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Relationships

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Original poster

Caught checking husbands emails

44 replies

sunflower9901 · 08/12/2020 09:31

Me [28] and husband [37] have been together 4 years and married for just over a year. Around 10 weeks ago I found out he had been paying for webcam interactions with other females. We split for 8 weeks and for the past 2 weeks we have been talking/ figuring things out (I still don’t know how I feel and whether I want to continue being together). He claims he only ever done it the once and the account is now deleted, I’m not sure how true this is. So over the weekend I logged into his emails to see for myself if 1) there was any email to say the account had been deleted and 2) if there were any other email confirmations of any other websites he was on. I didn’t find anything (maybe deleted them?) but he did see me logged into his email and obviously questioned it. I was honest and told him I needed closure of it all for me to ever be able to move on. It was more of a self preservation thing but he doesn’t understand that.

I know I am in the wrong completely and I should never have invaded his privacy like that, of course I have apologised but he is understandably angry and has been staying with a friend since this happened. I have tried explaining that the reason I done it was because of what he done but he just sees it as me blaming him for my actions.

I don’t know what more I can do but hoping someone has some advice?

OP posts:

DongDingBells · 08/12/2020 09:40

Well yes, LTB.
Seriously. Married less than a year and he's pissing about with remote sex. The fact he then reacted to you checking his emails the way he did rather than with,
"well I suppose I deserve that..." is just an extra reason.
Throw this one back and go live your best life.

User3262760621 · 08/12/2020 09:50

If you've already caught your partner cheating once, you'll pretty obviously feel the need to check up on them occasionally as a consequence. It's not nice, but it's pretty inevitable. If he can't cope with that, you made the wrong choice to keep him?

The fact he's getting angry over it and blaming you? What does that mean now...

TwentyViginti · 08/12/2020 09:54

Yep LTB. You'll never feel secure with this sleazebag of a bloke. You're 28, still young! don't waste any more of your precious life on him.

Oh they all say they only did it once btw.

Original poster

sunflower9901 · 08/12/2020 10:00

I felt it was justified and thought he would of understood and accepted why I did it even if he was angry. I’m not convinced it was only the once, not at all. I’m trying not to be naive about the situation and I am trying to figure out my feelings which is proving difficult.

I don’t know what to think at the moment, my head is all over the place

OP posts:

OhioOhioOhio · 08/12/2020 10:02

Oh Jesus, he's got you under his thumb good and proper. He's a bastard and you are apologising. Nice work. Leave him.

Honeyroar · 08/12/2020 10:08

So you have to get over him and his sex accounts without much fuss, but you checking his email causes him to get angry, flounce off and stay at a mates! I’d leave him at his mates and start looking at the best way to divorce.

ILoveYoga · 08/12/2020 10:12

Most men, if they’re really sorry, want to help restore your trust in him, would have offered you to look at his email and phone

He’s using this to be his way to try to be right in a split, that your looking at his email is as bad as his cheating by video

This is one year into your marriage. You’re supposed to be so loved up - but he’s been having it off on line with someone else.

Don’t think could be any other resolution than LTB

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/12/2020 10:21

He's angry!!!!????

He's broken your trust and expects you to just crack on and sweep it under the carpet. I don't fucking think so.

See the webcam alone would be a deal breaker for me but add to it the reaction when the he's faced with the concequences of breaking your trust....

Just. No.

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/12/2020 10:21

*when he's faced with

dottiedodah · 08/12/2020 10:26

You are married less than a year and hes online with other women!WTF? I am guessing you are quite young still .Please consider your future ,If hes like this now, what happens when hes a few years down the line and DC arriving?

BlueCheckedTeatowel · 08/12/2020 10:30

its going to get worse. especially now he views himself as the wronged party and its YOU having to make it up to him. Just leave. View this as the line in the sand, walk away and find someone worthy of you

thegrassisgreenwhereyouwaterit · 08/12/2020 10:32

Please don’t allow him to turn this around and make it all about how you invaded his privacy. That is not the issue.

I’m with @Closetbeanmuncher on this, it would definitely be a deal breaker, especially given the extremely short time you’ve actually been together. It doesn’t bode well for the future. And this is just the web cam occasion that you know about.

cardswapping · 08/12/2020 10:33

I am sorry, it does not sound good.

A relationship is based on trust, and he took trust away with his secret webcam interactions. I am sure someone will come along saying it is great to spice up their couple life, but the key here is trust vs. secrecy. If you were both into it and you knew/approved, it would not be an issue of course. But you are not okay with it, he lied/hid.

Now the question is does he want to work at rebuilding your trust? Because it would involve letting you access devices freely. I expect that they are some marriage counsellors out there who have good advice on how to rebuild trust, but I would expect open accounts/no secrecy to be step one.

jabice · 08/12/2020 10:52

I would have checked his emails too! On a weekly basis!

Love that he's acting like the injured party here! Obviously you are going to check his emails, and now he's turning it around on you. He sounds a little bit manipulative with the way he's acted about this.

NotPrude · 08/12/2020 11:34

He is manipulating you. He is attempting to turn this around on to you rather than accepting he's in the wrong and doing whatever it takes to make it right, which would include being understanding about you checking his emails.

He is in the wrong, not you. Don't feel bad or guilty. He made you lose trust and he is not helping you to get that back.

User85630296481 · 08/12/2020 11:35

@DongDingBells

Well yes, LTB. Seriously. Married less than a year and he's pissing about with remote sex. The fact he then reacted to you checking his emails the way he did rather than with, "well I suppose I deserve that..." is just an extra reason. Throw this one back and go live your best life.

This.

KittenCalledBob · 08/12/2020 11:37

This is awful. I can't believe he's got you apologising and feeling guilty. Yes what you did was wrong but it was NOTHING compared to what he did. He needs to properly take responsibility for his actions and not try to shift the blame to you. What a bastard

TooTrueToBeGood · 08/12/2020 11:42

So it's all your fault because you don't trust him, nothing to do with him proving himself untrustworthy in the first place?

To me it's simple. Trust is fundamentally essential to a relationship. He broke that trust. Now if you can forgive and forget that would be fine but clearly you can't and that is neither your fault nor your obligation. People who break the trust of others don't have an automatic right to forgiveness.

The trust is gone and relationship is damaged beyond repair - that is the simple fact of the matter. Personally, I would get out now rather than waste any more of your life chasing rainbows.

Cantpickausername5 · 08/12/2020 11:47

The only thing you did wrong is not tell upfront that you will be checking his emails. You may have gave him another chance, but you are starting at zero trust. Tell him that until trust has been rebuilt
and you feel comfortable and secure in your relationship, you will be checking his emails and online devices. He has very right to say no, that's his choice, but if he does than his not opened to building the trust back between you both. At that point walk away

wishywashy6 · 08/12/2020 11:55

Oh fuck that, if you must stay with him then he has lost every right to have your trust and should be doing everything in his power to try and regain it. That includes full transparency with EVERYTHING. Emails, texts, bank statements and whatever the hell else you want. HE is the one in the wrong here, not you.

They all say it only happened once. A cheat will only ever confess to what he (or she) can't deny.
They minimise what they've done, deflect blame onto you and you end up feeling like you're the one tiptoeing round trying to fix things.

Honestly, I'd kick the wanker out and never look back.

billy1966 · 08/12/2020 12:09

OP,

You married a sleezy pig.

Do not take on board his trying to blame you.

Less than a year married..ffs..

Get out, divorce him, and leave him to his webcam.

Oh and don't be discreet about it.

He's sleeze.

You deserve so much more.

This is who he is.

notquitealonealone · 08/12/2020 12:24

Wow, He's seriously angry you looked at his emails after what he did?
I wonder why!! I think there may be things in there he dosen't want you to see, or things that might appear in there he dosen't want to risk you seeing.
No way. If hes annoyed at this, seriously leave op.
He broke your trust in a massive way. he should be doing absolutely everything in his power to help you trust him again.
This is the exact opposite of that.
I'm so sorry hes such a shit.

nitsandwormsdodger · 08/12/2020 12:43

Lack of privacy is what you lose when you cheat

dabbadabbadoooo · 08/12/2020 12:44

Ha ha men who are in the wrong and get angry like that are the ones with somthing still to hide . Don't let him back

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 12:46

Of course he won't understand and of course you are not in the wrong.

Lucky you found out now and can move on before you invest yourself more into this man.

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