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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I right to be annoyed?

29 replies

Kenny36 · 07/12/2020 23:02

I am in a relationship for two years now. We have our fights but mostly it’s going well. Although there is one thing that bothers me a lot. He still has contact with an ex girlfriend. Apparently she is the only one of his exes that he ever really loved, that she is beautiful and everything about her is perfect. He likes all her photos on social media and sends her messages. I mentioned to him that it makes me feel uncomfortable but he says I’m being silly and that they are just friends. Well actually more than friends he said, like family. His family also like and comment on all her photos too. I feel like they would be delighted if they got back together. It is making me feel so bad about myself. He makes me feel inadequate when he mentions her. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

MyNameForToday1980 · 07/12/2020 23:07

The keeping in touch (so long as he didn't hide it), and his family still talking to her I could accept (because you can be friends with an ex, sometimes).

But that twinned with "the only ex he loved, who is beautiful and perfect".

Nah. Count me out.

Two years is a long time to put up with that. I really recommend thinking hard about whether you want the same for the next two years and beyond.

ILoveYoga · 07/12/2020 23:11

You’ve told him this makes you uncomfortable but he continues this behaviour, regardless of your feelings. After two years it’s still ongoing so not likely to change. Do you want to be in a relationship where he does this forever?

Original poster

Kenny36 · 07/12/2020 23:14

I actually didn’t know they kept in touch, I just happened to notice it one day. Then out of curiosity, I had a look at her social media and saw that he likes every single thing she posts. I feel like if the shoe was on the other foot and I did something similar, he wouldn’t like it.

OP posts:

TwentyViginti · 07/12/2020 23:23

No no no OP. Abandon this relationship. He's idealised his ex.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2020 23:28

Why did they break up if she’s so bloody brilliant?

Have you met her?

Obviously all couples are different but it’s not normal to regularly have fights, especially not only two years in. Sounds tiring.

Original poster

Kenny36 · 07/12/2020 23:31

Yes, it’s like he has her on a pedestal. The thing is, it’s 13 or 14 years since they were a couple! He hasn’t even seen her for about 6 years because she lives abroad. He told me that he had difficulty in his previous relationship before me because she was upset too that he kept in contact with this particular ex.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kenny36 · 07/12/2020 23:36

I haven’t met her but have looked at her social media. She seems to be the attention seeking sort. Her Instagram is full of photos of only her, nothing else. There have been many times where I have actually thought about saying to him, go after her then if she is so fantastic!! He even said that she set the bar for all future relationships!!
I feel like why am I even bothering with him.

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 07/12/2020 23:36

And there you have it op

Nothing compares to her....
So if I was you I wouldn't bother , you haven't got his full attention

TwentyViginti · 07/12/2020 23:37

The thing is, it’s 13 or 14 years since they were a couple

He told me that he had difficulty in his previous relationship before me because she was upset too that he kept in contact with this particular ex.

No surprise there. Leave him to his fantasies and find a proper grown up man.

Shetoshe · 07/12/2020 23:47

Jesus why would you put up with this?! Get rid of the twat.

madcatladyforever · 07/12/2020 23:49

It would be goodbye from me. He's making it very obvious he'd be back with her given any chance.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2020 23:53

Get rid of this loser. He sounds pathetic and two years is two years too many to waste on this twat.

LookingForDeeplyDo · 08/12/2020 11:40

I’d feel 2nd, so it’d be a goodbye from me too

billy1966 · 08/12/2020 11:44

Leave him to his memories OP.

You will always be second place.
Why settle for that.

So sorry.
YANBU.

TooTrueToBeGood · 08/12/2020 11:48

We have our fights but mostly it’s going well.

That bit there is enough for me to be honest. Relationships should be positive and uplifting, not slightly better than shit which is what yours sounds like. The rest of it about his obsession with his ex and the effect that is having on your self-esteem is just the icing on the cake. Actually, I would ask yourself whether he is using her to enable him to erode your self-esteem. Either way, you deserve better.

LindaEllen · 08/12/2020 12:00

You said that his family would be happy if they got back together. Putting aside everything else for one moment, that's something that becomes very difficult to live with.

My DP had been with his ex for 6 years when they split up. They split because they should never have been together - he didn't truly love her, but he was going through a tough time and was more scared to be alone than to stay with her.

They'd been split up over a year before we even met.

Yet his family were gutted, and make it clear that they would have preferred him to stay with her. They still invite her for Christmas (she has nobody else) which DP finds hugely awkward, and have uttered the words 'It was better when he was with Tash' in front of me - better, I think, because she encouraged him to do more family stuff which he didn't really enjoy. These days we see them every couple of weeks, but that's normal to me.

It makes me feel so so horrible.

Original poster

Kenny36 · 08/12/2020 12:33

He is always bringing up my exes too. Saying that they are all shit next to him. Sometimes I feel like he brings up his ex just to wind me up. Like saying that she is better than me and almost like planting these these thoughts in my head that he can do better yet I can’t do better than him

OP posts:

LilyRose88 · 08/12/2020 12:45

My ex was exactly the same, and his family also kept in touch with his ex. He was abusive too and compared me to her unfavourably in a subtle way throughout our relationship. She was the polar opposite of me physically and he would make me feel 'less than' by being taller, larger build, and having different colouring to her. He also talked about her or mentioned her every day. I am quite embarrassed now by how much I put up with but he was an unpleasant manipulator who managed to destroy my self esteem during our relationship.

Whenever I mentioned it to him he would play the victim and accuse me of being controlling and refusing to allow him to talk about his past. I finally told him that if he wanted to stay with me he had to stop talking about her. His choice whether to accept that or leave. Of course he stayed and just found other ways to make me feel bad about myself. I eventually ended the relationship, and can honestly say that it was the best decision I ever made.

Opentooffers · 08/12/2020 12:54

Lol, wouldn't it be his just deserts if you claimed you were leaving him for one of your ex's that he thinks couldn't measure up to him.
If you really haven't been out with better than him, you have a low bar and need to reset it as that is a worry. If you have had better, why settle for his crap? You know you can do better than this, just leave him to it.

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 12:58

@Kenny36

He thinks you are punching above your weight and he has downgraded to you.

I would dump him and show him what is what.

If my bloke did this (which he wouldn't).. well he wouldn't be my bloke - it just would not happen.

Sometimes I read threads like this and want to shake the poster by the shoulders until their head wobbles

MrsVogon · 08/12/2020 12:59

@Kenny36

She set the bar?

Set your bar and get rid of this horrible arsehole! If she's that great, then he can get with her whilst you make yourself free of feeling you are being compared.

There is nothing wrong with having and ex as a friend, of course. I have an ex as a friend and my OH has 2 of his ex-GFs as friends...I've become friends with them too. The relationships were decades ago and irrelevant now. But in your situation, it is something to be concerned about when he is saying she set the bar for future relationships. What a twat. You deserve better.

ILikeStrongTea · 08/12/2020 13:03

He has her on a pedal stool. You can’t compete with that and neither should you have to.

He actually sounds really mean, the way he winds you up. You should never be second best in your own relationship.

Original poster

Kenny36 · 08/12/2020 13:35

The guys I have been with in the past have all been nice guys. I feel like he is jealous, especially of one in particular who he brings up all the time. It drives me crazy. I feel that he is trying to make out that they are shit to order to make himself feel better and make me feel lucky that I have him. He often makes jokes about me cheating on him, something which has never even crossed my mind!!

OP posts:

billy1966 · 08/12/2020 14:06

What a loser.

Don't waste anymore time with him.

Two years you have given this twat.🙄

ILikeStrongTea · 08/12/2020 16:31

Do you think he makes jokes about you cheating to justify his actions?

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