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Original poster

Male friend acting differently round their partner

32 replies

DundeeDiva · 09/12/2020 21:38

I have a good friend from work - he's older than me but really good fun to be around and very loyal. He's been with his partner (who he met at work) for several years now - they have a serious relationship but chosen not to live together as like their own space. They spend half the week together though.

When he's not with his partner, he regularly calls for chats, sometimes invites me round for a cup of tea after work. It is 100% platonic - we never go out drinking or for dinner, nothing that would verge into date territory.

However when his partner is there, he is paranoid about calling me or receiving calls. It can only be texts. During work hours if I need to call him about something I have to make it clear its work related or he won't answer the call. His tone when he answers these calls is so different too but if I were to call him about work when she wasn't there, he'd be different.

He sometimes calls quickly in what he calls a "window of opportunity". Usually when he's walking to the shops or she's popped out.

This terminology makes me feel very uncomfortable and like I'm the other woman when I'm not. I feel like some shameful secret when all we are is friends. I've alluded to this with him and he skirts around it - I think he's embarrassed.

I really value his friendship but I don't want to get caught in the middle of something if she were ever to find out we talk or I pop round for tea. I don't want that drama but he always has my back and is a really uplifting person to be around.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2020 21:43

It sounds to me as though as doesn't have the healthiest of relationships with his partner. Ultimately this is his problem so I would just continue on with your friendship if you are comfortable to do so. You're not doing anything wrong and this is his issue to deal with.

YouShouldLeave · 09/12/2020 21:47

Are you sure that he believes you two are a fully platonic, just friends- friends?

seensome · 09/12/2020 21:47

Perhaps he fancies you and trying on the friendship first to see if it leads to anything further? He feels guilty having you around because he hasn't told his gf how close you are so he acts shifty when she is around.
Perhaps you could all have tea together then no awkwardness.

TwentyViginti · 09/12/2020 21:51

Would he be as secretive about you if you were male? He seems to be treating you as an affair partner but without the sex! maybe he enjoys the thrill of hiding his friendship with you from her.

category12 · 09/12/2020 21:55

You need to stop the phone calls and going over for chats.

He's obviously doing it behind his partner's back, so whether there's nothing in it for you or for him, you need to stop going along with it. Why aren't you calling him out on it? Why are you being his secret and playing along with his rules about contact?

Either there's nothing to it and it can all be in the open, or not. And as it's not, then you're complicit. Doesn't matter if you're not shagging him.

Your "friendship" is better kept to work-hours and you need to stop the rest of it.

Original poster
DundeeDiva · 09/12/2020 21:56

I'm fairly sure he does see it as platonic because when I had a break up in summer he was at great pains to clarify that any invites for a brew etc were "just as friends" to the point where I had to tell him I wasn't going to jump him just because I was single and to pack it in.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/12/2020 21:58

Doesn't matter, he's acting shady and you're going along with it.

Closetbeanmuncher · 09/12/2020 21:59

It sounds as if the relationship may be controlling.

If he holds no romantic or sexual interest in you I don't understand why he wouldn't just introduce you to her.

She's either controlling and jealous or he wants to get in your pants.

seensome · 09/12/2020 22:02

If he's hoping for more than friendship he wouldn't be open about it if he's not sure how you feel, he might think because you're friendly then you might come around to being his bit on the side.
I think if he had better intentions then he wouldn't need to be discreet and welcome you round to see them both.

Original poster
DundeeDiva · 09/12/2020 22:04

@closetbeanmuncher

This is what I've wondered. Once he called me about something (don't recall what) and he said he'd better go as he was at hers and she'd be asking why he was on the phone for 5 mins when he was only supposed to making a 2 min call!

OP posts:
Wanderdust · 09/12/2020 22:06

I agree with others that think he's either embarrassed or nervous over how his partner would react (whether it's warranted to not) - some people just aren't comfortable with their partner having friendships with the opposite sex. My ex was like that but thankfully my hubby and I are both very open about our friendships with the opposite sex.

Could it also be possible that it's not a big deal but, because he's left it so long to mention you to his partner, that it's somehow now awkward to admit he has a female friend and it's just snowballed? That's kinda happened to me before but again it was because my ex was the jealous type so I decided to play down my (purely platonic) friendships with male workmates.

Not sure what else you can do apart from calling him out about it again, and letting him know it makes you feel weird?

pictish · 09/12/2020 22:07

Going by the posts you read on here, men being friends with a female colleague is an absolute no no.
There are regular posts from the long term partner’s point of view whereby she expresses dislike for the friendship and Mumsnet generally tell her she is nbu and to make him knock that shit on the head without delay. Or leave the bastard.

So you know...maybe she’s a mumsnetter.

hennersley · 09/12/2020 22:10

Sounds to me like his partner has expressed her jealousy and disapproval over your friendship and he's trying to avoid the hassle. Not nice that he's making it so clear to you though as it puts you in an awkward position

Muckish · 09/12/2020 22:13

He sounds as if he has no concept of men and women being platonic friends if he seems to have this weirdly sexualised view of your friendship. I have a couple of close male friends, both older, both married (as am I), with whom I often go out for a drink or dinner without any fear that someone, including their wives or my DH, will misunderstand.

BigFatLiar · 09/12/2020 22:14

Perhaps his partner is a mumsnetter who believes that if her partner so much as speaks to another woman he must be shagging her. He may be fully committed to her but in a controlling relationship where he fears she'll fly off the handle if he isn't doing as she wants.

He should either end your friendship if he doesn't think she'll approve or end the relationship if he doesn't want to be controlled.

Woohoowoowoo · 09/12/2020 22:16

I would step back from the friendship and keep it strictly work. Regardless of what your intentions are, his intentions are or what the current dynamic is with his relationship, this is probably going to end badly and you will be caught up in mud slinging shit show not of your own making.

OverTheRubicon · 09/12/2020 22:16

Back right off. Either he is seeing this as something on the side (or with potential to be) or he has a very controlling partner who presumably either still works with you or at least will know lots of people in your workplace, and has massive potential to cause trouble for you right now.

TheLadyGrayson · 09/12/2020 22:28

I think maybe you should take a step back from the friendship. I had a colleague who I thought was a good mate, but when his other half called him during lunch and he acknowledged he was with a male colleague but didn’t mention me, I realised something wasn’t right. Whether it’s her problem or his, it’s certainly not worth your brain time.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/12/2020 22:50

He's making it inappropriate by making you complicit in sort of sneaking around when there's nothing to hide anyway.

I would think less of him for being like that if I was you, it's like he's making it a bigger deal than it needs to be!

I would be backing off because life's too short to be in the middle of someone else's relationship dramas.

Just chat at work and don't do popping over or the calls where he squeezes you in as if it's a military op or makes you be overly formal.

Wauden · 09/12/2020 22:50

It's good that you have had The Talk and it's clear that you both meant it or he would have made a pass when you were at his place.

This happened to me! Male friend at work, would chat in the office kitchen , then when a younger woman came in, he would blank me. We were definitely not interested in each other, no spark at all, but were friends, had lunch and so on.

I interpreted this as the man not wanting to put the other woman off him. But it is insensitive to you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/12/2020 22:50

@TheLadyGrayson

I think maybe you should take a step back from the friendship. I had a colleague who I thought was a good mate, but when his other half called him during lunch and he acknowledged he was with a male colleague but didn’t mention me, I realised something wasn’t right. Whether it’s her problem or his, it’s certainly not worth your brain time.
This poster said what I said far more succinctly - exactly this.
TheLadyGrayson · 09/12/2020 22:52

Thank you @youvegottenminuteslynn 😁

Onthedunes · 10/12/2020 01:18

Really you have to think about this from his partners side.

If you had a serious partner of several years would you appreciate him popping round to another womans house for tea and comfort after work.

Calls and texts behind your back, of course not, you are a secret and that is not pleasant for her.

Phone her up and tell her you often go to his house let her have the option of having male friends just as he has secret female friends.

Now that's much fairer.
She too can be uplifted by her new male friends.

MyMajesty · 10/12/2020 01:24

Why is he like this? Who cares.

What should you do? Stick to a work relationship - with friendly chats happening at work only.

Onthedunes · 10/12/2020 14:25

@DundeeDiva

I'm fairly sure he does see it as platonic because when I had a break up in summer he was at great pains to clarify that any invites for a brew etc were "just as friends" to the point where I had to tell him I wasn't going to jump him just because I was single and to pack it in.
That...

You would not have had that conversation if his partner had been in the same room, this friendship has crossed boundaries.
Platonic male/female friendships do not discus getting jumped on.