Splitting of finances issue

[ToscaredofAibu]

This is a bit of an AIBU but last time I went there I was attacked by a pack of wolves so hoping to get more sane advice here.
Brief background - I have been with DP 5 years, for the last two years we have lived together in his home country, before that we lived in the UK but separately. I earn between 1/3 and 1/4 of what he earns in a month (dependent on bonuses etc) and i'm finding myself more and more resentful of how things are split. I pay 1/3 of the rent and household bills which is fine where the problem is with food bills. He expects me to pay 50% of all food and extras which would be fine if he was willing to work to my budget but he expects to eat to the standard he wants and me to pay half, I do all the cooking I could easily make food I can afford 50% of but it would involve sacrificing things like beef, expensive cheese, fancy coffee etc. He is unwilling to do this and believes because I only pay 1/3 of the rent and he funds extras such as meals out that I should be happy to pay 50% of the food.
Doing this means 100% of my wages each month go on food + rent, I have absolutely nothing left. I owe my parents about 2000 pound which was what it cost for me to relocate and although they are telling me just to pay it when I can I hate owing anybody money. DP is militant about budgeting he keeps track of every penny spent and says this is because he is saving to buy us a house etc. and that I should support this but honestly it drives me mad when once a month i'm presented with a list of everything that's been spent and expected to produce half of it. Often the half is more than I have earnt that month (freelance) so it gets filtered over to next month and slowly every month the debt to him is getting bigger.
The resentment is made worse by the fact my earning potential has been hugely sacrificed by moving here, it costs me about 1/5 of my wages to fund my visa and the fact I don't have a penny left over at the end of the month means a trip home to see friends and family is impossible. Pre-covid we had been planning a trip and it was made clear I would be paying for my own ticket despite it costing a months salary for me.

@RandomMess I will bring that up also, If his reaction is the wrong one I will start planning to leave. A months wages should buy me a flight so I guess I will just refuse to send him a penny in January and use the money to get home.
I am hoping this works out, I love him very much and all other aspects of our relationship are great but everyone who has posted is right I cannot live like this and i'm glad its not just me who thinks its unfair that I am building debt while he saves thousands and lives the highlife.

Please leave him. He's not wonderful. He is abusive as and using your wages to feather his nest effectively with no reduction in standard of living.

Re: the food thing. I would just say I can't afford such luxurious choices so you should each buy and cook your own food from now on. That might help a bit until you can escape.

Yes, it's financially abusive.

If your chat goes badly, you do need to leave. Otherwise you're going to end up in a real mess.

And while you love him, you've got to question the love of a man who would see you struggle rather than not have imported cheese 🧀 , or pay for it himself . It's no use pouring your love into an unbalanced relationship. Love is an action, not just a feeling.

I don't spend that much to feed 4 adults in London !

OP,

He is NOT a good man.

You have made a mistake moving to Africa with him.

Don't compound the mistake by putting up with this.

If you do, you have a miserable stressful life ahead of you.

That is an obscene amount of money to spen on food in a country like Africa.

He knows well what he is doing.

You are being financially abused.

Move home and don't pay the selfish mean twat a penny back.

He is intelligent enough to hold down a high-paying job, then he is intelligent enough to know he's profiting from you funding his high-end lifestyle. He knows.

Also his "saving for the future" , while you're unmarried or it's into his own account alone, is not saving for both of you. As said, you're subsidising his lifestyle to your own detriment and have zero claim on the money he's stashing away in the meantime.

£800 a mont( in Africa? Can you not do the shopping and change what you buy ?

That is an obscene amount of money to spen on food in a country like Africa.

Africa is not a country.

OP, why hasn’t he set up a direct debit for his credit card? That avoids forgetting, late charges and damage to his credit rating. I’m crap at organising and remembering so I have mine set to pay the minimum payment, so when I forget it doesn’t actually matter.

I do the shopping usually but I take his bank card because mine rarely has enough in it. If I come home without the luxuries or with cheaper versions of things he will moan.
I agree it is an obscene amount of money and I could do it got 400 with minimal sacrifices but also a lot of posters assuming firstly Africa is one giant country where everything is the same and secondly it's cheap. I am in a major city cost of living is not cheap and while we could survive on 50 a month if we wanted to my wages aren't so low to need it.
The issue is he is expecting me to live beyond my means

@SimonJT sorry I don't understand what you mean? There is no credit card involved we are just using regular debit cards

[quote ToscaredofAibu]@SimonJT sorry I don't understand what you mean? There is no credit card involved we are just using regular debit cards[/quote]
Sorry, I got confused and posted part of an answer for another thread in here. The second part was meant for a completely different thread.

, I got confused and posted part of an answer for another thread in here. The second part was meant for a completely different thread.

And the first part was an unnecessarily patronising remark so you haven't actually helped the OP much here lol

You have made all the sacrifices in this relationship and continue to do so. He is back in his home country and you have all the expense associated with that - cut off at the knees work wise, expensive visa costs, no ability to travel home to see family and friends. The only sacrifice he is making is to pay slightly more in rent but that is quite common anyway when one person out earns the other.

He is showing you who he is so do not whatever you do get pregnant. On the basis of what he has shown you thus far bringing a child into this set up would not end well and you would have even less options available to you than you do now. Finding it difficult to discuss and you getting upset should show him how much this is all affecting you. I would suggest a very frank discussion on household finances with visa costs and a flight home being a household rather than individual cost even if he needs to bear the larger financial burden of this. They are a requirement in order for you to be together in the same way as having somewhere to live is.

The food/luxuries issue is a separate matter relating more to how compatible you are. If he is a spender and you aren't, or rather you are someone who is happy to make the best of what you've got and he can't then maybe you aren't as compatible as you think. Over time this will move into other areas - gifts for each other, housing, what any DC do and don't get. Don't underestimate how much a difference in attitude, particularly where money is concerned, can have on a relationship.

He sounds selfish and mean. The only puzzle is what you find attractive about that. You are being way too amenable. Were you taught to just expect crumbs, growing up, or that you weren’t much value?

I suppose you could have the conversation about finances, but can you really talk to a human spreadsheet?

If I were you I’d be planning my exit quietly and to your advantage, be it coming home or whatever.

Just leave. This is not going to get any better. The chances are it will get worse. Can't believe you are now in debt to him. This is dreadful.

This is bad financial abuse.

You are going to get more and more “in debt” to him as time goes on. If he knew you were going to leave, you would have to pay off this “debt” before you could come back to the Uk. Under his rules you would never afford to do this.

Please consider leaving.

If he concedes with regards to the finances be careful he doesn't try and control you in some other way. You are asking for fair treatment, nothing more nothing less.

I'm not sure you should give him a heads up you're planning on leaving. It's quite possible he'll try and stop you citing this debt. You really need to speak with your family, if you were my daughter I'd buy you a ticket this afternoon xx

Honestly he is wonderful in many ways

Yeah yeah, he's a prince, he's amazing, the problem is that you're a bad communicator and nothing to do with him being a self-obsessed twat who earns megabucks without understanding how money works, whatever. Now get out of there and leave him to his fancy cheeses and whatnot, and find someone who actually cares about you and your life, and isn't happy to see you with literally fuck all as long as he's got 50% of his Tibetan goat shit coffee from you despite the clear fact you can't afford it and he really, really can.

Mean with money, mean with love.