't consider SWs to be support as they will be only concerned about the wellbeing of the children. Could you ask her if she has anyone just to check?

I think that this shows lacking in you to be perfect honest, the fact that you haven't done this already and instead have just been ghosting. You really should have been direct and also realised that someone in a dv relationship is not in a good place, is not her normal self, and ...will be draining. I also think that it is a bit sad that she clearly has misread your past behaviour and thought that you would be a friend to her, it sounds as though you are a fair weather friend type? Maybe that is unfair, but all you have mentioned is fairly ridiculous things like weight comparisons which in the context of her real life problems sounds somewhat ridiculous.

But anyway - be honest and also apologise as she clearly sees you as a friend.

And think about whether you could offer anything at all and be specific about that. Like - if you wanted a coffee I would be able to meet once a week but wouldn't be able to stay longer than 30 mins, as I have to do other things, I am sorry. I won't be able to take calls between x time and x time. If you needed me to do x I could do that. So set really clear firm boundaries.

But if you can't do that, then be honest and say you are out, and she needs to find someone else to give her support. And that you are sorry.

Violence, arrests, shouting - no, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like this. Her chaos, her life. I'd just block her and stop agonising about it. She's not even nice to you.

thisisallaboutyou I think from the OP that she has ended the friendship by saying she considers it has fizzled out so wouldn't be ghosting.

I would disagree that she's got anything to apologise for, especially given the 'friend's remarks, cancelling arrangements and the issue with the husband. I fully agree the friend doesn't sound like she's in a great position but this isn't the OP's responsibility to solve her problems or absorb her unkind comments.

yellow yes I see what you mean. Though by ghosting I was referring to I have done the delaying replying to texts thing, I have answered questions without opening to door to more engagement, but now I am stuck. I am sorry that what I said came across as harsher than I had intended I might have read the posts wrong because it was late. I meant that it is best to be honest and straight with her rather than avoid texts so she knows where she stands.

In relation to saying sorry, with friendships we are never responsible for the other person, but we sometimes give our time anyway, but sometimes we cannot give our time or we don't want to, but if the other person is in dire straights, you can say sorry that you can't help not that you are doing anything wrong.

OP if she is calling you names about your weight then I am sorry, I had read it that she was talking about her own weight loss, which I thought was probably linked to her personal circumstances.

Thanks for all the advice. The instances I could mention would be too outing for me me to describe. She certainly has support through other friends, and she has mental health support. So, I think if she does contact me again, I'll be upfront with her as I was before. She needs help that I am unable to offer.

@draughtycatflap

How did she react last time when you told her that you thought that your friendship had fizzled out?