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Relationships

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Original poster

Can you really have a normal, healthy friendship with someone who has way more money than you?

42 replies

skintoid · 21/10/2007 21:33

Because I am struggling.

OP posts:

charliecat · 21/10/2007 21:37

what are you struggling with?

TinyGang · 21/10/2007 21:37

Well i'd like to say yes. But in reality, if you're talking about 'way' more money you are bound to be poles apart in having different priorities where money is concerned.

smallwhitecat · 21/10/2007 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TotalChaos · 21/10/2007 21:39

depends if they 1)rub your noses in it or 2)want you to join in activities you can't afford.

screamsprout · 21/10/2007 21:42

This is interesting as I saw two friends today and was musing on this. Neither of them have ever worked but one has rich parents and one has a rich husband. They regularly go on holidays I can't even contemplate, live in huge houses in expensive areas etc. i get on really, really well with one of them in particular but sometimes the money thing is odd. It is another world and can't help but feel a touch envious sometimes that we work so hard and have so little to show for it! That said, I really am not a money is everything type of person but popping off to New York would be nice, just sometimes.....

Original poster

skintoid · 21/10/2007 21:43

Have to be careful what I type. Might be noticed on here IYKWIM.

Just HUGE differences in lifestyle. Seeing them morph into people who are desperate to keep up with the in crowd.

OP posts:

bodycolder · 21/10/2007 21:43

My oldest best friend is a lot wealthier than me.We don't really discuss it tbh and she is still the same mad loony I have always loved just with more cash and stuff and she has a lot of holidays.She has a terrible time with her rich dh though and they have recently split and she really would love a relationship like mine although not sure she could cope financially Things are not always what they seem friendship transcends money imo if it is true

mrsmerton · 21/10/2007 21:44

This is sooo interesting as I have a friendship with a lovely girl who has just moved into a house costing , ahem, £3m.

She has NEVER rubbed my nose in it, or boasted, infact she can't believe she lives there. BUT I always feel there is a 'barrier' between us, but it comes from me feeling inadequate rather than her making me feel like that.

Me and dh don't go out for dinner with them, their wealthy friends do. We don't go away with them, their wealthy friends do.

I feel I am like a 'court jester' who is called on to make her happy and laugh. But I stress, that ALL comes from me, and not her. My whole house could fit in her hall.

TrickORTripletEm · 21/10/2007 21:46

I would say yes If you feel confident in yourself and you know your limitations money wise and are not afraid to say to your friend I can't afford it,I don't see why not...unless the friend is making you feel uncomfortable and that your friendship is a competition.
I live on a low income,my DH works I am a SAHM,on a council estate.
I have lots of friends from all walks of life,but one of them is a retired Dr.
He built his own house,has horses,a boat the works. We get on really well. Money dosen't come into it,he dosen't feel the need to impress me and I don't try to live up to his lifestyle.We are what we are and that's why our friendship works.

foxinsocks · 21/10/2007 21:54

yes

brandnewpumpkin · 21/10/2007 21:56

Sounds like it's the fact that the money might have changed her, rather than the fact that she is richer than you, that is the problem. My best mate has loads more money than me and it isn't an issue really. I get jealous sometimes, but that is MY problem and to do with where I am. One of the things I love about her is that she realises there is far more to life than money!
If you're very good friends and it's really bothering you, can't you mention it to her?

expatinscotland · 21/10/2007 21:58

Of course, but it depends on what you do with your friends.

For example, if you're a couple of outdoor enthusiasts - hillwalkers, riders, climbers, etc. - then it's going to be easier than if you chiefly get together to go out or shop.

yellowsnow · 21/10/2007 21:59

I have a dear friend, who I have known for 10 years. Her husband started earning lots of money and has now set up his own business. Things have changed between us now. She is living in a five bedroom house with a games room. Her house is like a show house. They have two brand new cars.She has always copied me shall we say. If I save and work hard for something she goes out and buys it within week. I hate to say it but it gets to me. She wears designer clothes and hangs around with loaded friends now. She never asks me to go out with them all. It seems she wants me when she is bored with the children and wants something to do.
I have changed towards her too.I feel uncomfortable around her and not good enough.
I have another friend who I met when she was loaded already. She is so wonderful and makes you feel special and you just woldn't know she had lots of money.She likes nice things and has more money than the first friend, but I never feel anything but accepted.
Does that make sense?

Lulumama · 21/10/2007 22:00

yes
unless they expect you to be able to go to the bahamas at the drop of a hat or go shopping in paris or are harry enfield stylee ' i am considerably richer than you '

UnquietDad · 21/10/2007 22:04

I have a couple of friends who now earn vastly more than the rest of us. One of them is a management consultant living in London who hardly has an hour to call her own - works till midnight sometimes. But at weekends she lives it up and does loads of cultural stuff - opera, theatre, jetting off to Rio, etc. It doesn't really seem to matter as she is still pleased to see us and our children and we never mention money. If it weren't for the fact that her clothes always look new, you wouldn't know she had (at a guess) about ten times as much money as us.

I think it only really matters if ALL your friends are earning hugely more than you, and always want to meet at expensive hotels and restaurants and/or have regular weekends away in Amsterdam and the like.

artichokes · 21/10/2007 22:04

Agree with Expat. One of my friends from school married into a HUGELY rich family. She has an amazing lifestlye. However our friendship is based on hanging out in our houses, wearing our PJs, watching movies and gossiping. Were we regularly eating out, or going shopping, I might notice it more. But we seem pretty similar when sat on the sofa, wearing trackie bottoms and discussing our sex lives .

Boco · 21/10/2007 22:05

Of course.

All my friends have more money than me atm. I'm the only one who has had children and a career break - they've all stayed in London and concentrated on their jobs and so our lives are really quite different, but we haven't changed too much as people and at some point hopefully we will sort ourselves out, and they may well have children - these things are not constant and fixed, money comes and goes, - but if you really like someone, that is far more important that what they have or don't have.

Original poster

skintoid · 21/10/2007 22:06

I know the answer should be yes. But in reality, in everyday life it is difficult.

They have always had much more than us. 10 years ago it didn't matter one bit. Now everything has changed - their lifestyle, their circle of friends (includes many footballers and wives)their new HUGE house.

They are almost characteurs (sp?) of themselves.

OP posts:

frumpystumpy · 21/10/2007 22:16

it could just be that your friendship has changed over time, thats nothing to do with money......

pointydog · 21/10/2007 22:20

yes

but I think it does depend on personalities as well as past-times. If the wealthy person makes constant reference to possessions and purchases, then it will be strained. If not-wealthy person makes constant reference to being poor and lack of money, it will also be strained.

You have to get on very well as people.

micegg · 22/10/2007 09:39

I know what this is like but I am the 'better' off friend. I am not particularly well off but I have a friend who is worse off than me. I met her through DC and I have known her for 2 years. . She is constantly telling me that she has to buy her clothese from charity shops, etc. When I buy something for DD she awlays asks me where I got it from and how much it is (normally hennes occasionally Next). Recently we bought a new kitchen table and she asked me how much that was and when I told her (£200 so not a fortune) she drew a sharp breath. She has even asked me outright what ny DH earns as she found out we dont qualify for tax credits (we both work). I dont go on about money or how much things cost becuase I dont consider myself particularly wealthy. In fact we are in quite a bit of debt and will be remortgaging to pay this off next year. I find the constant comments a strain. I now deal with it by avoiding any conversations about money and if she asks where I have got DCS clothes from I tell her the grandparents bought them. I am sympathetic to her situation but I work and she doesnt so its no wander that we have more money comng in. I suppose it helps that our freindship is very much based on the fact we met through DC so I keep that as the focus.

DarthVader · 22/10/2007 09:57

Depends what your friendship is based on really.

If the money dynamic bothers either of you then the friendship will struggle.

ImBarryScott · 22/10/2007 09:58

all depends really. Out of my university friends, I made the crap career choice financially (love my job really ). I have become distanced from some friends because I don't ski, wear labels, and look groomed from constant treatments.

Other friends just invite me round to their (admittedly large) houses or out for pub lunches where none of this matters.

It does take some adjusting from my side though It's helped me to acknowledge that I am slightly envious of their material wealth, just as they are of my flexible job and short working hours.

WorkingClassScum · 22/10/2007 10:29

Depends what the friends are like.

While your friends personality change may have been triggered by the money it's still they who have changed. I would ditch any friends who turned materialistic whether they were like that because they were now earning loads or just because they suddenly have loads of credit cards.

RoyKinnear · 22/10/2007 10:40

we live in an area where we could never 'keep up' for want of a better phrase
i am very aware of who people 'think' they are and have struggled with confidence issues since we lived here
i think money is seen to reflect 'success' and all the trappings and status that go with that
i do have a couple of silly wealthy friends and i feel so insecure in their prescence that (articulate and 40) i may stumble over words...

so in answer to your q i am not sure

having said that a lot of my friends have a lot less money than me and i am very happy and relaxed with them so presumably it is my problem ...

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