Banter

[Youareyouare]

My DH isn't the most outwardly affectionate person in the world. However, I've come to realise that he shows his affection by "playfully" taking the piss out of me or bickering with me over really minor things. He has even come to refer to the minor bickering as "flirting."
I wouldn't mind if it was just now and then, or even if it was coupled with a bit of physical affection, but it's all the time and there isn't much affection. Apart from when he thinks he's "won" then he'll playfully pat me on the bottom/back or try to kiss me with a really smug look on his face.

It really gets under my skin.
It's like affection makes him feel uncomfortable so this is how he shows it, like a 15 year old boy who fancies a girl in his class.

I find it unneccesarily draining.
We have 2 young DCs and I'd just much rather we were nice and loving towards each other as opposed to this "affectionate banter" as he calls it. It's just sucking my energy.

I've obviously spoken to him about this a lot, but he says I should just lighten up a bit. But probably half the time it leads to an argument as he makes a smarmy "jokey" remark after I banter back with him, which I find sexist or demeaning. I then become sulky and stroppy which I absolutely hate.

I just don't want to engage with it.

Does anyone have a similar DH problem? How do you deal with it?

He's a bit of a prick, isn't he?

No, you shouldn't have to 'lighten up' a bit. Piss-taking and banter are only funny if you both find them funny. Otherwise it is tantamount to bullying and antagonism.

When did he start doing this??

Can you give us an example?

But I already want to hit him.

Just from today:

"That was a nice dinner, but how many pots and pans did you use today? Did you use three saucepans, the slow cooker, 2 frying pans, the grill pan and 17 wooden spoons like you usually do?"
"Oh, I'm pleasantly surprised, just one saucepan, a slowcooker and 5 spoons! Well-done!"

"Oh you're eating that cake! The one you said you were saving for the kids?! I knew you'd give in!"

DH is playing with DCs as I'm writing a to do list on the sofa. He starts lifting them in the air as if flying, their faces keep coming within inches of mine.
I tell him I'm trying to write a list can he stop it.
He stops it but starts shoving his own head into my arm so it keeps knocking it as I'm writing. Smirk on his face. I ask him to stop and he says "I just want to get close to you. I thought you wanted me to be more affectionate."

After I've put dinner in the oven:

Yesterday:
"Dare me to jump in that massive puddle."
Me "Ok I dare you."
He jumps.
"I'm soaked! Why would you tell me to do that?!"
"You and your bright ideas. Why would you say that so I have to drive home in soaking wet trousers?!" And him going on and on about it all the way home.

Reading back, these all seem so trivial and a little bit funny. But this is constant. Constant piss-taking.
It's so irritating.

Ignore "after I've put dinner in the oven" I decided not to include that one as it was more lighthearted.

Good that sounds tedious.

They don't seem trivial or funny, he sounds tedious and annoying as fuck. He's behaving towards you how my big brother was towards me at his most annoying... when he was about 12.

I would find it really hard to fancy someone who sounds so idiotic especially as he seems to not give a shit about your wants and needs.

My partner and I tease each other and joke around a lot - if one of us actually upset the other we would be really sorry and not do the same thing again. Our teasing is playful and loving. His is just irritating by the sounds of it.

It doesn't sound a little bit funny at all. It sounds incredibly annoying and unfunny especially the puddle one.
He's a selfish, tedious prick.
He's not going to change though. If you have spoken to him lots of times and he just dismisses your feelings and carry on doing it.
He has no respect for your feelings at all.

He sounds like a dickhead. I couldn't put up with that day in day out.

You're right it is like a "big brother" making fun all the time.
I'm going to bluntly point this out next time he does. Perhaps I'll say something along the lines of living with a big brother as opposed to a husband.
Interestingly, he is a big brother to a sister who is 8 years younger than him. I am also 8 years younger than him so he's possibly behaving in the same way around me as he used to with her. A bit weird.

sounds draining and boring and the opposite of sexy. what was he like when you got together?

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is basically a weird, childish dickhead? You don't have to!

I don't think this sounds funny.
Funny would be "isn't daddy silly for jumping in a puddle"
I guess I have a different sense of humour

He sounds like a condescending prick, that you find him sexist is unsurprising (he is). Not sure what you can do about that, send him to diversity training lol. Perhaps do it right back to him as much as you can stomach, people like that rarely enjoy a dose of their own medicine.

You know its deliberate to exhaust you right?
Its banter for him because that's how bullies enjoy themselves, by shitting on people. Sone of them use their fists, others use their words.

It's the equivalent of 'stop hitting youtself' 24/7.
Why do you think someone who behaves like that is a suitable partner? Sorry op,but he doesn't even like you. As pp said, he is a prick.

It’s not a form of affection really is it. It’s tedious persistent goading.

I've got the ick just reading that. That sounds unattractive and exhausting, like having an extra child but one who isn't going to grow out of this annoying phase.

Its incredibly emotionally immature and I say that as someone who does express affection in a kind of 'banter' way.... its not really affection if its not consensual tho. I mean he needs to read the room he sounds like a 12 year old. It also sounds kind of insecure.. like he's reassuring himself by belittling you. He sounds really damaged tbh... im not sure this is something you can undo with him... especially if he won't acknowledge the problem

Hmm surprised the twats not wearing one of them pans over his head. Sounds like a right annoying wanker! Next time he whines about the pans tell him he can cook the meal and wash the pans.

Tedious is exactly the word I would use to describe it.
And as a result, exhausting.
It just feels like I'm wasting unnecessary energy on it. I get drawn in and try to give it back, which he can't take as he will say "I was only joking." As if it's me who can't take it, but actually it's him.
I just don't want to be expelling energy on this at all, I'd rather save it for planning for the future, having sex, or being a little more loving towards each other.
I genuinely believe this is how he shows affection. I think he just doesn't know how to show it.

Sorry op - he isn't trying to show you affection. He is deliberately riling you; as a pp has said it's a form of bullying.

No op it isn't affection. Unfortunately people get drawn in to thinking if they could just control the situation (perhaps by moderating their own behaviour in a certain way) then this person would understand that what they are doing is hurtful. Because the alternative is to actually consider the fact that the person DOES know their behaviour is hurtful.

There-in lies the trick of the abuser: getting you to believe they dont actually mean you any harm. That they are just misunderstood.

He knows what he is doing.
If you want proof of this...you mention the smug look he does. I call it the 'narcissistic smirk'. Think on this op, when does he smirk? Is it when he sees he has affected you? Why would anyone smirk at the stress and distress of someone they care about? Also, ask yourself when you last smirked at anyone? Because I'm guessing you'll be hard pushed to think of a time. Because mostly, smirking is an expression of contempt.

Absolutely none of your examples of your Hs behaviour are remotely funny or affectionate.

Has he always done this or is it a new set of behaviours?

Put simply: He knows you don't like it, he could take steps to remedy this as a fully grown adult and make a serious effort to meet you halfway at least on the ways to show affection that you would like them to be shown.

Instead he ignores your repeated requests that he not do what he is doing and when you say what he is doing upsets you he tells you that you have the problem and need to lighten up.

This is not nice or funny. It is not healthy. It is a nasty way to treat someone you are supposed to love. It's actually abusive IMO.

You may think this is how he shows affection but I wonder if you haven't been gaslit into believing this because that's what he keeps telling you.

If someone slapped you and told you they were showing you love you would be able to see how wrong it was. Because he is using "jokes" (read here cruel and nasty words or actions) it is not a clear situation because normal healthy couples sometimes do have silly jokes with each other.

The key is that you are usually (always?) left feeling upset or angered after his displays of "affection" - if it feels wrong it usually is because you H does not sound like a nice person at all.

And it's not even that what he's saying is cruel or anything, it's just absolutely cringe and fucking tedious. Honestly, full body ick reading about him. You do know that in normal relationships you share a sense of humour, laugh loads and think of each other as a best friend you also find really attractive? He is not ticking any of the boxes of a decent long term partner. God he sounds so cringe!

‘Banter’ is far too often a word used to describe an inability to have serious conversations of any sort. OK, the occasional bit of teasing/winding up that goes on between friends or partners is to be expected. But when it is constant and draining like your is, I think it’s a sign of a deeper issue. It sounds like he is trying to patronise and belittle you. That would not be OK with me. If he can’t have a serious conversation about is and change this cruelty towards you, then you need to rethink your relationship. You deserve better than this.

Wow. The puddle story. Is he on glue??!

I have no idea why a grown man would do that. What a bellend.

Did him down and tell him to stop it. It's not funny, you're not laughing, his behaviour is exhausting and you don't like him or fancy him.

Give examples of behaviour you'd like instead? Would that work?