How am I supposed to help?

[Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

NC for this post..

I'm worried about my boyfriend being completely delusional.

The last 3 days I've seen him in the evenings he's been causing issues.

1st night - claimed I I followed someone on Instagram because when he checked in the morning it said a number then when he checked again it was 1 less. I showed him my phone saying the original number and his was saying one less. Proved I wasn't lying!

2nd night - causing issues because I said it's courtesy to check if he's going to turn up in the middle of the day in case I'm on a meeting and can't answer the door. Accused me of not meaning he can come round any time! He said he fully plans to turn up unannounced.

3rd night - asked if I had someone round as there were two dry patches on the drive. I'd parked in two different places during the day.

Now today because I read his message last night and didn't reply I fell asleep, woke up to a message about how I'm lying about falling asleep, he said Fitbit will prove it. Screenshotted and he said I could have got that from anywhere!

I'm fully aware he has major trust issues. Nothing that I have caused. But I'm getting to the end of my tether as he's saying I've got to do things to remove any doubt. I'm not sure what I can actually do? I feel this is his issue to sort out but he says it's his issue.
He said he'd feel better if he could be with me every evening even if I have to get on with other things while he's here. I've allowed that but he's still carrying on.
I know the easiest and best thing to do is to walk away but seriously how do I get him to understand that I am not responsible for sorting his shit out 😫

OP you have a huge amount of self insight. You've identified what happens in your mind at the point at which you back down and why. You know exactly what you need to do and why in the past you've found it difficult to stick to, and what you need to do differently this time.
You can absolutely do this.
Make a plan, make sure you're safe, and start living again.

None of his concern what you do, where, when, who with
He will turn violent if you leave, contact women's aid and get out safely

This sounds terrifying and abusive x

OP, I lived with someone like this once- because I was so reluctant to boot someone out because they were 100% ‘all in’ and focussed on me I ended up getting my home trashed when they got wind I wanted out. Please protect yourself and get rid- he needs help

It isn't up to you to fix him and his paranoia. He won't believe you no matter what you say or do anyway.

Please do your very best to find the strength to dump him - he is seriously bad news.

Run!!!

I had a control freak of a boyfriend once and it just got worse and worse. He turned physical in the end, walloped me over the head with a pewter tankard because I was late home from work. I wish I hadn't ignored the red flags at the start - I was starry eyed and thought his insane jealousy proved he loved me.

@Cavagirl

OP you have a huge amount of self insight. You've identified what happens in your mind at the point at which you back down and why. You know exactly what you need to do and why in the past you've found it difficult to stick to, and what you need to do differently this time. You can absolutely do this. Make a plan, make sure you're safe, and start living again.

Thank you! I hope people understand where I'm coming from and that I really am trying to do everything I can so that I've got the tools in place to end things for good.

I will contact the lady tomorrow and see if we can start putting a plan together.

I doubt anyone here will say other than run! What Atilla says is spot on: you’re not his rehab.

I’m really glad you’re starting therapy. You’re absolutely right in that we all seek what’s familiar (even if it’s bad) and the roots of why you are drawn into these patterns in relationship will be in your earliest relationships. When we are babies we don’t get to choose our parents, but we are helpless and must attach to the adults who feed and look after us. Sometimes attachment goes wrong. Worst case, we have parents who are controlling or abusive and when that happens we can get caught in a cycle of fighting back and appeasing others. Even loving parents might have their own problems and give us mixed messages about what is and isn’t ok in relationship. We act out those patterns in adulthood often because ‘parts’ of us are always children. This could be why you know this is wrong and unhealthy (the adult you knows) but younger parts of you don’t know and seek attachment in the way you are used to.

I was about to say I'm surprised he hasn't moved in by stealth. Well done on getting him to move out. Can you get keys off him or change the locks.

Throw the whole man away!!!

If he's like this NOW, he's not going to get better / relax with time. He'll get worse as he'll feel that he has more rights to tell you what you can do and when you can do it.

I honestly couldn't tell you how many people I follow (or my husband follows) on Instagram. You do not have to live like this!!! No person is fulfilling enough to make this behaviour worthwhile!

This is abuse. GET OUT NOW!

Tell him from me that I am very sympathetic for the pain and distress he's in, then finish it.

He's clearly got some issues to work through, but it's never going to get better between you, sorry.

Okay OP.. I think you are me. I have a thread going where I tell about paranoid behaviour in my relationship and I am desperate to leave. I've tried many times and been reeled back, only to face more of the same.
I've been accused of the most complex cheating ever..it would be funny if it wasnt so abusive. You cant ever convince these people. Mine has told me he has " seen" messages to other men then when I show my phone, he says I have deleted them. You cant win. Read up on trauma bonding, it may help you understand. I can promise that it wont get better unless you end it.

@AlicebytheSea

Okay OP.. I think you are me. I have a thread going where I tell about paranoid behaviour in my relationship and I am desperate to leave. I've tried many times and been reeled back, only to face more of the same. I've been accused of the most complex cheating ever..it would be funny if it wasnt so abusive. You cant ever convince these people. Mine has told me he has " seen" messages to other men then when I show my phone, he says I have deleted them. You cant win. Read up on trauma bonding, it may help you understand. I can promise that it wont get better unless you end it.

I came across your thread too and was spooked at how similar this is.

He's currently laying into me because apparently I won't help him by doing a polygraph and that I'm messing with his head etc. He said he'll find someone to be with that will do these things. I dread him putting someone else through this.

I've been speaking to my refuge worker and she's helping me get things in place. Have you sought support from women's aid?

Controlling, controlling, controlling.

It will get a million times worse.
This is not a trust issue, this is conditioning you then he will ramp up the abuse.

Get out now.

He is checking up on you. The turning up, the instagram. You don't have to show him anything. You don't have to prove anything. Why on earth should you?
Say no. Say it's non of his business how many likes you have on Instagram.
Say no over and over.
You will never, ever be able to prove to him, it will get worse and worse.

OP it's interesting that the title of your thread is "how am I supposed to help?" and he's asking you to "help him" by doing a lie detector. Is this how he always phrases his requests for proof? "Help"?
What happens if you ask him for help? Can you help me by stop asking me to screenshot my fitbit to prove I'm asleep, for example??

I have been asking all week to start helping the situation by stopping this level of treatment. He complains that I'm not affectionate enough and granted I do struggle a bit with that but I am quite happy with holding hands and snuggling on the sofa but he says this doesn't prove I want him. He says I'm not normal and I've explained I struggle to be close to someone when they treat me that way. I've told him his behaviour is making me lose confidence but he's of the view that if I just answer his questions then things would be okay. My view is that it fucks me off and ruins the rest of the day so it'll never move forward.
He goes on and on about how he can't live like this anymore and if I loved and wanted him I'd do these things for him. If I dare question him he says I'm attacking him.

I honestly don't know how you can bear to be around him. He sounds suffocating and in desperate need of intensive therapy. He will strip you of every bit of self esteem and worth before very long.

He can't live like this? Fine - tell him to move out then...

I bet you answer his questions but he never believes you,right? Mine twists me in knots to prove I'm lying. If I defend myself, he tells I'm triggering him and setting him up deliberately.

Yes I have contacted Refuge. They never pick up the phone but I have chatted online to them.

His behaviour is really abnormal and its bit bloody rich for him to tell you that you aren't normal.

I think it is standard to say we are the crazy ones. Mine has been under MH care for years, yet he calls me a psycho and unstable but I " get away with it because he is scapegoated". OP again, mine constantly asks for me to "help" him, by doing the kinds of things you are demanded to do, and I'm not affectionate enough either apparently.

The similarities are wierd..

By the way, you need no reason at all to dump and block and no, you don't owe him an explanation, you don't owe him 'closure', you just BLOCK.

Unless someone is on the receiving end of this behaviour. Then start a multi page thread about how unfair it is.

Hi OP.
I’m so pleased to hear you are working with refuge. That’s the best thing you could be doing. It takes courage and I have huge amounts of respect for you. Keep going.

The only thing I can add is that the refuge woman will have seen similar before so even if you’re not sure of what she says, trust her. She has the experience, the tools and has your best interests at heart.

Best wishes

@Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, give yourself the best Christmas present possible by getting rid. The nice person who appears when you try and leave him is a fantasy, the hateful paranoid one is the real him. Careful plan, change your locks, tell the police just incase and don't look back. Be safe