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Original poster

AIBU - sister’s reaction to my life choices

33 replies

SecretSister · 07/12/2020 10:30

For context, I am several years younger than my sister, and have been married for 2 years, with DH for 5 years before that and currently pregnant with first baby.

I saw my sister over the weekend (outside, within restrictions!) and she felt the need to offload her feelings about my pregnancy - saying things like “you don’t seem too happy to be pregnant” “you’re too young to have a baby” and my personal favourite, “well I suppose you rushed your engagement, it would follow that you’d rush into having a baby”

I was a bit taken aback at the comments over the weekend and didn’t really react at the time, when I know I should have said something. It feels like she’s passing judgement on my life choices, but I don’t know why. I don’t know how to tackle this without looking insensitive towards our (very different) life choices or causing WW3.

Any advice would be appreciated, I’m at a loss as to what would be the best route forward.

OP posts:

dinosforall · 07/12/2020 10:34

Well if she has made very different choices to you, then it follows that she is unlikely to agree with yours.

But overt judgement is not on; I don't see why you can't make this point without starting WW3?

MaidClarion · 07/12/2020 10:36

A breezy “Well we’re all different, aren’t we?” and change subject would make it clear you’re not willing to engage. She sounds envious.

RedskyAtnight · 07/12/2020 10:43

You don't say how old you are, so I'm going to assume early 20s, with perhaps not much "life experience" behind you.
I have to admit, if you were my sister I would personally worry about you having a baby young as well. But I would not voice those thoughts to you, which I guess is the crucial time. Nothing to do with being envious and more to do with being concerned. I've seen too many women have children young and stagnate not to be.

Original poster

SecretSister · 07/12/2020 10:50

dinosforall I wouldn’t say I was asking her to agree with my life choices, more asking for acceptance that people are different.

Sadly, if I voice anything other than agreement or neutrality, she will hit the roof and I’ll get the silent treatment unless I apologise - for doing nothing wrong - or she will enlist our parents to act as flying monkeys.

RedskyAtnight I’m in my late 20s, sister is in her early 30s. I’m not sure what you would consider life experience, so I can’t answer that without more information.

OP posts:

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 07/12/2020 10:55

Is she single? Maybe she is a touch envious you are having all these firsts when she is the oldest... Maybe she feels old /left behind /worried your dps will be your dc's dgp first.... Sounds like she was thinking out loud. Ignore op and enjoy your news!

ivfbeenbusy · 07/12/2020 10:55

Is she married? Does she have children? Sounds to me that she is perhaps envious of what you have? She could be experiencing infertility and therefore is struggling with you having fallen pregnant easily?

Littlemissnutcracker · 07/12/2020 10:59

She is envious of you 100percent. She is angry at her own life. Just keep it bright and breezy. Limit contact a little.

JamieLeeCurtains · 07/12/2020 11:03

Well, some people can move from passive-aggressive mode to full-blown tantrum in about 30 seconds.

You don't have to stay and listen to it. You don't have to take the flying monkey calls. You can ask for peace and quiet, and state clearly your intention to have a normal pregnancy without drama.

Clear boundaries are the way to go.

WildfirePonie · 07/12/2020 11:04

She sounds jealous.

OP, why do you put up with her moods? You know that you don't have to talk to family just because they are family. You can spend time with people that don't fly off the handle.

SquishySquirmy · 07/12/2020 11:07

You married 5 years after meeting, and became pregnant after 2 years of marriage?
Clearly, by most people's measurement, neither of those things are rushed (unless you met very young, which you didn't as you are in your late 20s now!)

So your sisters judgement of "rushed" is skewed.
This could be because she is so certain of the wisdom of her own life choices, that she thinks everyone should be the same.
Or it is because she is not really happy at all with her "choices" (might not be entirely a choice!)
Could be either. But generally, people who are happy and secure with their own lives are less likely to be super critical of others.
So I think she may, on some level, be envious of you. Unless she is often judgemental of people who take a different path to her own? Only you know her!
Third possibility is she is worried about you for some reason, eg she doesn't like your husband maybe.

She is your sister so only you can judge the situation. Does it need "tackling" though? If she is being weird about it because she is unhappy or insecure in some way, then I think it might be best to let her work things out in her own time. Is she normally a nice sister? If so, I would give her the benefit of the doubt, and some space and time.

FestiveChristmasLights · 07/12/2020 11:07

I don’t know why people always jump to the conclusion people are jealous if they don’t agree with certain things others do. The OP says they have very different life choices so the likelihood is that she just doesn’t understand why certain things are important or what you want to do (it probably goes both ways).

As long as you are happy, I’d just ignore her comments and leave her to it. Maybe as she is older she wrongly feels her views are right and you need to realise this, but you don’t.

AdoraBell · 07/12/2020 11:09

I would just smile and nod, don’t take it onboard. If you are happy with your DH and being pregnant then you have made the right choices. No one else’s business.

Original poster

SecretSister · 07/12/2020 11:09

She is currently single, and I am aware that the pandemic has called time on dating for now, which is why I’m trying to be as sensitive as possible about the whole thing.

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper your point about her worrying about missing out on firsts is an interesting one, she was making noises about our parents not being as excited if she gets married or has a baby. I spoke to DH about this (baby will be 4th grandchild on his parents side) and he said that his parents had been equally excited for every baby/wedding announcement, so personally, and possibly selfishly, I don’t foresee that being an issues.

@ivfbeenbusy she may think that I fell pregnant easily, the reality is that we were trying for about a year before getting married. Pre covid, DH and I were discussing our options and a plan going forward if we hadn’t been successful by our 2nd anniversary. Compared to some people, this is easy, but it wasn’t an easy thing to experience, especially when it seems like everyone else we knew was announcing a pregnancy! It isn’t something I’ve ever discussed with her, at the time I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone.

OP posts:

willowmelangell · 07/12/2020 11:13

Sounds like she is a bit envious. Perhaps she secretly fears being left behind. You are getting the firsts that she(as born first) expected.
My Dsis can be witheringly sneery. I just tell myself she is happy with her choices and I am happy with mine. It can sting though.
Hopefully it will all stop when she has wishes fulfilled.

Anotheruser02 · 07/12/2020 11:23

I think she's worries it won't happen for her.
Congratulations OP.

Otocinclus · 07/12/2020 11:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

ilovepuggies · 07/12/2020 11:29

It’s probably more about her unhappiness with her own life and she is finding it hard to express it?

Maybe you could ask her if she is ok as she does not seem like herself?

You could also say that you’ve thought about what she said when you last met and you could tell her it took a while to fall pregnant and share any concerns with her but also tell her that you are happy etc. you could acknowledge that you are both at different periods of your life but you want to be here for her?

If this doesn’t go down well maybe just have some space.

Nymeriastark1 · 07/12/2020 11:36

Happy content people keep their negative judgmental opinions that may upset to themselves. Unhappy jealous people feel the need to offload them, usually trying to hide it with worry or concern. Especially given the OP hasn't really rushed seems happy with her choices, and is young but not "too young".

Smiling89 · 07/12/2020 11:38

Sounds like stuff my older sister would say. From my experience, it comes from jealousy.

Being the first to get married, first grandchild, first to buy a house etc would be the kind of things that would be important to my sister too (whereas I generally don't care - always have come second after all). Luckily for me she was the first married/grandchild etc. A part of it is probably fear as well, that it won't happen for her.

I tend to just ignore it when she's like that, she usually gets over stuff like this, especially if it does eventually happen for her. I'm confident in my life choices and happy where they've got me, so don't take too much offence if she disapproves.

Nymeriastark1 · 07/12/2020 11:38

Why didn't it @ the person, oh well. Op people will say she isn't jealous or bitter and that mumsnet jumps to conclusions. But she clearly is. Late twenties is hardly an unusual age to be married and have children.

verticality · 07/12/2020 11:42

How about saying "Look, you've made your choices and they are different to what I would do. But that's fine - there isn't one correct way! I am making different choices, and handling things in a different way, and that's not a judgement on you: what is right for you and what is right for me are different".

I used this recently when my sister was telling me I couldn't do something and shouldn't try and it worked quite well!

ivfbeenbusy · 07/12/2020 11:57

@SecretSister

Given your update I'd perhaps give her some space. You found your "person"'in your DH - she is alone through what has been a very difficult year. She's looking at her life and comparing it to yours - what you have, what she doesn't and isnt likely to have any time soon. I think you are being a bit mean to be honest to say she is "judging your life choices" - she isn't judging - she's wishing it was her. It's very easy for you to say when you have the things she wants/dreams of having. And yeah confronting her would be very insensitive and could possibly be construed as coming from a place of smugness rather than empathy

Trying for a year might seem a long time when you are in the thick of it but it is completely average on TTC terms. You haven't told her about TTC - who knows if she has previously suffered miscarriages etc that she hasn't told you about. Plus she's older than you and most likely feeling that it's only going to her harder for her here on out

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 07/12/2020 11:59

I am an only dc but when I had the first dgc and sil followed suit with a ds a year later she never forgave me. Our dc had zero relationship.. Neither did me and sil.

category12 · 07/12/2020 12:09

I think it can be hard on the elder sibling, when the younger sibling is apparently ahead of then in doing things in life.

I wouldn't take it to heart, or engage with it, just change the subject and carry on.

Original poster

SecretSister · 07/12/2020 12:19

Thank you all for your insight. Some interesting reading and food for thought.

@ivfbeenbusy I posted this thread because I didn’t want to cause unnecessary upset or be insensitive in how I approach this going forward. Knowing my sister, unless I raise it in the right way, her comments at the weekend will not be the last I hear about it.

I don’t, personally, think I’ve been mean about it at all. I am doing my best in what you admitted is a hard year to preserve my relationship with my sister and be sensitive to her feelings. Her comments about my engagement being rushed and me not appearing to be happy about being pregnant were hurtful and unnecessary. I have no plans to confront her about her comments at the weekend, I asked for advice about how best to deal with comments going forward.

OP posts:

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