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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I messed up...

60 replies

SoS1234 · 06/12/2020 15:12

Quite a long story so thank you to who read and give any advice. My partner and i have been together about 7 years. I made one mistake about 5 years ago where i developed an emotional relationship with someone i met online at times it got sexual when we spoke, i am not at all condoning my behaviour but we never met up in real life. My partner was never at home despite not having a job and yes i got lonely. I did split from partner and told him truth but he said he could forgive me so we gave it another try. On the day he forgave me i felt like he was making me prove i loved him and earn his forgivness by giving the sexual requests he wanted that i denied up until that point as those things were a no go for me. But i did it because he made me feel i had to do it as relationship was at stake. I also had a girly day trip away with friends that he knew about he knew it was planned with them but because of the situation he said 'you can forget about the day trip now your not allowed to go'. So i didnt go cuz i thought he was right that i didnt deserve to go and cuz he said i couldnt be trusted. So now we are where we are now and i feel like im still being punished all the put downs the temper tantrums, being moaned at for going out, the silent treatment if i do go out. Feel like i cant speak or spend time with anyone else without him thinking something. The contstant texts while im at work or not at home. I understand its my fault hes like this but now i wish he didnt forgive me and we stayed split up cuz this is feeling kinda brutal and this is 5 years on i feel like im losing myself. I know there isnt any advice you guys can give but maybe a handhold, i made one mistake and i feel like shit everyday

OP posts:
Original poster
SoS1234 · 06/12/2020 17:02

I really do want to end it. This relationship feels miserable. Ive also been putting the issues down to drug use or the lack of rather, hes only like this with nothing in his system. I guess thats been reasoning to being blind to it. I know what i have to do its just a struggle how, when, ill get emotional. I feel like im not supposed to tell him to leave if nothing has triggered it, i dont know how he will react if i say abuse

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 06/12/2020 17:09

I feel like im not supposed to tell him to leave if nothing has triggered it, i dont know how he will react if i say abuse

For this alone, it's obvious that the right thing for you to do is to get him out of your house. You v owe him nothing, you get to decide who lives in your house.

The whole drama/going round in circles is to try and distract you from how horrible he is. He knows that in your right mind you wouldn't give him house room. He doesn't deserve you but he's manipulating you so that he can stay and be in control, too.

Don't pay any attention to what he says. Watch very closely what he does.

Good luck.

Audreyseyebrows · 06/12/2020 17:10

Every time hes got angry its cause he says he loves me

The words of an abuser.

You don’t have to live like this. Do you have any real life support other than your brother?

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2020 17:18

You don’t need to say abuse. You can just say I don’t wish to continue this relationship any more and I want you to move out. You can say any shit you want, including I think I’m gay. You can lie say anything you wants say it’s not him it’s you. He’s been great, but you don’t wish to continue as you are unable to feel loved Then leave the room, do not discuss it. Give him a timeline if required, get someone round with you whilst you do it., say anything you think he will buy. Just get him out.

Original poster
SoS1234 · 06/12/2020 17:19

@Audreyseyebrows I sort of lost the relationship with my few and only friends because its arguments with him when i see them or he says there a bad influence or they manipulate me for money even though its me that offers if there struggle. So i stopped with the exuses as to why i wouldnt see them and just stopped contact . My mom is for the same reasons and she doesnt like him so wouldnt see me while hes here. And my brother supports a family member who suffered a stroke so hes up to his eyeballs without the added stress of me

OP posts:
Dery · 06/12/2020 17:23

“I feel like im not supposed to tell him to leave if nothing has triggered it, i dont know how he will react if i say abuse”

You don’t owe him a relationship. Unless you have children together (which you don’t), you don’t have to have a reason to end a relationship. The fact that you are unhappy is enough. He could be the loveliest guy in the world but if you weren’t feeling it, that would be a reason to end it.

What you are describing is seriously abusive behaviour. Abuse doesn’t have to involve physical violence. Psychological and emotional violence is abuse. What you are describing is psychological and emotional violence. One thing abusers have in common is that nothing is ever their fault and you’re not allowed to be angry about their shitty behaviour. Actually, the way he’s behaving is his fault and you are allowed to be angry. The fact he behaves well some of the time is nothing - no-one is abusive all the time. But with a non-abusive partner, the bad times are just a bit meh. You may be a bit irritated with each other. But this guy is inflicting emotional, psychological and sexual violence on you. He is abusive.

You need to get rid. Do NOT confront him when you are alone - he may well try to hurt you. Could your brother or your parents come to stay with you for a while? They can help you to get him gone. You could tell the police also. Coercive control (what he’s been doing) is a crime. I think you would be able to get a non-molestation order against him too.

You might also find it helpful to read “Why Does He Do This?” and “Women Who Love Too Much”. You will need counselling also so that you can learn what is a healthy relationship and what isn’t (this isn’t). He never forgave you, btw. If he had, he would not still be using what you did against you.

Dery · 06/12/2020 17:25

So he isolated you - another key abuse tactic. Reach out to your mother and your friends. Someone will help. Explain you need help to leave.

category12 · 06/12/2020 18:13

You don't need to say abuse to him. You don't need to challenge him on his behaviour at all - in fact I would strongly advise you not to. It's really not safe.

You don't need a big new reason to break it off with him. You've been unhappy for a long time, you don't want to go on with the relationship any longer. That's enough reason. That's enough explanation.

You yourself need to understand that he's been treating you abusively, but it's no point telling him, he's not going to turn around and agree.

nancybotwinbloom · 06/12/2020 18:30

Is he a coke head?

Original poster
SoS1234 · 06/12/2020 18:36

@nancybotwinbloom He was back then but then it turned to weed addiction

OP posts:
Milliepossum · 06/12/2020 18:47

OP, it’s ok to get rid of him. You need time to yourself without him there messing up your head. Everything he does is his choice, you aren’t responsible, nor is he your problem to fix. You need to fix you. Get this sleaze out of your life and then you’ll eventually feel happy.

Milliepossum · 06/12/2020 18:50

I don’t know what the rules over there are but it seems the best place to start is to call women’s aid and the police. Once you do this things will start happening and you will get control of your life back.

user1481840227 · 06/12/2020 18:55

At the end of the day it doesn't matter anymore what the reasons behind his behaviour are. It doesn't matter if you making that mistake 2 years in might have triggered some of this side of him. It doesn't matter that he said he'd forgive you and didn't..or that he thinks that he deserves forgiveness for whatever he does. It doesn't matter if it's drugs or drink or whatever. None of that stuff matters.

What matters is that you are in a horrible situation that needs to end. It is not good for you and needs to end.
This could get far worse than it is now and you will look back at this time and wish you had ended it.

You were brave enough to post about it now because you know you want out. Please do the right thing for yourself and end this.

nancybotwinbloom · 06/12/2020 19:27

Op I say this as a casual user I'd weed myself.

By casual I mean about once a month. When my DD isn't here.

If his use is affecting his lifestyle and your relationship it's time to get rid.

Stoners are not people who are ready for relationships. Stoners are lazy. No time for no one except getting stoned. Then they are out of action for days. Because they are stoned and have stone overs. Like a hangover.

I've nothing against recreational use, same as for alcohol but neither should affect your life, job, relationships
Etc. If it is affecting these areas of his life and other propel I.e you, he has a problem.

For me a couple of pulls on a joint or vape is me laughing at a films and prob eating too many Doritos. It's not making my partner feel shit or insecure. If it's affecting your life which it sounds like it is, fuck him off. He's not being responsible about his use (

nancybotwinbloom · 06/12/2020 19:36

Also. It costs a lot of money!

If he's smoking constantly that is about £300 - £400 a month.

Just no. Pack him in. Get rid of him. He brings nothing to you that is positive does he.

Ask yourself honestly, what are you getting from this and what are you losing?

Peace of mind, confidence, self esteem etc. A good person would never make you feel like this.

Original poster
SoS1234 · 06/12/2020 19:47

@nancybotwinbloom Yes its very costly. Im in crippling debt all the debt is in my name. Most days i feel like theres a brick weighing me down i think im on the verge of depression with it all. I think the biggest emotional fuck is when he has it he can be lovely. But when he doesnt its like being on eggshells, thinking ive done something wrong, cant talk to him about real problems without him making them seem like there nothing. Being spoken to like im a piece of crap. Using the wrong tone of voice will make him flip. Sometimes i genuinely feel i cant cope but i cant predict the mood so i dont speak about it

OP posts:
SoloJazz · 06/12/2020 20:02

Does he leave home? Get someone to change the locks in advance. Get his stuff in bags and leave outside for him to collect. Text him that your relationship is over and he can pick up his belongings. You don't need to give a reason but if you must, say you aren't happy and don't want to continue to be with him. Tell him that you will call police if he he tries to get in. And do so.

nancybotwinbloom · 06/12/2020 20:09

You need to talk to women's aid.

Is this your house?
Is he on The mortgage/tenancy?

Do you have someone to support you whilst you TELL him to leave. Not ask.

Original poster
SoS1234 · 06/12/2020 20:12

@SoloJazz He doesnt go out often maybe once or twice a month unless its to the shop 2 mins away

OP posts:
Original poster
SoS1234 · 06/12/2020 20:13

@nancybotwinbloom the house is in my name

OP posts:
SoloJazz · 06/12/2020 20:22

Once or twice a month is enough. You only need to do it once and it will be over.

DianeChambers · 06/12/2020 20:32

He needs to leave. Phone women's aid too as this is abuse. If he threatens you or refuses to go, phone the police. Take his key. Then block
Him.

nancybotwinbloom · 06/12/2020 20:33

Phone women's aid. If you are genuinely worried he won't leave or harm you, phone them for advice.

Have you brother there when you tell him to leave.
Have someone there when you tell him and he gets his things together.

I'd also take a trip the police station and make them aware if you think he may be violent or come back. They may have good advice.

nancybotwinbloom · 06/12/2020 20:34

Change your locks.
Change your wifi password and anything else he may know.

Opentooffers · 07/12/2020 22:10

Next time he's out, change the locks, pack his bags, leave them outside. If he kicks off phone the police, you need to get this abusive man out of your life.