Banter

[Youareyouare]

My DH isn't the most outwardly affectionate person in the world. However, I've come to realise that he shows his affection by "playfully" taking the piss out of me or bickering with me over really minor things. He has even come to refer to the minor bickering as "flirting."
I wouldn't mind if it was just now and then, or even if it was coupled with a bit of physical affection, but it's all the time and there isn't much affection. Apart from when he thinks he's "won" then he'll playfully pat me on the bottom/back or try to kiss me with a really smug look on his face.

It really gets under my skin.
It's like affection makes him feel uncomfortable so this is how he shows it, like a 15 year old boy who fancies a girl in his class.

I find it unneccesarily draining.
We have 2 young DCs and I'd just much rather we were nice and loving towards each other as opposed to this "affectionate banter" as he calls it. It's just sucking my energy.

I've obviously spoken to him about this a lot, but he says I should just lighten up a bit. But probably half the time it leads to an argument as he makes a smarmy "jokey" remark after I banter back with him, which I find sexist or demeaning. I then become sulky and stroppy which I absolutely hate.

I just don't want to engage with it.

Does anyone have a similar DH problem? How do you deal with it?

He's not being funny or affectionate. Why would you think he is? At best he's a bloody bore. I bet he never has anything sensible or witty to say either. Having large piles sounds more amusing than him.

Was he the one washing up? I'd say I used extra so he's got more to do . If he's not doing the washing then it's got FA to do with hi what pans you use.
Overall, I think I'd try not biting back, go a bit grey rock and rise above it, see how that pans out (sorry about the pun).

Yuck. Hate this brand of dickhead. So fucking tedious and possibly one of the most unsexy ways a "man" can behave. I don't think there's a solution unfortunately OP, these types are what they are.

I'm soaked! Why would you tell me to do that?!"
"You and your bright ideas. Why would you say that so I have to drive home in soaking wet trousers?!" And him going on and on about it all the way home

Up until that point, I thought he might be clumsy around women, like some men who are awkward, badly socialised, and can't do any real affection or intimacy around them because they find it uncomfortable or scary. Everything must be a joke to them.

Then I read the above and I think there's a malicious undercurrent to thus. It seems like he's using his banter to hide the fact he's trying to belittle you. It's not on and it's disrespectful. It's underhanded and cruel.

Lol, it's funny that it's 'only joking' when they're the ones doing it to someone else, isn't it? I think he knows what he's doing. You know, there's a fine line between banter and bullying. Two need to play that game, and both people need to find it amusing and funny. If it's just one.....then it's not good banter anymore, it's just being an asshole.

He sounds immature and I can't imagine how someone can have a deep, intimate, serious connection with someone like that.

When did he start doing this?

You've got an odd one there OP!

Was he like this when you met/dated?

I went out with a man like this - 18 long months. He'd constantly 'crack gags' about everything - the way I dressed, the way I decorated my home, how I did my hair, things I said, the food I ate, the food I cooked for him, how my kids behaved, what other people thought of me.... it was exhausting. They all had an undertone of criticism. Every time I flagged it, or asked him to stop, he'd say he was 'only joking' and tell me I was oversensitive. But, as a friend of mine said, it's only a joke if it's funny. If it makes you feel bad and you tell your partner that, he should stop. He'll most likely act dejected, or tell you you're the one at fault, but stick to your guns. Often there is more to these statements than a poor attempt at humour - my ex turned out to be a very angry man, riddled with anxieties, and his jibes were means of making himself feel better. After we split, I ended up speaking to his ex - the ex he'd painted to me as being humourless and spiky - and she was a brilliant woman who'd essentially endured the same thing from him as I did.

Lots of luck with this one. My advice would be to flag his behaviour, tell him you don't like it, and see if he keeps doing it anyway. If he does, I'd suggest reading Why Does He Do That - Mumsnet recommended that one to me and once I started reading it, I couldn't stop. My ex had a LOT of narcissistic traits, not just the demeaning gags, and this book helped me see that x

It does sound tedious to have to listen to that crap every day.

Does he know how to have a normal conversation?

Since you've told him you don't like it and to stop, you might try not answering back and ignoring his nonsense.

You can change the topic to something else. Any normal topic.

Once he fails to get a rise out of you, hopefully he'll stop it.

Bullying dressed in "bantz" clothing.

Jeez, was he like this when you were courting??!!

You may think this is how he shows affection but I wonder if you haven't been gaslit into believing this because that's what he keeps telling you.
This exactly. He sounds like a petty bully.

Yes the "constant underlying criticism can chip away at your confidence."

I really do feel a bit like this.
I feel very taken for granted and unappreciated as he will always find some reason to take the piss out of me when I've done something good.
I think it comes from his own insecurity and inferiority complex tbh. I often feel like he's needing to compete with me.
I've not been happy for a long time and I was writing out a list of cons to do with DH. This was one of the cons but I wasn't sure if I just needed to relax about it, hence the thread.

Thank you for giving me some perspective on it.

Omg just reading your posts is making me annoyed, it must drive you mad!

I think I'd start being really blunt with him.

'Stop talking to me like this, I really dislike it.

Tell me to jump in the puddle 'no' 'go on' 'stop talking to me like that, I really dislike it'

'How many pots and pans did you use 'stop talking to me like this, I really dislike it'

He keeps knocking your arm 'stop doing that.....

When he says you want affection and that's why he's doing it 'most people cuddle, not do things their partners dislike'

Jesus.

I think you should stop with the trying very hard to make him sound like a basically nice, worth-being-with person: he really isn't.

You've told your husband you dislike, feel undermined by, feel teased and criticised by this relentless behaviour.

He's basically given you the message that he doesn't care how you feel. Now, there's really no way you can slice that into 'It's his way of showing he cares' without basically saying 'My husband is unable to process information and has no cognitive ability' OR 'My husband is a nasty piece of shit'

Which is it? Because it really really isn't that he's lovely and bumbling and just doesn't understand - pat pat.

I'm hesitating on bothering with any strategies to 'get him to stop' because it's far deeper than that: this is who he is - a fucking bellend who no sensible adult woman would want as a life partner.

Yep, read your posts again and I really can't add anything.

An ex of mine had a friend like this. He was just really horrible: toxic masculinity and a mean streak a mile wide strained through the colander of 'It's just BAAAAANTER'

Just fucking horrible, a horrible man who was unbearable to be around, especially for women, and who I was 100% delighted to never see again.

My ex was a bit like this. Always 'jokingly' criticising me. It chipped away at me for years until 1 day I literally exploded when he came into the kitchen one morning and made a joke of how I'd made my own breakfast again (I did all the cooking). I ended things soon after. This man is abusing you.

Narcissists need to 'win', so they have to create competition.

He is disordered op. It can't be fixed, its who he is. His sort are programmed to suck the life and happiness out of others.

Negging does not = banter and banter does not = affection.

Has he changed, @Youareyouare?

Was he like this at your wedding reception? Since DC? Or always?

Oh and re: I've not been happy for a long time and I was writing out a list of cons to do with DH. This was one of the cons - you really, really don't have to stay in the relationship.

No he wasn't like this before DCs, or if he was, it wasn't a regular thing. We used to tease each other (still do sometimes) but it was done more accectionately and coupled with compliments and praise.
I don't praise him much at all, so I can't complain much about that.

So he's after attention, like a juvenile?

I don't praise him much at all, so I can't complain much about that.
Doesn't sound like he does much to warrant praise tbh!