Exploitative Friendship

[Butteredteacakes]

So long term friend who lives three hours away has brushed me off again. Haven't seen her or her husband since last year. Suggested we use the Christmas restriction lifting period to meet up. All good in terms of bubbles, households and she has been texting me to say she misses me etc etc. Suggested they come down to us for a night and the next day as going out to eat problematic. We would cook and entertain them. Get a response after a few days wait saying they don't want to risk toilets in service stations so would prefer to meet halfway but wait...can't go out for a meal. So basically saying no to meeting up but in an indirect way that I had to ask her to clarify. Few texts later tells me they have been eating out in pubs. Not using the loo? Unlikely.

Background to this is that she was single for about ten years when her first husband left her. In that time she would come to stay with me every six weeks from Friday night to late Sunday night. At times this went up to every other week. I would invite her to most social events with my other friends including trips abroad. She would book to stay on her birthday and I would spoil her for the weekend. Then she met her second husband just as I was splitting from my husband.

Cue boot on other foot. I have rarely been invited to stay at her house, probably less than a handful in ten years, not invited to events with her friends, trips abroad dried up. She has an annual weekend with friends, never been asked. She has had a lot of problems remembering my birthday although it is a month after her and the day after a long term relationship she had with a married man. Ironically he wasn't around for her birthday because it was his wedding anniversary. However, she comes across as kind and caring generally and takes great pride in being seen this way.

I have a new partner who has recently moved in and have created a new life for myself after ten years on my own but I am feeling quite hurt and resentful as she could ask us to hers to eat and I very much expect that her husband has been in the pub everyday since lockdown was lifted. It's very much a friendship always on her terms. Meeting halfway would be three hours drive for us, fifteen minutes for them by the way! She also has this very indirect way of communicating. Intimating yes when she means no. In the past she would make plans with me but then talk about other plans the next time I saw her, kind of letting me down without actually saying it, weird. She stopped doing that when I confronted her about it.

Anyone have experience with this?

How will meeting halfway mean 3 hours for you and 15 minutes for them?

Also, I think you're reading a bit much into thisI've been in tier 3 or local lockdown since March bar about 2 or 3 weeks. During the relax I went for meals etc, didn't set one foot into public toilets, so maybe don't assume otherwiseI also wouldn't set foot into a service station either

This virus has affected some people more than others. We have all had to find out own way of dealing with it. Not fair to judge them for theirs
Of course, there may be an issue in your friendship, so maybe raise it with her and ask? Your examples here haven't screamed that to me though

Honestly.. I think I would just step back from the friendship as it’s clearly one-sided and you’re now (understandably!) becoming resentful.

All the time. You 'just' have to learn to accept people aren't who they say they are and don't let them get too close. I have lots of girlfriends who are like this.

It's certainly an odd one, considering how much you helped your friend.

It feels like this friendship is dead in the water. I wish I had a friend who made as much effort as you have! We should all be so lucky. Don’t put up with this

Friend goes to the loo when out a lot. We joke about her 'seals being broken ' so I think it's a fair assumption that she would use the loo in the pub. It felt like an excuse not to come down. I would prefer her to be direct and just say she didn't want to travel. As I said she has a very indirect way of communicating, doesn't want to be the bad guy and say no. I find it confusing. She wants to be seen as kind and caring but I feel exploited by her.

@TalkToTheHand123, I am starting to feel that way. I think the amount of time we spent together when she was single made me think the friendship was closer than it really is. She refers to me as her sister. Doesn't seem to 'need' me any more and I feel sidelined until she wants a weekend at mine.

I know this probably isn't relevant to your situation at all but just to offer another perspective - I'm a real introvert (act quite extroverted ironically when I get to know someone well - that takes bloody ages for me) but I get very intimidated and 'cool off' with constant requests to meet up. Especially if it involves any 'intensity' e. G staying over/all day things. It's not that I don't want to see them. I really do. But I get all in a fluster and panic about someone demanding my time and back off. But as I say it probably isn't relevant to your situation. You sound peeved at your mate. Your clearly judging her by bringing up the married man thing that you know she'll be looked badly upon for on here. Maybe she's just moved on and is settled with her new bloke. Sadly friendships can dissolve and drift. Its shit that you've helped her out in the past and now she's flaky on you but it's probably best not to get too resentful and find new friends and just keep it casual contact wise with her.

Funnily enough I am the introvert, she's the extrovert so nothing to do with those issues at all. I don't think she liked being on her own when she was single which was why she booked loads of weekends at friends houses, not just mine. I mentioned the married man thing because of the irony of spending her birthdays with me because he wasn't available and forgetting mine which was a day after his. As for judging her, it did feel very uncomfortable for me because I had a childhood blighted by one of my parent's persistent infidelity. It doesn't sit well with me. Not too concerned about presenting her in a bad light on here. Up to others how they see it.

I would say that your friends are still your friends whatever your relationship status. Didn't make any difference to me when I was married. Always had time and space for her. Makes me quite sad that some friends dissppear when they're paired up.

Stop chasing her, it's demeaning. Sit back, say nothing more about meeting up. If this was a guy you were interested in the honest appraisal would be, he's just not into you. Same for this friendship- she is going through the motions. Put the friendship on the friendly but not close pile and lower your expectations. It's hurtful but chasing after her hoping she is going to change is just prolonging the agony.

Thank you @Melange99, I think you have summed it up well. I do feel demeaned as it seems to be me trying to arrange to meet up and being rejected. I don't think friendships are all about keeping score, sometimes you need to lean on your friends but I do feel she exploited me when she was single and is now doing the bare minimum to keep the friendship going. Why say you 'miss me' then put loads of obstacles to meeting up? Doesn't make sense.

Hindsight is 20/20 but there are other friends she no longer sees although she had a circuit of weekend stays during her single years.

She has mooted about a weekend abroad next year for a birthday. Not a big birthday. Will be interesting to see if I get an invite and whether I will put myself to go if I am.

I’d take a step back from her. You’ve been a good friend, helping her over many years, but sounds like she’s becoming more of an acquaintance really.
Can you try and see other friends , though difficult atm. ?

Thank you @Sloth66. Yes I have been out walking with other local friends.

What is bothering me is the excuses not to meet. Using covid is a bit poor in my view but it is the accumulation of let downs since she got remarried. One incident sticks with me. I was setting up a business and wanted to use an event to advertise. She had experience in this and I asked her to let me know when her next event was planned, I would pop up to observe. She 'forgot' to let me know. I rarely if ever ask her for favours so it was important to me.

A therapist once said to me you forget things that aren't important to you. Very, very true. She clearly hasn't viewed me as important despite constantly telling me the opposite. She also makes a point of letting me know all the nice, kind things she does for people. Rant over!

It's understandable to be confused and want to find out why such a change in attitude and difficult to get your head around. Sometimes there is a need to vent and can be a helpful release!

I would stop trying to make arrangements that she keeps rejecting for various reasons. Just be direct and ask her what date and where suits her, ' OK, happy to meet up where and when suits you, what do you suggest?'. If she comes back with a flaky excuse or is non committal, I would just reply, 'how sad, I thought something could be arranged'. Then leave it.

Thank you everyone for listening and validating. I feel much better. I will step back and let her organise any future meet ups.

I do think it's a risky strategy to forget your friends when you are sorted with a relationship as I certainly won't be offering the level of support I previously did if it fails. There were clues (hindsight again) when I first met her as she didn't have any friends, used to only socialise with her husband and their respective parents. Her current friends are all associated with her husband.

Honestly it sounds like you don't actually like her that much and are judgemental of her life choices. I would take a step back and decide if the friendship is worth preserving.

I think you are her back up friend and she is now making that perfectly clear that she has more better offers. I would move on.

I feel disappointed and angry to be honest and a bit sad which I will process. I am going to step back and see what happens. I gave a lot of time and energy to this friendship because I thought she felt the same way. I don't like the way she is treating me and I don't like her at the moment that's true.

She sounds real selfish, depending on you when it suited her and now she ‘can’t’ meet you. Don’t take it as a personal thing or blame yourself thinking you shouldn’t have been so accommodating. I’d bet she does it to everyone and thinks it’s ok because she’s self centred. I’d not bother with her again, open yourself up to new friendships. From past experience I wouldn’t bother trying to talk to her about it, concentrate on the people who make time for you and leave her to it.

I would just not say anything and if she gets in touch then ok if you want to continue the friendship but not let her mug you off again and only do things with her which suits you.

Thank you @Biscuitz, I think I am realising there was a lot of need on her side and I am looking at her overall behaviour towards other people as a result. I don't want to become bitter or cynical about it but it is disappointing when the penny finally drops.

I would take a step back, hard as it is. I'm in the same situation with someone that I thought was one of my best friends. It's very hurtful, but I am now at the point where I'm fed up with trying to arrange meet ups. I thought it was Covid, but my friend is still managing to go to gym classes etc.
The only comfort if you can call it that is that she's done the same to a couple of other friends. I think with some people it the new best friend syndrome & they can't manage to be friends with more than one person.
I haven't fallen out, or am saying that I won't see her again, just that I'm not going to ask anymore.

When you said she told you she had no friends so you invited her out with yours but she didn’t reciprocate, that’s the bit that really strikes me. It sounds quite manipulative and definitely isn’t normal. It’s difficult to get over friendships like that, like a break up but you can’t really talk about it. Try not to blame yourself, I did because it all seemed so obvious in hindsight but now it’s years later and I can see that it was her problem. How did you meet originally?