Can a couple move forward after one of them cheats?

[IAmJustWondering]

I am curious. Looking for anecdotes - are some couples able to move forward after one person cheats on the other? Can you ever completely forgive the cheating person for their actions?

Do you agree with the phrase "once a cheat, always a cheat" - or do you think it depends on the situation and circumstances around their cheating?

I kind of agree than anyone is capable of cheating, what I believe though is the length of time you cheat for is important in determining how much of an arsehole you are. Say you cheat for less than a week ... Then you are not an arsehole ( if you then end the primary relationship, it's unpleasant but it's life), more than two months, then you are pathetic and I wouldn't trust you or want you in my life. I read stories on here of people who cheat for years, and I get angry. How dare someone steal their partners life like that?

I have never cheated, I have never been cheated on. But I have been affected by family members/friends cheating.

As pp stated I think sometimes the length of time involved may have some bearing? I read an article once that mentioned some time frames ie. relationships that had started as an affair, but when the partner ended their previous primary relationship within the first 3mths were statistically more likely to succeed vs say a 5yr affair. But I'd guess 'no shit?!' lying to your original partner for a sustained length of time is not emotionally healthy for anyone involved. The levels of deceit that come with that does not a good person make. Plus throw in the age old excuses of 'I need to stay for the kids, to not hurt my partner, the dog might be upset 🙄', then it's clearly all just a bullshit whitewash for cake eating.

No

I don't condone my OH's actions?

And about your actions? You were the OW and complicit in the affair. You've put all the blame on him and minimised his relationship with his previous partner to make yourself feel better?

No I don't think people can change. It takes people with loose moral fibre to cheat and that includes the other party (ie you). One might say it was karma to be honest

But as a couple they were very unhappy EVERY cheat tells the other woman/man this! It's a variation on "my wife doesn't understaaaaand me"

What proof do you have that this was his first and only time cheating? If any? Have you met any of his exes?

Also WHY was it "unhappy"? Because it takes two to make a relationship successful but can take only one to wreck it! New baby in the picture? Wife just been promoted? What is he like as a partner now? Does he pull his weight with household chores and admin etc?

I've never met anyone man or woman who's only cheated once including but not only my ex.

Cheating is a cop out. People change and fall out of love etc but the decent, moral and honest thing to do is to end that relationship first.

I'm also of the opinion that other men/women are as responsible and guilty as the cheating person if they know the cheating person is in a committed relationship. Not a popular opinion on mn but really? It's not hard to NOT kiss/sleep with someone you know isn't free! I certainly manage it as many others do.

Got caught out in my younger days with a holiday romance who it transpired was recently married - this was in the days before internet let alone social media available to do "background checks" very little excuse these days.

No, because when you know someone can cheat there will always be a wee niggly doubt.

Thanks for your responses, it's interesting to see the difference in opinions. I was genuinely curious.

It doesn't make it OK, but when I was the 'OW' and he cheated on his exgf with me, we were all just teenagers and their relationship had already 'fizzled out' and had moved to long distance, the overlap was a couple of months until he next saw her. It is still not OK, I know, and I feel guilty about it obv, but it was half a dozen years ago now and imho cheating is on a sliding scale of despicableness, always a terrible thing but not every situation is as terrible as the other. I would say the circumstances in me being the OW was far less awful than him cheating on, say, a LT gf/bf or spouse if everyone was an adult. I know not everyone would agree with me on that tho. I don't think I agree with "once a cheat always a cheat" and like prev commenter I think people change - especially when growing up, figuring yourself out, and moving from teenagehood to adulthood. But I was curious of other people's thoughts on the matter as I know on MN I've seen a lot of people lump cheaters all in the same group.

always a terrible thing but not every situation is as terrible as the other that's really just rationalising and justification though isn't it? Splitting hairs?

Certainly I was cheated on as a teen and it still bloody hurt!

It is still not OK, I know, and I feel guilty about it obv, but it was half a dozen years ago now

So if all is hunky dory now and everyone has grown and learned, why the thread OP, what has been niggling in the back of your mind? Because something brought you here to start a thread on this.

My ex cheated on me with my best friend over 10 years ago. He stupidly forgot he had given me his password to his FB account asked me to check something and I saw messages of them talking about their nights together. At the time I gave him another chance, but to this day I have still never spoken to my best friend.
Looking back now after seeing this post I realise it was never going to work. I just couldn't trust him or relax any time he went out without me or had his phone I would question it.

Now I'm with someone else who used to cheat all the time (in his previous relationships and I was not the other woman). We are married now and I have never thought twice about what he is doing etc or who he is talking to. We have a really open relationship and considering I have been cheated on in the past it doesnt cross my mind now.

@Maze76

If your ‘DP’ was so unhappy in his relationship then the decent thing to have done was to have ended it before pursuing you. If he had done that, if he had behaved decently, then you wouldn’t be questioning whether further down the line, he could do it to you. I don’t know if once a cheat always a cheat is true, no one does- but the odds are not in your favour.

This.

If in a couple, one of them cheats, then no I do not believe the relationship can continue or move forward. I’ve read about partners who forgive and they try to keep the relationship, but they always sound unhappy and to me, that is not a good relationship.

If someone has ever cheated, then that does not mean they will cheat in every future relationship they have. Cheating is a symptom of an unhappy relationship. No one is cursed to always have unhappy relationships. So just because they have cheated in the past, doesn’t mean they will cheat on a new partner.

Cheating is such an awful thing to do to someone and the toxic dynamic in my family growing up was testament to the wide-reaching and devastating effects it can have. BUT yes I agree with you that not every situation is as terrible as the next. Someone who cheats on their wife and 3 young kids, gaslights her to fuck and then runs off with the OW eventually - THIS is despicable and no, I don't think these kind of people ever really change. But what you described is two teenagers who weren't mature enough to end a relationship that was clearly on its knees, and your boyfriend took the easy way out and started up with you before he found the backbone to end it with her. Not very nice behaviour at all and I'm sure he caused a lot of heartache, but I don't think it means he's a terrible person and never to be trusted. Hopefully he's grown up a lot since then. I think a lot of us probably did things in our teens that we wouldn't dream of now.

Being a bit of a twat when you're a teenager is really not comparable to betraying a person you've built a life with, made serious commitments to, and possibly even started a family with. It's actually quite distasteful and insulting that people would equate the two.