How am I supposed to help?

[Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

NC for this post..

I'm worried about my boyfriend being completely delusional.

The last 3 days I've seen him in the evenings he's been causing issues.

1st night - claimed I I followed someone on Instagram because when he checked in the morning it said a number then when he checked again it was 1 less. I showed him my phone saying the original number and his was saying one less. Proved I wasn't lying!

2nd night - causing issues because I said it's courtesy to check if he's going to turn up in the middle of the day in case I'm on a meeting and can't answer the door. Accused me of not meaning he can come round any time! He said he fully plans to turn up unannounced.

3rd night - asked if I had someone round as there were two dry patches on the drive. I'd parked in two different places during the day.

Now today because I read his message last night and didn't reply I fell asleep, woke up to a message about how I'm lying about falling asleep, he said Fitbit will prove it. Screenshotted and he said I could have got that from anywhere!

I'm fully aware he has major trust issues. Nothing that I have caused. But I'm getting to the end of my tether as he's saying I've got to do things to remove any doubt. I'm not sure what I can actually do? I feel this is his issue to sort out but he says it's his issue.
He said he'd feel better if he could be with me every evening even if I have to get on with other things while he's here. I've allowed that but he's still carrying on.
I know the easiest and best thing to do is to walk away but seriously how do I get him to understand that I am not responsible for sorting his shit out 😫

No I don't usually give in and start proving how I haven't because most of the time I cannot actually prove I've not done the things he's accusing me of. How can I prove something I've not done? And I make it very clear to him it's not on and that it's abusive and all he says is he's not proud of how he behaves when he's struggling.
All he ever does is obsess over what I might be doing wrong to him. He doesn't sleep well for the thoughts going through his head.
2 bastard years this has been going on and he promised me during lockdown it would change. I told him I can't continue if he doesn't trust me because him being this way makes me so low in my confidence. It's exhausting. I am in contact with a lady at my local refuge who is aware of my situation and she's trying to build my confidence and strength to move on from this.
I hate myself for putting up with it, for believing he will change.
And yes it's crossed my mind he could be the one up to no good.
And it's also crossed my mind it could turn physical. He's actually quite a horrible person in my opinion.

We can't even watch tv without him making negative comments about any person. Oh look how orange they are, look how this or that they are. I feel it's unkind and not on.

Also the fact he said he'd head butt a guy if he saw him walking down the street. A guy I apparently had been messaging but actually have no idea who he is. He also threatened to contact the girlfriend of a guy I know who apparently I've been messaging and ruin his life. I'm just gobsmacked somebody could be so vicious.

Last week he was crying because he thinks old friends aren't interested in him these days and someone, I.e me and my family must have been putting word about how he treats me. After what he said about physically hurting people because of no reason whatsoever I said I'm not surprised people aren't keen if you are shit stirring. Maybe it was a step too far but all he comes across is a horrible and miserable person.

I need the strength to leave and walk for good. I know he will never change and I've made it clear to him it's not my responsibility to change him, nor do I want to spend my time changing him while I'm getting on with my life.

He uses my low confidence against me and hopes he'll break me down to give in but I will not allow it. Bastard

Oops! You couldn't work the answer out yourself? Stop dating people who need to change or you are on a hiding to nothing WYSIWYG.

You don't live with the man so RUN. Run NOW. Run as far and as fast as you can. And then you should seek some therapy because you clearly know this behaviour is totally not okay, you don't even LIKE this man and yet you have struggled to dump him.

Also, even if all of this is because he does have serious issues, it is NOT you problem to fix them. It is his. Unfortunately, too many men get away with this.

He is dangerous. Just read through your message and count the number of violent outbursts/threats you've just mentioned. To terrifying. I'm sure there are many more too.

There is no way you can build up your confidence whilst he is in your life. He is toxic - full of rage and negativity. He's projecting how he feels about himself onto you.

You're right, he does need help. But not from you! He needs intensive therapy and to stay the fuck out of relationships for a very long time. But I doubt this will happen. These types of men tend to blame everyone else for their behaviour.

Please dig deep and find a way out.... away from him. He honestly sounds vile. Everyone on here is saying the same, we can't all be wrong.

He’s completely controlling and abusive!! It’s actually scary!
Get rid! He’s not going to change. If he wanted to change, he would. But he doesn’t want to. This shitty dynamic suits him, he can take out his anger and issues on you, and you sit back and take it.
Just dump and block and for goodness sake, get some counselling. Please!

I know the easiest and best thing to do is to walk away but seriously how do I get him to understand that I am not responsible for sorting his shit out

You won’t get him to understand

Because he won’t want to
He wants to control you, wear you down to a shadow of yourself and have you walking on broken glass.

He will destroy you. He’s escalating and there is no way back

Please end this asap

He’s showing signs of weird stalking controlling behaviour. You need to end it, but safely. I would suggest you look at the Women’s Aid website and similar, there’s loads of advice on the threads on the relationships board. Be vigilant and careful, be prepared to call the police if you’re at all scared or if he pulls the shitty “you’re making me feel suicidal” line out from the script these arseholes use.

All he ever does is obsess over what I might be doing wrong to him. He doesn't sleep well for the thoughts going through his head.

It's so obvious to all of us that you need to leave him and fast.

Can you tell us what's keeping you there?

Is it because you had a glimpse of a nice, normal man right at the beginning and you still have hope that he'll return? (He won't, btw.)

Are you broke? (I'll put money on him being financially abusive in some way.)

Have you fallen out with friends and family because of him? (That would certainly be following the script.

What's stopping you from ending it OP?

To answer your question - you're not supposed to help HIM. He is beyond 'help'

You ARE supposed to help yourself by cutting him out of your life. For Good. And that means telling him sooner rather than later that it's over, and you want nothing more to do with him.

At least you don't live with him. If he has a key change the locks. If he stalks/harasses you - call the police.

I seriously cannot believe you have had to come on here to ask advice - read your post back to yourself. This man is one big walking red flag.

Your BF needs intense psychiatric help (probably a combo of inpatient and outpatient) YOU cannot change him you are only on the receiving end of his abusive delusions and need to cut all contact to protect yourself

Run like the wind. You can't help or change this person and as people have said it will escalate.

This is huge red flag behaviour. This is controlling and it will escalate.

You need to dump this priock, he is a control freak and abuser and he will eventually turn violent, they always do.

I posted on here for reassurance and for help. I don't have anyone I'm close enough to in real life to support me.

It's the cycle that keeps me here. The fact that yes he was perfect in the beginning and when he knows I'm at breaking point he will start being the nice version of him again and I'm stupid enough to believe it.

As I've said I'm in contact with a lady from refuge as signposted from women's aid as that is the service local to me for the help I need. She has said I need to build strength up to leave and understands it may take a few more times of trying to walk away before I'm finally strong enough to do it for good.

I'm educating myself daily by following MN and other social media support on boundaries and what is acceptable etc. I know I'm much more aware now but it doesn't make it any easier to leave. He was previously living with me but I have managed to get him back to his own place so I feel like I'm making progress.

I'm completely financially independent with my own home, as his he. I just feel stupid for not being strong enough to completely cut ties.

I'm starting year long counselling in February which will help me get to the root cause from my childhood as to why I have allowed this sort of behaviour and to address my deep rooted confidence issues.

He was previously living with me but I have managed to get him back to his own place so I feel like I'm making progress.

I'm completely financially independent with my own home, as his he.

This is brilliant, brilliant progress. You've done so well to make that happen with someone so controlling, honestly. Please do keep going, ending it and cutting ties with him will be the start of a new, happy and healthy life. You can focus on you and building up healthy boundaries - make 2021 the year of loving yourself

It sounds like you're trying to help yourself but he honestly sounds extremely dangerous. Please don't risk waiting for the possibility of finding the strength to leave him. How do you know he won't hurt you physically? He certainly has it in him from what you've shared. In reality, he will grind you down and make you weaker, not stronger. Then it'll be even harder to leave him. The longer you wait, the longer it will take you to recover from the trauma caused by his abuse.

You're choosing to continue this though. You're not trapped, you're not waiting for finances, you're not waiting for accommodation, you're not waiting for support, you're not waiting for a window of safety to flee, you're not waiting for knowledge or understanding.

You're just stalling.

Leaving the relationship is never going to be easy. If you wait for the magical day where it feels easy, your whole life will be in the bin because it will never happen.

Having the strength to leave is about having a plan and using your courage. It doesn't mean one day it will feel easy, just that you will have support and knowledge and strategies ready. Which you already do. Strength is doing things despite the challenges they pose.

Better to make a plan to get through the challenges than to keep putting it off while you end up more and more damaged. The longer you put it off, the harder it becomes.

You screenshot your Fitbit to prove you were asleep. Jesus fucking Christ.

LTB.

Are you scared he will hurt you if you finish it with him?

Okay so I guess the first thing I need to think about is a plan to put together to be able to refer to once it's ended and to be able to stay strong and courageous with the decision I've made.

I think half my problem is I doubt myself. Like I'm pretty sure I know what's acceptable and what's not but then I'm ground down to think well maybe I'm being over the top with my expectations.

From previous experience with trying to end it with him I find it hard to block and keep him blocked. I don't know why this is such an issue but it just is so I guess if I can get to a point where I can make it clear it's over and block him and keep him blocked and a future without him then I will get definitely winning.

Also from experience when we have ended and I get the time back to myself I start convincing myself that it wasn't so bad and that I was being stupid. I think this links in with the low self confidence.

From CBT I had recently it appears at that stage I go back to what is familiar and what I know rather than moving forward to the unknown. I guess it's more about the strength of staying apart than the actual ending it which is the biggest struggle for me.

Please create a safety plan with the woman from refuge if you haven't already. As everyone has already said he is very abusive. You need a proper plan when you finish the relationship because highly controlling men don't like having their control challenged. What I mean by that is you wanting to live a normal non abusive life, which you should be allowed to do but right now he's stopping you from doing.

@FrancesHaHa

Please create a safety plan with the woman from refuge if you haven't already. As everyone has already said he is very abusive. You need a proper plan when you finish the relationship because highly controlling men don't like having their control challenged. What I mean by that is you wanting to live a normal non abusive life, which you should be allowed to do but right now he's stopping you from doing.

This is a great idea to work on a safety plan with the woman helping you - one that will set out a roadmap of you ending the relationship and keeping it ended, plus also a more immediate safety plan you can activate if he makes you feel unsafe physically for example. The more prepared you are the more likely it is you'll be able to end it for good

Massive red flags get rid right now!!

Have you not been watching Coronation Street?.