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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Taking a 2yo on random Tinder date, not ok???

30 replies

DocBob · 09/12/2020 23:48

So I have been in living hell for 3 years with massive amounts of emotional (and some physical) abuse from my partner, she was also aggressive to your baby (now 2). She has BPD/EUPD and I reached out to social services for help, but they did not do anything more than sending a kid over to your house and close the file.

So about 2 months ago I went and stayed with my parents and took the baby for around 10 days using covid as an excuse (GF was symptomatic) and my plan was to make my exit then. When I returned I found that she was 100% a different person, I was allowed to go out to the shops, she let me talk to my friends and stopped accusing me of cheating all the time.

Anyway, I have come to know that she has been going out on tinder dates. I can't say I am surprised because as you know the people that accuse you of cheating are normally the ones at it themself.

I found out she took our 2yo baby on a second date with one of the guys. I just can’t even start to imagine why someone would take such a risk with such a small child.

It’s a shame because I thought she had really changed; she has been such a lovely person for the last 4 or 5 weeks.

She does not know I know yet, I just need to carefully plan my next steps, but I think this will give me the push I needed.

Is taking a small child on a random date as bad as I think it is or am I overthinking it?

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 09/12/2020 23:53

It's absolutely disgusting.

I would definitely leave with your child and give them a safe and stable home.

Opentooffers · 09/12/2020 23:57

Yes, clearly it's not the thing to do, and I'd be surprised if she gets a 3rd date after that Hmm

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/12/2020 00:41

Absolutely disgusting of her, ugh.

RayOfSunshine2013 · 10/12/2020 04:40

Yeah i wouldn't be impressed with that. I dated someone for about 4 months before i even introduced mine to my child as a ‘friend’ for a walk in the park

Lozzerbmc · 10/12/2020 07:51

Thats shocking - she wont “change”. You should make a new life for yourself and your child,.

Lovelydiscusfish · 10/12/2020 08:03

It’s bad but not the only bad thing about her - she sounds awful! You need to get out! Good luck. X

Lovelydiscusfish · 10/12/2020 08:05

I mean, I don’t know if taking the child on the date was a “risk” as such. It depends where the date took place. If it was in a public place and she didn’t leave the man alone with the child I don’t think it’s risky as such. Just fucking weird and distasteful. But in general she sounds like a shit.

Whydidimarryhim · 10/12/2020 08:27

Can I clarify how was she abusive to the baby?
You need to report this incident to the police.
She will be very damaging to the child as a full time parent - even part time - given how damaged she is.
She cannot change without professional help.
She needs therapy.
She needs to take meds as prescribed.
You will ruin the child’s life if you do not seek intervention.
If she assaulted you or the child - if she screams and shouts at you or the child -/ report this - please.

Marmozet · 10/12/2020 08:29

Wtf have I just read!? No it isn't normal in the slightest and you need to leave ASAP.

Original poster
DocBob · 10/12/2020 13:25

@Whydidimarryhim

Can I clarify how was she abusive to the baby? You need to report this incident to the police. She will be very damaging to the child as a full time parent - even part time - given how damaged she is. She cannot change without professional help. She needs therapy. She needs to take meds as prescribed. You will ruin the child’s life if you do not seek intervention. If she assaulted you or the child - if she screams and shouts at you or the child -/ report this - please.
She is much better with the baby now because we only has to care for the baby by her self for 2 days a week as I only work Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Friday the baby is in nursery and often on the weekends the baby is with my parents of my partner is at work.

She has in the past thrown a Tambourine at the baby out of frustration, pushed her over, grabbed her face abs screened in the babies face, when she was very small ( couple of months old) she had been hitting the babies car seat (while baby was on the seat) because she would not stop crying, at one point she thought the baby was possessed. When the baby was first born I once had to leave work because on a hot summer day she had got drunk in a beer garden and the baby was with her and I found the baby very dehydrated.

She has had therapy which has helped, she is on meds now.
She is a completely different person now other than affairs I have just found out about she has been a normal functional individual for at least 4 weeks now.

I could probably even live with the cheating, it’s not right but it is what it is. I just can’t fathom how she can take the baby along with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
DocBob · 10/12/2020 13:29

Sorry I just saw I made lots of typos and I can’t seem to edit them.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 10/12/2020 13:31

Its good that she is getting some help but really you can never trust her or trust her with with your child if she has been abusive in the past.

purplechairandcat · 10/12/2020 13:37

Did she make her abusive behaviour towards you and baby known to her therapist? Because even if things have started to change (although if she's taking the baby on dates then obviously they haven't, that's awful safeguarding), someone still needs to know

Original poster
DocBob · 10/12/2020 13:42

She only had Emotional coping skills group therapy. She declined further therapy so that don’t know.

She is a nurse and you would never think her capable when you first meet her.

OP posts:
jojogoesbust · 10/12/2020 13:43

You seem more concerned about taking the child on a date than the abuse she has shown in the past.

You need to leave and take the child with you, this child needs safeguarding

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/12/2020 13:50

I'm praying this is a wind up but fear it is not :(

You need to leave asap and take your baby with you. You cannot leave the baby alone with her. You just can't! Experiencing physical and emotional abuse at this age is devastating for a child's emotional and mental development.

Please tell your parents exactly what's been going on. Get legal advice. Move out in secret, WITH the child, and do not allow unsupervised access.

You're saying she's been okay for "at least" 4 weeks, this is shockingly naive. What do you think will happen when a tinder date goes wrong and she's back in a shit mood? She'll ditch her meds and go out of control again.

You are the only person in the house capable of protecting that innocent child. You MUST act. I know it's hard for male victims of domestic abuse to ask for help, but its not just you, there is a 2yo child who needs protecting here.

(Apologies if you are not male, I'm basing that on your username.)

Original poster
DocBob · 10/12/2020 14:18

It’s easier said then done, as a man I can’t just run off with the child. I don’t have much proof of what has happened. It will just seem like a guy trying to get Custody of the child.

I do have a exit plan. I tried so hard to help her over the years. I have done everything to protect the baby.

My employer is going to let me drop to 2 days a week and I will still make 6 figures so I will be able to take care of the little one both in terms of time and Financially.

OP posts:
jojogoesbust · 10/12/2020 14:50

It really wont look like that at all. She is a known mental health patient and you really need to prioritise the safety of this child!

Exit plan is no good when this 2 year old potentially gets abused when you aren't around, if these things have been what you have witnessed, imagine what you don't see.
You are making excuses, and are in a better position than most with your 6 figure salary!

Original poster
DocBob · 10/12/2020 15:19

Yes I know.
And Just to be clear I was not boasting about my income.

It was just for context in that I have my s* Together And a very strong support network to go to along with it.

OP posts:
MRC20 · 10/12/2020 15:28

You need to remove your child from contact with this woman immediately. Taking her on a tinder date is not ok but the verbal and physical abuse is inexcusable. If you don't act quickly SS may well do and you could lose her for allowing this to happen.

SecretRedhead · 11/12/2020 08:12

You've accepted both verbal and physical abuse from him in the past, towards both you and your newborn/toddler. But taking the child on a tinder date is where she's crossed the line? You seriously need to rethink your priorities. You should have left ages ago. Stop wasting time.

Teaanddimebars · 12/12/2020 22:32

Use your income to pay for a good lawyer. Straight away.

Teaanddimebars · 12/12/2020 22:36

But don’t feel bad about not having left yet or told you are making excuses - when women are in abusive relationships they are not chastised for “not leaving sooner” (or shouldn’t be anyway) as it’s understood that psychological abuse can weaken someone’s sense of reality and self esteem and make it very hard to see a way out. So Rumors combined with a real fear of losing custody of the child and being less able to protect them. Well done for posting and keep being honest and asking for support.

Teaanddimebars · 12/12/2020 22:36

*combined, not “rumoured”

FlatulentSproutEater · 12/12/2020 22:36

6 figure income for 2 days work? Are you the Queen?