Splitting of finances issue

[ToscaredofAibu]

This is a bit of an AIBU but last time I went there I was attacked by a pack of wolves so hoping to get more sane advice here.
Brief background - I have been with DP 5 years, for the last two years we have lived together in his home country, before that we lived in the UK but separately. I earn between 1/3 and 1/4 of what he earns in a month (dependent on bonuses etc) and i'm finding myself more and more resentful of how things are split. I pay 1/3 of the rent and household bills which is fine where the problem is with food bills. He expects me to pay 50% of all food and extras which would be fine if he was willing to work to my budget but he expects to eat to the standard he wants and me to pay half, I do all the cooking I could easily make food I can afford 50% of but it would involve sacrificing things like beef, expensive cheese, fancy coffee etc. He is unwilling to do this and believes because I only pay 1/3 of the rent and he funds extras such as meals out that I should be happy to pay 50% of the food.
Doing this means 100% of my wages each month go on food + rent, I have absolutely nothing left. I owe my parents about 2000 pound which was what it cost for me to relocate and although they are telling me just to pay it when I can I hate owing anybody money. DP is militant about budgeting he keeps track of every penny spent and says this is because he is saving to buy us a house etc. and that I should support this but honestly it drives me mad when once a month i'm presented with a list of everything that's been spent and expected to produce half of it. Often the half is more than I have earnt that month (freelance) so it gets filtered over to next month and slowly every month the debt to him is getting bigger.
The resentment is made worse by the fact my earning potential has been hugely sacrificed by moving here, it costs me about 1/5 of my wages to fund my visa and the fact I don't have a penny left over at the end of the month means a trip home to see friends and family is impossible. Pre-covid we had been planning a trip and it was made clear I would be paying for my own ticket despite it costing a months salary for me.

Move back to the UK.

He is mean with money (and unfair) and likely to be mean in other ways too...

Leave him. You can have no future with someone like this.

Right now I would start shopping and cooking for yourself only and just tell him you can't afford to eat as he does so let's just do it separately.

He will be inconvenienced in time and he will find his Bill higher than the 50% when it was a shared cost too (economies of scale).

He sounds quite awful.

It doesn't make sense to be saving while spending a fortune on groceries but that doesn't sound like the biggest issue.

Honestly he is wonderful in many ways and I don't think he does it to be mean I think he is just ignorant of how much stress it is placing on me but we never manage to discuss it without me getting upset.
He earns enough that he can pay his 50% of the groceries and put away a reasonable amount into savings each month which is great I appreciate him planning for the future but it also feels a bit like he can afford to do this because i'm subsidizing his eating habits

Honestly I would now start making plans to move back to the UK and end this relationship. This is what he is like and this will be your life going forward if you stay. You're being controlled within this financially and such is abusive from him. Such men do not change. You really did make a mistake here in relocating to his home nation (which continent are you now on?) but you can and now should undo that by returning to the UK. I would think and at least hope that your parents would be supportive.

This comment of yours re him is also chilling:-

"DP is militant about budgeting he keeps track of every penny spent and says this is because he is saving to buy us a house etc. and that I should support this but honestly it drives me mad when once a month i'm presented with a list of everything that's been spent and expected to produce half of it".

That's an example of control right there. Whose name too will this house purchase be in, will he put that in just his sole name?. What are women's legal rights like in this country?.

The only fair thing to do is to just sort your own meals and shopping as a PP said.

Just of of interest, how much is the difference between 1/3 and 1/2 of the food bill?

He sounds awful and he sounds like he doesn’t respect you. Will your earnings go up any time soon? If not you are always going to be in a weak position.

I imagine if you have children they will be your cost to bear, if you work you will have to pay for childcare, at best he will pay 50:50 and no doubt he will expect you to contribute in maternity leave at the same rate as usual...

He doesn't even see the visa cost as being a shared cost!!!!

"Honestly he is wonderful in many ways and I don't think he does it to be mean"

Oh but he is and he is doing this because he can. He is both mean with money and love and uses his increased earnings against you. Being in his home country now as you are gives him a lot more power as well; he knows you're a long way from family and friends in the UK.

I would read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft; this man is in those pages.

@StephenBelafonte The difference is probably about 150 pounds, the issue is not me wanting to pay 1/3 even that would probably be to much. It is that I could easily survive on groceries which cost 1/2 of what we are spending and that wouldn't be me living on beans or rice either.

He is not wonderful, he is awful, and you really don't want to live the rest of your life like this. It will only get worse if you have children.

Read the book pp has suggested and start preparing to return to UK.

Nothing wonderful about him

@RandomMess the fact he doesn't view the visa as a shared cost is something that really bugs me, the cost of my visa for the year is the same amount he puts away in savings each month.

@MoreLikeThis i'm hoping over the next few years my earnings will go up, they're currently very low because people are hesitant to employ a straight off the plane immigrant but although they should increase the chances are my earning potential here will always be lower than my earning potential would be in the UK

Its not working out and you've been sold a promise by him that he has not ultimately kept. He regards your visa cost too as your own to bear. This is not a good person you are with. He wants to eat like a king whilst at the same time saving for a house (which he will also regard as his); how does that equate at all to being fair?.

My guess too that you are now in a country as well where women's rights legally are not as good as those accorded to men. You really do not want to spend the rest of your life like this at all.

Which continent are you now on?.

**once a month i'm presented with a list of everything that's been spent and expected to produce half of it. Often the half is more than I have earnt that month (freelance) so it gets filtered over to next month and slowly every month the debt to him is getting bigger.

Hon this is financial abuse. He's moved you to another country away from your home and support network. He's also making sure you have no financial independence and putting you in 'debt' to him. He controls every penny so you can do nothing without him.
You need to gather as many funds as you can and get yourself home. I don't have much experience in this area but I'm sure someone will be along shortly with some practical advice.
Trust me this isn't right, do your parents/friends know what he's doing, have you spoken to them about it? Xx

Wow that's a big difference.

Maths isn't my strongest point but I'm estimating then that you spend £600 on food. For 2 people? Is that right? Coz that is a lot of money for someone on a budget to spend.

Hate to tell you OP he isn’t saving to buy a joint house, he’s saving to buy himself a house and quite frankly if you aren’t married you will be screwed. He’s tight and selfish- either speak with him and demand a financial overhaul or you may as well go home and fund yourself with the ability to dictate what you buy.

Agree the house will be in his name only. Next he'll be telling you he wants a baby.

What are your thoughts on marriage?

Another take is this is just RUDE and inconsiderate of him to behave like this.
Look. I have quite a few very able friends who for various reasons earn much less than me. I don't insist they come on holiday with me or that we go out together to some expensive restaurant! We do stuff together that can fit in everyone's budget!
This applies regardless of whether they could get better paying jobs or not.
It sounds as though your DP lacks empathy - has he never ever been short of cash himself? Found it hard to get work?
(Btw had you hoped you would have more work coming in? )

Long term if your earning potential is going to remain very different and you can't or don't want to (that's ok!) change that, this relationship is not going to be ideal.

If it were someone who said, "If we were living on your wages we'd be eating xyz which would cost A, so you put half of A into the joint pot and I'll make up the difference because I like nice stuff, I can afford it, it's my choice and I know you won't take the piss" then that would be another matter.

A lot of people do break up over money so it is super important.

I haven't mentioned it to anybody, my family think he's great as do my friends and I don't want to cause my family stress so they think its all grand.
The food bill is between 600-800 each month including house stuff, toiletries etc. We are in Africa, its possible to live very cheaply but if you want imported goods you pay for them for example a block of European cheese can easily be 15$, Italian olive oil 20$ etc. he doesn't see the issue with buying these things because he still manages to save 1000$ or more each month, on the other hand its taking up 70% of my wages and the other 30% are going on rent

£800 a month in Africa to feed 2 people? I'd be telling him to fuck right off and buy his own food. That's shocking

@BigMetalPebbles I don't think he has ever really lacked cash or work for any extended period of time. He is used to living this lifestyle and sees no reason to change it.
I had hoped to be earning more and corona has definitely put a spanner in the works as many expats have fled and won't be returning meaning people are even more hesitant to hire a foreigner.
I agree with how you should say it will work at the bottom of your post, I would buy what we actually need and I can afford and then if he wants the fancier versions or luxuries he buys them or makes up the difference.
I think I will prepare to sit down and talk with him, I am a terrible communicator and its possible I haven't helped myself by not brining this up sooner and just letting it carry on while getting more and more resentful. I will present you suggestion of what is fair i.e I will now be shopping to my budget if you want additional luxuries you are expected to fund them and see what his reaction is, I guess how he reacts will tell me a lot about the original motives of doing things this way

Please also tell him that you think it is very unfair that he doesn't take into account your visa cost when you are only there to be with him and your earnings have taken a massive hit. Also ask him to wipe your "debt" to him as you can't repay it!!!

If his attitude remains the same then seriously please leave. You need a fund big enough to fly home.