Male friend acting differently round their partner

[DundeeDiva]

I have a good friend from work - he's older than me but really good fun to be around and very loyal. He's been with his partner (who he met at work) for several years now - they have a serious relationship but chosen not to live together as like their own space. They spend half the week together though.

When he's not with his partner, he regularly calls for chats, sometimes invites me round for a cup of tea after work. It is 100% platonic - we never go out drinking or for dinner, nothing that would verge into date territory.

However when his partner is there, he is paranoid about calling me or receiving calls. It can only be texts. During work hours if I need to call him about something I have to make it clear its work related or he won't answer the call. His tone when he answers these calls is so different too but if I were to call him about work when she wasn't there, he'd be different.

He sometimes calls quickly in what he calls a "window of opportunity". Usually when he's walking to the shops or she's popped out.

This terminology makes me feel very uncomfortable and like I'm the other woman when I'm not. I feel like some shameful secret when all we are is friends. I've alluded to this with him and he skirts around it - I think he's embarrassed.

I really value his friendship but I don't want to get caught in the middle of something if she were ever to find out we talk or I pop round for tea. I don't want that drama but he always has my back and is a really uplifting person to be around.

What would you do?

I think his gf may be very controlling and jealous.

Personally I think you really need to tone this friendship down and stop letting him call in during his 'windows of opportunities"
He's being very sneaky for some reason and you are going along with it and shouldn't be getting mixed up in that.

I disagree with the assumption that his partner might be controlling. If he is so worried about her questioning why a 2 minute conversation lasted 5 minutes then surely he wouldn't be the type to sneakily invite you over for tea, call into yours during his windows of opportunity or be making regular phone calls to you. Why would he put himself in the position where he was alone in the house with another woman if his partner was so controlling? He'd be too nervous to get caught!

If she is suspicious of him then it sounds like she is right to be!

@DundeeDiva

I'm fairly sure he does see it as platonic because when I had a break up in summer he was at great pains to clarify that any invites for a brew etc were "just as friends" to the point where I had to tell him I wasn't going to jump him just because I was single and to pack it in.

He wants in your pants. That was him testing the waters in case she dumps him, or you give him a better offer.

I'd back way the hell off and keep it work-only. It's a shame but the last thing you want is the hassle of being used as an invisible third.

Or maybe invite the both of them over/out for drinks? I've done that before with male colleagues who I get on well with but have partners. In fact twice I've ended up better friends with the wife than the husband!

@category12

Doesn't matter, he's acting shady and you're going along with it.

I agree.

OP, even if his partner is the most controlling, shrewish, harridan on the face of the planet, he should not be keeping his friendship with you a secret from her. Keeping such things secret smacks of compartmentalisation... mums-netters more experienced than I will know that psychological compartmentalisation can be a key factor in facilitating cheating and betrayal.
You don't want to facilitate such behaviour do you?

These sorts of friendships that are kept secret usually have a hidden agenda for at least one of the parties involved.

And both parties, if truth be told would not like it to be reversed back on them.

Op, I'm sure you wouldn't like your future husband popping into someone elses house at the end of the day for a chat.
And your friend is keeping it secret because he knows she would be hurt by this, because HE would be hurt if she did the same thing.

You are an intruder.

I suggest you move along and find a partner who has many female friends, goes to their home, texts, chats and keeps them secret from you.
Oh and then said women can voice their opinions on the internet and villify you for being controlling and jealous, when you find out.

My god the woman doesn't even know you exist and she's being slated on here.

This would make me incredibly irritated and I would call the so-called 'friendship' a day.

You are being manipulated into playing a part rather than being equal friends.

And a friend does not need to drop into conversation that a meeting is 'just as friends' ad nauseum.

He isn't really a friend.

It all sounds pretty insulting and childish. If his problem is a controlling partner, then you aren't helping by playing along with his little private rebellion anyway.

Leave him to it, because - I repeat - he really isn't your friend.

His partner might not be jealous, maybe it’s all the weird secrecy making her feel awkward as well? Partners pick up on these things. Why is it all so secretive?