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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can a couple move forward after one of them cheats?

38 replies

IAmJustWondering · 10/12/2020 11:41

I am curious. Looking for anecdotes - are some couples able to move forward after one person cheats on the other? Can you ever completely forgive the cheating person for their actions?

Do you agree with the phrase "once a cheat, always a cheat" - or do you think it depends on the situation and circumstances around their cheating?

OP posts:

Ohalrightthen · 10/12/2020 11:44

Are you in a similar situation or just curious?

I wouldn't usually be gatekeeping but this is a really emotive topic and given the fact that MN is often used as a source of inspo for rags like the Mail and the Sun, i think it would be useful for you to give a little extra context before people share their (undoubtedly painful) personal experiences with you.

changedmynameforChristmas · 10/12/2020 11:47

@IAmJustWondering

I am curious. Looking for anecdotes - are some couples able to move forward after one person cheats on the other? Can you ever completely forgive the cheating person for their actions?

Do you agree with the phrase "once a cheat, always a cheat" - or do you think it depends on the situation and circumstances around their cheating?

Do you mean after you have cheated or after you have been found out cheating?

AllTheThingsHeSaid · 10/12/2020 11:53

I tried to forgive him, but it was never going to go away. I think he got a taste of the excitement of the forbidden and that nothing else will ever be quite good enough for him now. If the relationship had problems beforehand, the dynamic changed completely after I found out, and it became a horrible, damaging, abusive hell. Trying to forgive him was the single most unkind act I have ever committed towards myself.

Now I'm out of it, I feel ambivalent towards him, and not really bitter at all. If anything, I pity him a bit, because I know that he will always want more than what he has. That's no way to live. There's a certain loneliness to cheaters than can never really be overcome, I think.

MrsVogon · 10/12/2020 12:07

There are so many threads about this already.

Either you can go forward with complete transparency from the cheating partner and working things out with counselling. OR the alternative is to stay, not talk openly about it, bottle it all up and become resentful, to the point where you need to end it all.

Original poster

IAmJustWondering · 10/12/2020 12:10

@ohalrightthen
Thank you for pointing that out, I'm new to MN so I didn't know about the papers using threads on here for articles like that. That's awful!

I am curious to hear people's thoughts on this. A bit of background: my current long term relationship started due to cheating (they cheated on their ex with me). But as a couple they were very unhappy, and they were destined to split up soon - and they did split up, hence why our relationship went ahead. I don't condone my OH's actions, and I do worry sometimes that if 'once a cheat, always a cheat' is true then he might cheat on me in the future if he became unhappy (No sign of that atm). But, that being said, I do feel that my situation is different to, for example, a situation where someone is cheating but genuinely expecting the person you're in a relationship with to still be there for them at the end of it all.

I know beliefs about this vary from person to person so I'm curious to see what other people's experiences have been when being cheated on - or when cheating on someone else.

OP posts:

changedmynameforChristmas · 10/12/2020 12:16

I would not want to form a relationship with a cheat no matter how toxic or sad his present relationship was.

Dontbeme · 10/12/2020 12:25

You are asking the wrong question OP. You know what your DP is capable of doing to someone that he is in a relationship with, you know that he is capable of justifying it, the only unknown is can you be with him knowing all that? Can you be at ease, comfortable and trusting in a relationship with that kind of person?

snookercue · 10/12/2020 12:34

Does it matter? He cheated with you and you were happy for that to happen, so long as you got him in the end, eh?

snookercue · 10/12/2020 12:35

And when I say does it matter I mean why do you care? It isn't going to change you morally no matter what anyone says.

Upstartcrones · 10/12/2020 12:36

I know someone who was exactly in the same situation as the one you described OP. The sad truth is he is already cheating and is doing hookups via Tinder. He's doing this whilst telling everyone the OW is now his girlfriend.

WB205020 · 10/12/2020 12:37

He cheated on his ex to get with you. He told you there were problems but you don't really know that for sure. You maybe happy with him he may not cheat. Then again he did it with his ex so he may do it to you.

Cheating is not necessarily about being happy or respecting or caring about a person enough not to be unfaithful towards them. Cheating i find is more about your moral compass......you either have one and wouldn't cheat or you don't and you would. The rest is semantics.

firecracker69 · 10/12/2020 12:41

Unfortunately, I'm inclined to believe "once a cheat, always a cheat." Some people just have it in them to cheat - it's the natural "go to" for them, as soon as things aren't going their way.

The excuse seems to generally be somehow the woman's fault / lack of intimacy etc. As women enable the cheating tendencies (by beginning a further relationship knowing they've cheated) this simply paves the way for further sleazy patterns, further down the line.

I've come across many men (not just in my own relationships) who have cheated more than once - in different relationships. All have lied and been found out. All went on to cheat again, some multiple times. These liaisons rarely last. It's hard to trust someone knowing they have betrayed someone in the worst possible way.

Gastropod · 10/12/2020 12:47

I think everybody is capable of cheating. Relationships are complicated things, with wildly differing variables - there really is no black and white. People change, and their emotions change; their lives change. People cheat for so many different reasons. I don't think lumping people into "always cheaters" and "never cheaters" is really possible or even helpful. I'm not condoning cheating at all, but I don't think you can apply a blanket statement to that kind of behaviour.

CorianderQueen · 10/12/2020 12:54

Yes, but not all people are capable of forgiveness or of change.

I have experienced being forgiven wholeheartedly and completely and have never done it nor desired to do it again. I punished myself far more than he did me.

Upstartcrones · 10/12/2020 13:06

You obviously did condone your partner's action though, since you were the one he was cheating with. I think you are being somewhat disingenuous there OP.

TirisfalPumpkin · 10/12/2020 13:07

I think having integrity as a person includes having lines you won’t cross in any circumstances. If you’re in a relationship that makes you sad and unfulfilled, end it; don’t cheat.

If cheating is part of a person’s moral universe, they are not someone I want as a partner or a friend, even if they only did it once and felt very very sad about it.

SweatyBetty20 · 10/12/2020 13:10

You can't lump them in together. Everybody's circumstances are different. Many years ago I was the other woman - I was in my early 20s, recently bereaved, and fell into a stupid relationship with my mid-life-crisis , controlling, coercive boss for several years. Nearly 20 years later he's apparently still with his wife - no idea if he's cheated since. I got disowned by my family who never ever forgave me.
I can say categorically that I will never, ever cheat again - I'll never put myself in that situation. Not having my dad speak to me until he was on his death bed taught me a hard lesson.

unmarkedbythat · 10/12/2020 13:11

I don't know. Probably some can. I couldn't. I could happily have a poly relationship but DH could not so we don't, we are monogamous. I couldn't forgive him going outside the agreed boundaries of our relationship, I don't think. I am 99.99% certain he would not tolerate or forgive me doing it either.

Faith50 · 10/12/2020 13:45

I was only able to move forward after I too had been unfaithful. I tried to forgive and it ate away at me. I tried to accept but could not.

I now know I am capable. Trauma, hopelessness and utter despair made me vulnerable to OM but I take full responsibility for my actions. I am no longer in the awful pain I tried desperately to escape day after day. Dh is concerned I will leave him at any point now he knows I have stepped outside of the marriage.

EpochTime · 10/12/2020 15:23

I don't think 'once a cheat, always a cheat' because we all change with time. For instance, some people may become more ethically-minded with age yet they may have had a wild time cheating on all and sundry when they were younger. To flip that, someone who has been a faithful partner might - perhaps through bad relationships - become more promiscuous and cheat as a result.
What were the precise reasons he gave to you for seeing you whilst he was technically still in a relationship with her? I do always think that an ethical person would wait until the present relationship is over before dating a new person, but I know that there are exceptions to this (e.g. abusive relationships).

EpochTime · 10/12/2020 15:32

With regard to those couples who try to retain their relationship when one of them has betrayed the other, I think that betrayal causes a shift in reality for the one who has been betrayed. This shift precludes the survival of what was their relationship. So, such couples move forward in some new, altered relationship. It's very sad, though, that the betrayed does not get the space to grieve the loss of the previous relationship.

Shetoshe · 10/12/2020 19:38

I've been your OH in this scenario. No it's not always a case of "once a cheat", however I believe it often is. In my situation though I did cheat on my long term partner with my now husband but I have never and would never cheat again. It was obviously morally wrong. I ended the affair and ended the relationship and was single for about six months before I got back together with my now husband.

I was wracked with guilt about the situation and was a coward not to end my LTR before I started seeing someone else. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and I look back now years later and still feel deep shame and wonder how on earth I did that to him. It was cruel, selfish despicable behaviour. I would never even consider cheating again. Particularly because there's marriage/children involved. Not that I'm using it as an excuse but the previous relationship - while very longterm - it was mostly long distance, we had no real shared commitments and we were in our twenties.

I do think as cheaters go I'm in the minority though, most would do it again I reckon.

Fudgsicles · 10/12/2020 19:48

You'll probably be vilified for admitting that OP. Cheats/OM/OW are akin to abuse on here at times.

I don't believe once a cheat, always a cheat. I believe relationships are complex and many people stay in them even though they know it isn't right for them/are unhappy. Then OM/OW comes along and gives them the push they needed. I don't believe that many happy relationships include infidelity. I think there will be underlying issues for maybe a few exceptions.

I know women who have cheated and their reasons why. The reasons were valid and all the relationships ended very soon after the cheating, highlighting how wrong those relationships were. They have not cheated in every relationship however.

DP's situation was similar to your DP's. I know how bad his relationship was due to the reaction of everyone around him when he told them about me and told them he had finally left his ex. I don't believe he will cheat on me for a second for many reasons, none of which I'm sharing here.

Maze76 · 10/12/2020 22:21

If your ‘DP’ was so unhappy in his relationship then the decent thing to have done was to have ended it before pursuing you. If he had done that, if he had behaved decently, then you wouldn’t be questioning whether further down the line, he could do it to you. I don’t know if once a cheat always a cheat is true, no one does- but the odds are not in your favour.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 11/12/2020 01:57

What is it they say - you lose them how you found them ?

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