Relationships

[Purple122]

How would you read this text?.. We’ve been together three months..
‘Hi. Sorry I've been quiet. I feel like I don't see what we have developing into anything more serious. It's been really good fun and I do like spending time with you but feel it's only right to let you know. Maybe you feel the same? Anyway, I didn't want to continue to come round unless I said something so not to mislead. Totally understand if you want to leave it here and not see me anymore’

He wants to get sex without the relationship. He does not respect you as a person, but is happy to continue to use your body. He is a slimey fuck-boy.

Jesus purple find your self respect for goodness sake! Don't bloody meet him. He's not interested. You meeting him after he explicitly told you this makes you appear incredibly desperate, don't give him that power over you.

Be sad/dissapointed/upset and move on. Don't make this harder on yourself.

I don't see this as slimey or creepy, he's been honest about how he sees the relationship.
If that's not what you want, then at least you have that information to make your own decision.

People are being very harsh. He's been honest. If you were happy with something casual then you might want to keep seeing him on that basis but by 3 months that kind of thing is often past its best-before date anyway.

Given that you have developed feelings for him I suggest you use the 'ok, thanks for letting me know' type response.

DO NOT be tempted to carry on chatting and casually meeting up if you want more than that. If there were to be any chance of him deciding he does want more then it won't happen that way.

Go cold turkey, however difficult it may be. If in March you want to take up a friendship with him then go for it but you have your eyes open.

Agree with all pps. I would normally be really supportive of a cheerio being said in person or at least over the phone but in this instance, I think seeing him would be difficult because you don’t actually want to end it.

If you want a FWB, crack on but look after yourself. If that isn’t what you want and you’ll accept casual because you are hopeful that he’ll wake up one day and be head over heels in love with you, I’d say you’re on a slippery slope to being hurt. I know it’s hard, I know 3 months is enough to catch some feels but as many folk have often written on other posts, it’s the potential of the relationship that you’re into at the moment, in this one message he’s letting you know what the potential is from his perspective.

I'd wouldn't text anything back but I'm a hardened x wife.

praepondero, nah. I have enough male friends to know this is crap. Men know from the off, pretty much from day one.

If a man knows from day one but continues to give every indication that he's having a relationship with you, then hits you with "sex is ok but you're not the one for me" its usually because he's either already in pursuit of someone else, or he's just in a better position to go find someone else. The vaccinations started yesterday! many will perceive this as the dawn of the new beginning.....ie life and bars, and clubs and dating are all back on.

It’s a bit assuming to say all men decide from the very start who is going to be serious and who isn’t! Not all men are the same!

I think it’s a text from someone that wants to dump you but is trying to get you to do it (as mentioned on previous page by someone else). Either way, whether he wants fwb or not you’d be crazy to meet him. You’ve got it totally different in your head to him. He’s not going to change his mind. You’re only going to drag the headache out for yourself by trying to continueZ. Gather up your pride, say no thanks and move on.

OP he likes you enough for sex but is letting you know he won't commit to you. Save yourself heartache and walk away now because he WILL be looking elsewhere, this seems to be the thing now. I made the mistake of thinking I could change his mind...nope! I think once you allow them to put you in the FWB/casual bracket that's it, they see you as the for now girl until they meet someone they fall for. Please don't do what I did, you're worth more.

Skip seeing him. It's going to end in both of you on the mattress and you in tears.

He's told you that he wants a warm body, but not you as a girlfriend. He's not going to change his mind on that. Let it go.

If it came out of the blue, he's probably just matched his dream girl on tinder.

I'd text back ok then block.

Do you want him to think you are happy to hang around while he looks around for someone else? I wouldn't want any man to think that of me (even if it was true). I'd take this as being dumped and try and walk away from it with head held high and intact self-esteem (which you should, you have done nothing wrong, he's just not the one for you)

I think it's a pretty fair (and clear) text from him. I personally wouldn't bother replying, though.

Definitely keep some dignity though and don't see him!

OP, this is a decent guy who's told you clearly that he LIKES you, but doesn't see his feelings growing, or their being a future.

It doesn't make him a creep or a bad person, or even that he just wants you for sex. Clearly he cares for you, that he's told you straight off, by text, and given you the option whether you see him again in person or not. It's brutal cutting someone off completely so he's tentatively offering you the option of still staying in touch. You'd be more hurt if he texted you that and then deleted/blocked you!

3 months is just dating - where you're trying ti figure out if it can become a long term relationship. He's done nothing wrong. You can like people, care for them, enjoy hanging out with them, and STILL not see a future. Maybe he thought his feelings would grow and they haven't. Maybe it's something else. Doesn't matter. He's been honest.

Don't go meet him - he won't change his mind. And you don't want to convince or guilt him into changing his mind. Accept this gracefully. Thank him for letting you know, that you're disappointed as you had seen potential, but understand he doesn't feel the same. that you'd prefer to not stay friends as it's easier but have enjoyed your time together. And wish him well.

Then grieve his loss, don't beat yourself up though. Not everyone we date is the person we'll spend our lives with. Take time to heal, and then get back out there.

Thanks for the advice all. Think the general consensus is, end it unless I can handle FWB. I don’t think I can, as I’m already emotionally involved.. So I have my answer

@Purple122

I know I shouldn’t see him after this but I’ve developed feelings for him and I supposed the idea I can still see him appeals.. If I’m honest a small part of me is hoping he’ll change his mind but I’ve been through enough to know this won’t happen..

You know this doesn't work.

A decent guy won't change his mind, but will potentially be nice to spare your feelings which you'll take as false hope.

A not decent guy will know you want more and that you're waiting for him to change his mind, shagging you and seeing other people for as long as you continue to see him.

He's been honest, he wants a non exclusive thing with you where you have sex and don't become a couple.

You don't want that.

Why on earth are you planning to see him, hoping he'll change his mind, knowing that won't happen?!

Please don't humiliate yourself by doing that. Respect he's told you the truth and listen to it.

@Purple122

Thanks for the advice all. Think the general consensus is, end it unless I can handle FWB. I don’t think I can, as I’m already emotionally involved.. So I have my answer

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's bloody horrible

Thanks Nikhedonia

Just do not respond to him. If he were any kind of decent, he would've had this conversation face to face. Nip it in the bud now before your feelings develop any further.

I would let him go I wouldn't want to be someones fuck buddy while he's off looking for someone he likes better. Still I suppose at least he came clean and didn't mess you around or just ghost you like a lot do.

If you see him, you will end up going along with it, he'll be using you for his convenience, while you wait on him to change, which will never happen. You won't move on from your feelings and you will become more destroyed by watching while he dates others. Meanwhile, he will have less and less respect for you, because you will have shown him that you will put up with anything and dont respect yourself enough

'He's been acting like we're in a relationship'.

If you two aren't officially (had the talk) together three months in, then it was surely pretty obvious already that he wasn't looking to be. Actions mean nothing if a persons words dont back them up (and vice versa of course).

Dont see him again. He'll take you seeing him again as your 'no thanks' being a negotiation point. Quite frankly I don't think his text even warrants a response.

Please OP listen to the wise words and do not meet up with him after receiving this text, he has made his intentions clear.

You have acknowledged you have feelings. Go thru the pain now. You will only fall deeper if you allow this to continue. Don’t allow yourself to be a second choice if he feels like a shag.

He is warning you that you are going to get hurt. Take it as a warning not a challenge to try and change his feelings.

Good luck

He is being completely up front and IMO not leading you on. I have had this before dating someone for 5 months or so and both realised it wasn't turning into anything more (love) so we decided to leave it at that. He is, unsurprisingly, open to still having sex/being casual but doesn't want to meet up more under the deception that for him it will turn into something more serious.

I thought the point of dating was to see how things develop before jumping into boyfriend/girlfriend titles!

Update: so I did see him last night. Told I don’t want anything more serious right now (we meet once a week for dinner) but I’m also not looking for anyone else. He said he’s happy to meet up as usual but didn’t want to mislead me at the moment. He was talking about stuff we could do in the coming weeks. Maybe it’s unwise for me to proceed like this but I’m going to revisit the issue with him in a month. In the meantime.. I’ll let him initiate all communication etc..

Wait...wtf did I just read? You told us earlier you didnt want a fuck budy, you were looking for a relationship. He has told you he doesnt want one. And you're still meeting him...why?

OP he isnt going to change his mind.
You're walking into a snowstorm with your eyes wide open.