Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Caught checking husbands emails

44 replies

sunflower9901 · 08/12/2020 09:31

Me [28] and husband [37] have been together 4 years and married for just over a year. Around 10 weeks ago I found out he had been paying for webcam interactions with other females. We split for 8 weeks and for the past 2 weeks we have been talking/ figuring things out (I still don’t know how I feel and whether I want to continue being together). He claims he only ever done it the once and the account is now deleted, I’m not sure how true this is. So over the weekend I logged into his emails to see for myself if 1) there was any email to say the account had been deleted and 2) if there were any other email confirmations of any other websites he was on. I didn’t find anything (maybe deleted them?) but he did see me logged into his email and obviously questioned it. I was honest and told him I needed closure of it all for me to ever be able to move on. It was more of a self preservation thing but he doesn’t understand that.

I know I am in the wrong completely and I should never have invaded his privacy like that, of course I have apologised but he is understandably angry and has been staying with a friend since this happened. I have tried explaining that the reason I done it was because of what he done but he just sees it as me blaming him for my actions.

I don’t know what more I can do but hoping someone has some advice?

OP posts:

TreacleHart · 08/12/2020 12:51

You. are. not. in. the. wrong. here.
He has turned this around from being about him to you.
Let him stay where he is.

WB205020 · 08/12/2020 12:56

Firstly OP, im sorry this is happenning to you. You were within your rights to want closure and clarification that there is nothing else you need to know about. Some will argue you shouldnt have logged into his email without his knowledge but that is a mute point.

Him getting angry and staying with a friend is a way of diverting this back on to you. You are not the one who did something, he did. His reaction in this way is trying to make him the victim.

I understand your head is in a mess however i would use this time apart to establish whether this is a relationship that is worth saving. Ok so he may not have 'cheated' in the physical sense but he did something that broke your trust and his reaction to you wanting closure and reassurance speaks volumes. Tell him he needs to be the one apologizing to you not least for what he did but his reaction to what you did too.

Weirdfan · 08/12/2020 13:14

You need to stop feeling bad for 'invading his privacy' OP, he's shit all over your trust, what does he expect? Of course he will try to exploit the opportunity to split blame and make you 'as bad as him' because it deflects attention away from what he's done, which as you rightly pointed out is what started this chain of events. You need to stop letting him do that, every time he raises it you need to turn it back to what he has done and point out that it's cause and effect. Really, stop taking any blame for something he caused, you should be raging at his betrayal, not apologising for something you would never have done if he wasn't a cheating liar.

Serendipity79 · 08/12/2020 13:18

I got in a habit of checking my exes phone after I discovered a porn addiction (very nasty material degrading women) and messages to another woman.

Unfortunately I found more and more until I finally ended it. During that time he tried constantly to turn it round on me saying I was controlling by checking his phone and lacked trust in him. Didn't accept any responsibility for his cheating and his disgusting websites. Didn't care that when I checked I found more lies - he maintained that my checking was the cause of our problems. Didn't care about lying repeatedly - sometimes more than once a day about the most stupid things in order to make me feel like I was going crazy.

If he can't accept that for a while, he loses some privacy in order for you to feel reassured then I don't honestly believe he wont do it again and you wont be able to move forward in the relationship. x

Wherehavetheteletubbiesgone · 08/12/2020 13:19

Be careful about the computer misuse act. If you access someone's emails it is up to 10 years in jail and a fine unless they consented.

You obviously dont trust them so leave them.

Wherehavetheteletubbiesgone · 08/12/2020 13:22

Sorry all those saying the OP is in the wrong here are completely misguided they seem to have invaded anothers privacy and violated the 1990 computer misuse act that is a very serious issue and could warrant a fine or jail. What he did wasn't illegal the OP on the other hand seems to be well outside the law

beavisandbutthead · 08/12/2020 13:28

God he is a keeper isnt he...you catch him out. You split and are trying to recover and unsurprisingly you have issues trusting him. So you check his emails and he is affronted and staying at his mates. Whislt your expected to be grovelling and apologising to him. When actually he should be grovelling and apologising to you for making you feel that you had to do what you did.

Lifes too short, time for you to decide whether you want to stick it out with a man you dont trust.

wishywashy6 · 08/12/2020 13:28

@Wherehavetheteletubbiesgone 🙄

Original poster

sunflower9901 · 08/12/2020 13:31

@Wherehavetheteletubbiesgone - he gave me his password to his emails ages ago as majority of our accounts are in his name with his email. I had permission to look. He is angry at me not trusting him and therefore looking without talking to him about it first.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2020 13:32

You are so, so young and have already wasted too much time with this man. If you want a happy future, leave him. He has showed you who he really is, please believe him.

YoniAndGuy · 08/12/2020 13:36

He's angry at you not trusting him?!

LOL!!!!!!

Use the time the shitbag is out of your hair to get sorted and get to a solicitor. This is a waste of time.

cravingthelook · 08/12/2020 13:42

So he can tidy up his mess if he knows you are going to do a check up.

Total knob

Please just get rid now

justilou1 · 08/12/2020 13:45

What am I reading? YOU are in the wrong? Wtf? Are you spending family funds on other blokes - real or otherwise? No! He gave you his passwords. He gave up the right to privacy. That or he have up the right to be in a relationship with you.

MrDarcysMa · 08/12/2020 14:24

I'm sorry op but if he was a good person he would understand you may need to check.

I'd leave - he sounds like a twat. Also I'd expect he has different email accounts that he used for things like this.

Lozzerbmc · 08/12/2020 15:28

He’s angry that you dont trust him after he broke your trust. All this one year into your marriage? Cut your losses and leave to avoid future heartache. Its funny how its always “just the once”- pull the other one!

Manxiety · 08/12/2020 16:04

He using this as a way to deflect his deceit. Own it OP. You did it because he gave you cause. Don't let him gaslight you into feeling guilty for his perversion. Tell him if he can't deal with your need for full disclosure then so be it. 👋

Raidblunner · 08/12/2020 18:24

The Cheeky bastard! The whole reason your looking at his emails is because he caused the problem in the first place. And yet he has the audacity to be 'angry' with you. Needs a good kick up pervy arse.

Figgygal · 08/12/2020 18:27

He’s deflecting to make you the bad guy
But you’re not he is! Don’t forget that

Lora88 · 08/12/2020 20:36

Go into his settings in emails it gives you a list of every website there suscribed to

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread