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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I messed up...

60 replies

SoS1234 · 06/12/2020 15:12

Quite a long story so thank you to who read and give any advice. My partner and i have been together about 7 years. I made one mistake about 5 years ago where i developed an emotional relationship with someone i met online at times it got sexual when we spoke, i am not at all condoning my behaviour but we never met up in real life. My partner was never at home despite not having a job and yes i got lonely. I did split from partner and told him truth but he said he could forgive me so we gave it another try. On the day he forgave me i felt like he was making me prove i loved him and earn his forgivness by giving the sexual requests he wanted that i denied up until that point as those things were a no go for me. But i did it because he made me feel i had to do it as relationship was at stake. I also had a girly day trip away with friends that he knew about he knew it was planned with them but because of the situation he said 'you can forget about the day trip now your not allowed to go'. So i didnt go cuz i thought he was right that i didnt deserve to go and cuz he said i couldnt be trusted. So now we are where we are now and i feel like im still being punished all the put downs the temper tantrums, being moaned at for going out, the silent treatment if i do go out. Feel like i cant speak or spend time with anyone else without him thinking something. The contstant texts while im at work or not at home. I understand its my fault hes like this but now i wish he didnt forgive me and we stayed split up cuz this is feeling kinda brutal and this is 5 years on i feel like im losing myself. I know there isnt any advice you guys can give but maybe a handhold, i made one mistake and i feel like shit everyday

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 06/12/2020 15:32

Run as fast as you can.

If someone forgives bad behaviour it should be forgiven. Not brought up or used to get your own way. That's abuse and manipulation.

Please leave. I've been in a similar situation and it doesn't get easier.

HollowTalk · 06/12/2020 15:34

He's horrible. Leave him as fast as you can.

And why wasn't he at home if he wasn't working? Was he living off you? I wonder whether you know the truth about what he was up to.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 06/12/2020 15:37

Think back to before you had this emotional affair - was he abusing you too then?

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 06/12/2020 15:39

Because that’s what he’s doing now. He also sexually assaulted you.

Your relationship was already awful.

You don’t need his forgiveness, you need to forgive yourself and rip off the sack-cloth and ashes he has forced upon you.

You deserve far far far far better than this prick

user1481840227 · 06/12/2020 15:39

He didn't forgive you. He just agreed to stay together.

You already know that he hasn't forgiven you and you can't change his behaviour or how he treats you...so you need to take control here and end the relationship.

FinallyHere · 06/12/2020 15:41

Run. Run as fast as you can.

Be glad that he has shown you what he is like before you have had children with him.

Good luck.

user1274245 · 06/12/2020 15:41

No. It is not your fault he is abusing you.

This is coercive control and it is a crime.

Women's Aid. Freedom Programme. Police.

Leave. Leave him.

Original poster
SoS1234 · 06/12/2020 15:45

I believed i made a mistake and this is the repercussions of it. And now he doesnt say much about about it but whenever weve argued he will make it clear i messed up once maybe its a red flag i should have been aware of cuz its like he will use it as an exuse to say and does what he likes. And he was aways away all the time doing drugs and drinking didnt want me going out cuz he was 'ill' the morning after. I supported him with money

OP posts:
Original poster
SoS1234 · 06/12/2020 15:50

I cant quite remember before that we argued over trivial stuff like everyone else

OP posts:
Original poster
SoS1234 · 06/12/2020 15:55

If im honest. I did try to split with him good few months ago cuz of how unhappy im feeling but he says he derserves forgivness like he forgived me. It resulted in him snapping his phone and not wanting to leave and him saying ive got nowhere to go which is true with all this covid. I feel empty most days

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C0RA · 06/12/2020 15:56

@SoS1234 what do you think about the posters who are telling you to leave because you are being abused ? Do you agree with them ?

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 06/12/2020 15:59

No, lovely. He doesn’t deserve forgiveness. He was abusing you way way way before you sought comfort.

Please get away from this man. He made you perform sex acts he KNEW you didn’t want to do. Much like my ex-husband did.

Please leave him. Before there is nothing left of you

Opentooffers · 06/12/2020 16:04

Not your fault at all, stop blaming yourself, he's a control freak, likely always was before anything you did. So while you were left on your own, even though he wasn't working, what do you think he was up to? Have you even thought about that?
You seem to be blinded by guilt to everything he's done wrong. 7 years in a shit relationship, just move on, don't have kids with him/ and more kids as he's got too much hold as it is. You should of dumped him 5 years ago, on grounds of him being a shit boyfriend and leaving you lonely, for no good reason.

pog100 · 06/12/2020 16:06

He is an abusive, controlling prick and always was. Get out and stay out. You sound young. Enjoy your rest of your life.

Buttercream22 · 06/12/2020 16:07

I echo the other posters. Leave and leave now!! He is abusing and controling you.
You don't owe this vile, vile man your forgiveness, he's using it as a way of manipulating and controling you.

Original poster
SoS1234 · 06/12/2020 16:09

@C0RA I dont know what to think tbh. Every time hes got angry its cause he says he loves me. Everything hes broke he says he cant help it its an impulse he doesnt know why. I dont know what to think ive spoke to my brother about this but he listens but he doeant knkw what to say

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Original poster
SoS1234 · 06/12/2020 16:12

@Opentooffers i know he was out doing drink and drugs. It happened that often i didnt care anymore then the lonliness kicked in. But he said i wasnt allowed to talk about it or be angry because he was angry at himself for going out and doing them things.

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Original poster
SoS1234 · 06/12/2020 16:15

Then i told him the truth what i put in first post and now he refuses to go out he doesnt like people and its cuz of me hes said that. I do feel responsible.

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 06/12/2020 16:15

[quote SoS1234]@C0RA I dont know what to think tbh. Every time hes got angry its cause he says he loves me. Everything hes broke he says he cant help it its an impulse he doesnt know why. I dont know what to think ive spoke to my brother about this but he listens but he doeant knkw what to say[/quote]
Nearly all abusers would say that the reason they do what they do is because they love you so much, they would also say they can't control themselves and can't help themselves.

It doesn't matter if you believe that what you did 5 years ago was what triggered this in him. It's still not ok.

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2020 16:15

Op,you don’t need his permission to end it. Whose name is the home in?

nancybotwinbloom · 06/12/2020 16:16

Get out now.

You made a mistake. You told him.

It was a long time ago.

Your mistake does not give him the right to now control you or make you suffer until he sees fit.

Get away from him please as if you don't this is your life until you change it.

He's not worth it. He sounds like everything he does that's wrong is blamed on your mistake five years ago and he isnt taking responsibility for his actions or behaviour.

Immature and selfish at best, Sadistic and immature at worst.

Original poster
SoS1234 · 06/12/2020 16:19

@Bluntness100 I dont think i have it in me to tell him to leave again cuz of the drama the exhaustion of going round in circles. I do 100% want to leave but it seems awful without telling him. House is in my name

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/12/2020 16:25

Then do you have support? Someone you could have round when you tell him? Who could be there when he moves out?

Becayse ultimately op it’s a choice, live your life being abused and let it get worse and worse, or kick him the fuck out.

category12 · 06/12/2020 16:29

I did try to split with him good few months ago cuz of how unhappy im feeling but he says he derserves forgivness like he forgived me

Except his "forgiveness" is a complete lie. He has never forgiven you - instead he's used it as a weapon to make you perform sexual acts you don't like and aren't interested in, and has used it to control you. That is not forgiveness. That's abuse.

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2020 16:36

Forgive ness is also not a tit for tat thing. You don’t owe him anything, that’s not how it works. And as category said, he didn’t forgive you, he uses it as a stick to beat you with,

Your brother doesn’t know what to say because unless you act no one can help you.

You can try speaking to women’s aid to get help. The police will also help if you want him out. It’s your home.

But ultimately it’s you that needs to drive it, and it’s a straight out choice, get this piece of shit out, or continue to be abused my him and have a shit unhappy life.