Need a womans perspective. Paranoid she doesn't love me.

[Redarrowfan12]

My girlfriend says she loves me but I don't know why I'm paranoid she doesn't!

She says she loves me so much, travels an hour to see me, has met my parents and I have met her parents. Took me to see her nans grave, who she was very close to. Makes plans to see me, has planned seeing eachother over Xmas. Come see up with ideas of things to do together. Insists on paying her way when we go for a meal. Says she wishes she could come home to me, says she wants a future with me. Calls me a lot throughout the day. Says I bring out the best in her and I make her happy. Says she misses me, and is planning a birthday gift for me early next year. Says she's never felt so relaxed, comfortable and loved by anyone before. That I mean the world to her and she thinks we have something special together.

She also says she wants to make me happy, when I tell her She does make me happy she says, 'that's all I want'

For some reason I'm paranoid that she is some how pretending that she likes me. Am I overthinking?

What makes you think she doesn't love you?

@Smowman123 not had this before. My ex lost interest no left me, maybe that's why I'm paranoid it's going to happen again.

I don’t think this is a issue about your current girlfriend, I think this is a issue with your own self esteem. If your girlfriend is telling you all of this and showing you how much she cares by involving your in intimate parts of her family life then take her at her word. This insecurity will rear its ugly head and only escalate if you don’t get control of it now. Why would someone act so convincingly of caring for you if it’s not true and just a act? Enjoy it, don’t question it and don’t tar it with previous experiences because this isn’t those experiences this is new and a different person

Paranoid - but you'll drive her away if you carry on like this.

This is a problem with you, not her, and you will drive her away if you don’t sort it.

Get a grip on yourself or you'll end up coming through the wreckage of this relationship looking for the black box.

*combing

You have to take her at her word and trust what she's saying... if you keep questioning her love, she'll start questioning it herself and it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

It sounds like you aren't in a healthy headspace to be in a relationship at the moment. Do you constantly seek her reassurance? Tell her you can't believe she really wants you? It's a huge emotional Labour to be with someone so unwaveringly insecure and it's an unfair pressure on her.

@youvegottenminuteslynn
I have never actually told her my concerns. I keep it to myself. I'm not constantly trying to get reassurance from her. This is something I've kept to myself. I guess I'm thinking it's too good to be true perhaps.

[quote Redarrowfan12]@youvegottenminuteslynn
I have never actually told her my concerns. I keep it to myself. I'm not constantly trying to get reassurance from her. This is something I've kept to myself. I guess I'm thinking it's too good to be true perhaps.[/quote]
In a healthy relationship you need to have open communication. If you're having these overwhelming feelings and are aware they are strong and constant, but also aware that telling her about them would scare her away, you need to think about having some counselling. Because those feelings you are having won't disappear by themselves and while you're managing to hide them right now, it's very likely they will at some point show themselves through you questioning her, seeking reassurance or trying to control her / the relationship. You need to seek help for this.

is this a reverse?

@Servalan how do you mean?

She's say to me sometimes like -
You'll get bored of me soon
You'll get rid of me soon
You can do better

It concerns me she says these things. I don't know why she says them.

Are you actually the girlfriend in this scenario?

You've listed a whole load of things your girlfriend has done and said that should reassure you that she cares for you but give absolutely no reason that she wouldn't.

It makes far more sense that the girlfriend would ask why the boyfriend doesn't believe she cares for him than the other way around.

Why would this be a reverse, it's nothing outlandish.

Anyway, I often feel the same as OP. ours all in my head but past experience makes it hard.

You need to understand that these negative thoughts are wrong and just stop before you drive her away, it will happen eventually. I don't have any real solution but you just can't keep feeling like this

Just seen your more recent post. So you're both second guessing one another? Sounds exhausting and not particularly healthy. Can you not just enjoy one another's company?

Depends. If you've been together 18 months, this sound fine. If you've been together 3 weeks, not so much.

Love Bombing is a definite red flag. Is this what's got you feeling uncertain?

Well you can be damned sure of one thing if you carry on with this ridiculous behaviour she will leave you because needy paranoid behaviour is something women really hate.
Us lot don't pretend to like we just do or don't. Maybe you are paranoid because that's how men behave, lead on and dump. Women are not generally like men.
If you are this paranoid and ruining your future with these kinds of thoughts i'd go to counselling and get it sorted out.

@servalan we do enjoy eachothers company, though I think she too also has trust issues. She has told me before. She comes out randomly sometimes saying it looks like I have things in my mind, that I'm going off her etc. I think it's worse for me now because the last time I saw her we weren't as flirty and laughing as we normally are. But she has been unwell so I'm guessing that will affect her mood.
Just yesterday she told me she wants me for life. That's pretty big in my eyes.

How long have you been seeing each other?

@opentooffers 11 months

Sounds like you both need to relax and enjoy what you have.

The bottom line is that there are no guarantees. All relationships involve a leap of faith. The longer a relationship lasts and is successful, the more likely it is to continue in that vein. You cannot be sure it will but - assuming it’s a healthy and nurturing relationship - you just have to trust that it will and proceed on that basis. Otherwise fear-based thinking can drain the relationship of its positives and end up driving you apart when a more balanced attitude would have allowed you to stay together. For example, a friend of mine was desperately insecure in his long-term relationship and it reached the point that his partner couldn’t handle it any more. His insecurity drove her away causing precisely the thing he feared which was to lose her.

This is why - assuming the relationship is healthy and nurturing - you have to proceed on the basis of faith in your relationship and trust that it will continue. And also trust that if it does end, it will be very sad but you will handle that, too, if you ever have to. Because you would. Even my insecure friend got over his heartbreak and settled down very successfully with someone else having learnt some very valuable lessons from his first heartbreak.

@Dery
Thankyou. That makes sense. I guess this week she hasn't been her usual self which has led me to think she's going off me. She's not well and been prescribed tabs so need to give her the benefit of the doubt. She's still booking time off work so she can spend it with me over Xmas.

There is no evidence here whatsoever that she isn't being completely genuine.

You are in massive danger of looking for problems that aren't there and it could be the undoing of you.

It is possible to be a bit of an insecure person and have a stable relationship. It sounds as though she has a few herself with her comments about 'you'll get bored of me...etc'

As long as you are equally reassuring when she says those things herself and don't start looking for evidence to justify your own insecurities, you could be ok.

You really need to stop overthinking this, though, or you will ruin it.