Eggshells

[Tinyhumansurvivalist]

Dp and I have been together for almost 2 years. Don't live together and semi long distance as he his based in London for work at the moment. He has a stressful job and is quite senior in the company we both work for where as I am essentially lowest of the low in terms of pecking order. This is relevant for later (apologies its long)

Dp is mostly lovely. But he has horrific moods. If he is having a hard time at work, like now, he will find reason to pick a fight with me. If I argue back at him he will ghost me for days and then gaslight to try. He has told me before if he is in that mood to just leave him be, so when it happened recently and he was goading for a row I just told him inwasnt going to argue and I would leave him be til he was ready to talk me. Apparently made me uncaring and a cow and he went off the deep end at me.

Jump to yesterday, he was in a foul mood after someone at work called him a liar and tried to get out of a bollocking by blaming dp. Person is significantly lower grade than dp and had no evidence, he was just trying to get himself out of the shit. Dp was massively pissed off and then starting getting narky with me on the phone because I don't know what I want for Christmas.

So, as a pretty lowly position at work I earn a pretty meagre salary. Dp is on around 50k I think. We don't live together so I have no idea but based on some jobs he showed me when he was job hunting before covid I reckon its around this Mark. He cam afford fancy things, posh brands etc. I can't. I live modestly, I drive a cheap car, have a small house that until I received an inheritance was furnished with second hand of gifted furniture. I buy my clothes from ebay, shoes are usually primark ballet pumps at £3-4 a go. I don't drink or smok and I don't wear perfume.

Dp outrightly stated he doesn't want to have to go shopping so unless he cam get what I want on amazon he doesn't know what to buy me. Told me I needed to decide what I wanted and give him some ideas as he didn't want to buy something I wouldn't like.

Sat last night and had a look round the house, my clothes etc and honestly there isn't anything I want or need. Tried in a very clumsy manner to.explain that I didn't want him wasting his money on a panic buy and I'd rather have nothing and just spend some proper quality time just me and him.

I asked him if that made me a bitch. Apparently, yes it does and now he is ghosting me again.

I am so hurt. I didn't mean to.uoset him. I had an accident on Friday and have been in excruciating pain ever since. I haven't slept more than 2 hours a night, I feel horrific but I am at work full time, dd is a handful as she is excited for Christmas.

I admit the way i phrased things was clumsy and not ideal. But I was trying to explain that I don't need him to buy me anything and actually time spent just me and him was what I wanted. And now it seems he is angry and bitter and not speaking to me.

For full disclosure his dm died on Xmas eve about 15 years ago do Xmas is a crap time for him. His birthday is end of Dec and last year his mum's cat had to be pts and the last one of hers is poorly and looks to also have to be pts this year.

My head says he is struggling with the stress and emotion and just lashing out and i should just ignore it. However my heart is breaking and I'm not sure how much more of this ridiculously childish behaviour I can take.

I should make your Christmas present to yourself breaking up with him. He uses you as an emotional punch-bag - it's not OK.

Admittedly you asking him if it made you a bitch was a bit spoiling for a fight yourself, but I think that's understandable. His ongoing bad behaviour of moodiness, ghosting, gaslighting and picking fights with you for external reasons are all emotionally abusive behaviours.

Do yourself a favour and start the new year single.

I can't even imagine a single reason why you are wasting your time with this abusive prick. Raise your standards and get rid of him. Don't you believe you deserve better than this?

He's a knob
Best christmas present you can give yourself is to dump him

@Tinyhumansurvivalist I agree with the pp that your Christmas gift should be parting ways. You deserve to be treated with respect and stressed or not, you should not be someone else's verbal punching bag.

Don’t end up like me trapped in an unhappy marriage with dc and struggling to walk away because things are more complicated further down the line. 💐

I know you are right @category12 I'm just not sure I am ready for that.

I have the worst track record with men. Exh was an abusive twat. Exdp was the total opposite and couldn't have been more apathetic about me.

DP is lovely when he's not in a mood. And honestly it doesn't happen often...probably 4 times in the 2 years, but all in this year. The stress of lockdowns haven't helped and the industry we work in has thrived during the pandemic and work has been insanely busy and stressful. I know is current behaviour is as a result of other things and he is lashing out and I am the nearest thing to lash out at.

I love him. I can't help it but I don't want it to be over.

Run for the hills.

He will get worse. All of this is emotional abuse. Please, you have a daughter. Don’t subject her to this man in her life. You will teach her all the wrong things about relationships.

@DigitalChristmas I know. Dd's dad and I should have split up before she was born but we slogged it out a few years by which time it was awfully complicated.

I am upset and focusing on the negative so probably not giving a fair picture of him.

He isnt "abusive" (been there know the signs) and would be devastated if I showed him this thread. He is however emotionally stunted. His dad walked out when he was 4, his previous gf and their baby were killed in a horrific car accident and his mum then refused all treatment for her cancer and just gave up. He is damaged in so many ways and has been alone for so long that he is still learning about how to be in a relationship I think.

I know I sound like I am.making excuses for his behaviour and to a point I am, but he is normally a lovely guy. He's kind, generous...his current grump at me is because he equates showing how much he loves someone with the elaborateness of a gift. I am completely opposite to that. I prefer quiet sedate understated things.

Maybe we are just too different

It's nothing to do with stress. It's happened this year as he feels he has you where he wants you. No need to reel it in or treat you respectfully as he thinks you'll put up with his mood swings and being used as a punch bag.
He will only get worse. Love isn't enough. Get rid.

He uses you as a verbal punching bag for stress relief. That isn't non-abusive.
It's not the worst end of the scale but it's still not acceptable.

I get that you love him, really I do and it's so much easier for me and other pp's to say leave than it is for you to do.

However, he is treating you like a verbal punch bag as others have already said. The traits you describe - silent treatment, gaslighting, changing the rules as it suits him ('just leave me get on with my bad mood' 'you're an uncaring person for leaving me to get on with my bad mood') and expecting you to make huge exceptions for him because of sad things in the past, are all deeply ingrained behaviours that will likely only get worse over time. You're not even living with him and he's being a prick of the first order. Multiple red flags are flying.

You can try to address it - you can state very firmly your boundaries particularly around the verbal attacks and the shitty follow on treatment. You can ask him to really think about how he his bad moods get triggered and to work on managing that without treating you like crap. But ultimately that will only work if you're willing to take an incredibly hard line when he behaves badly.

Instead of make a decision right now, maybe take some time to work on your feelings about yourself. What's going on for you that you will tolerate and excuse this behaviour? What was your parents relationship like? What did you learn about the role of women in a relationship when you were growing up? Why is it that you ask for a really nice thing - just to have time together and yet feel that you've done something wrong, need to be more supportive, more understanding etc. etc?

I suspect that if you start to really look at this stuff you'll start to lose patience with your man child and splitting up will feel a whole lot easier.

It is not your job to fix him. Only he can do that. Walk away you deserve better and so does your daughter.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Your poor relationship history with men continues with this man who as the other posters have stated is indeed abusive towards you. It’s already over because of the abuse he meets out towards you and in turn your child.

You are likely to also be confusing love with codependency.

@Madamswearsalot I think you have probably hit the nail on the head.

My parents relationship was massively dysfunctional. Dad is a sober alcoholic and mum denies everything. And I have always been made to feel guilty for not tolerating his behaviour. Dad was hugely abusive to me as a child, emotionally mostly but occasionally physically. Mum defended it, always found a way for it to be my fault. He walked put with only a care for my sister when I was 6 and I guess inhave spent a lifetime desperate to prove myself worthy.

Dad nearly caused my death when I was in my 20's and even that was my fault. Mum went from wanting to divorce him to being angry at me for not accepting the "I'm sorry I shouted" apology.

I am deeply conditioned to forgive and move on i guess.

Dp has been amazing in other ways. My relationship with my sister is hugely toxic. She is evil to me and dp has helped me find the strength to not be a doormat and stand up for myself and finally go nc with her. He is my biggest champion and has jumped to my defence when my mum or dad have been vile. No one has ever done that for me...ever. but he is broken in ways I am not sure he can fix on his own. And I desperately love him.

He doesn't shout or call me names other than when I may have inadvertently goaded him into it. He isn't violent. He just has a really poor reaction to stress and he literally has no one at all in his life. I am not ready to admit defeat. Not yet.

I love you all for the support and for the tears of realisation and finally admitting to myself why I am like I am.

He doesn't shout or call me names other than when I may have inadvertently goaded him into it.

OP my DP has never shouted or called me names in the 20+ years we've been together. You deserve so much better.

You may not think so but you ARE making excuses for him and are likely drawn to him because of your needs yet at the same times he's not really helping. You had an accident and are in pain? That's enough for most people to be extra nice and realise perhaps not the best time to go off on one about Christmas bloody presents. You have your home. Stay there and don't let him in. Please

Only he can fix himself. As a previous poster mentioned, are you mistaking co-dependency for love.
Be aware too that by standing by the verbal attacks you could end up enabling him. You put up with it, so why not the rest of the world? Less onus on him to deal with his demons if they have someone to hide behind.
The fallen victim narrative can be very powerful. I wish you well op but I think you need to walk away.

I just want to quote this from the sticky thread: Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

You know that gaslighting, the silent treatment etc are emotionally abusive behaviours.
You come from a background that has set you up to tolerate abusive behaviours.
You know the way he behaves towards you is wrong.
And the "I may have inadvertently goaded him into it" is classic self-blame.

You have a daughter - you need to break this pattern of abusive relationships for her as much as yourself, otherwise you will set her up to accept behaviour like this from future partners. How could you ever move this relationship forward into living together or anything when he behaves like this? You can't and you shouldn't.

Your shark cage is broken and that's not your fault, but you need to do the work on it now, for her and yourself.

Goodness he sounds like really hard work and an utter pain in the arse. Why are you even with him?

He isn't violent.

He is emotionally violent.

Your DD has had you, her Mum, subjugated by her Dad, her grandparents, her aunt and her Mums BF. Your DD needs a calm and peaceful home with a gentle, attentive, positive and focused Mum. She doesn’t need an anxious, confused, unsettled Mum - preoccupied and hyper alert worried that she is going to say the wrong thing to a boyfriend.

Focus on your personal emotional regrowth to ensure the best outcome for you and your DD. You have both been through enough and you need to reset and repair without this character polluting her childhood by sabotaging you.

He has had significant losses in his life but it’s his responsibility to seek support for any unresolved trauma. Not sure if it you or him coming up with the excuses of his mother’s death 15 years ago and her cats - but that is shockingly lame.

These are all things I told myself before I left. He is punishing you to make himself feel better, he's using words now but what happens when words aren't enough? I often think of it as someone who sets their partner on fire to keep themselves warm. They feel the benefit but it utterly destroys you. Discuss it with him, if he dismisses your feelings, walk away. He can only save himself and he'll never take that step if you make yourself available to be used in this way.

What about your dd in all of this? She is being damaged by your poor relationships

Get rid. It's inevitable it will happen eventually. Save wasted time and do it now. He sounds like a right laugh. NOT!

Are you still there, op?

I know it's not what you want to hear, but I'd like to point out also that encouraging you to go no contact with your family members plays into the classic abuser move of isolating the partner. Now in your case, no contact etc is probably the best thing, but him being your hero in this respect doesn't mean it isn't convenient for him, nor that he isn't abusive himself.

Also, you have all this trauma yourself, but are you using him as an emotional punchbag, ghosting him, using any bit of stress as an excuse to be unkind to someone who loves you? You are not. Why does he get special dispensation to treat you like shit?

Love is an action, it's not saying it and treating you like he hates you.

You need to centre yourself and your daughter as the important people here.

He's a full grown adult man, who may have had a hard life, but so do lots of people. It's not your job to "fix" him. You need to "fix" your own self if anyone. Your energies should be going on making a happy life for your dd, on dealing with your own trauma and history, not on propping up an adult who treats you as his scapegoat.

You're in another abusive relationship, abuse isn't just violence, it's emotional abuse too.
All this silent treatment and name calling is not ok. It doesn't matter how often he's nice if any percent of the time he isn't.

Would you drink some tea with just 10% poison in it?