Seeing a few friendship posts today has made me think it might be helpful for me to get advice on something bothering me.
I have 3 friends and we have been close for 13 years now. We have annual weekend staycations and also try and do an abroad holiday every year, but usually it’s 3 of 4 that can make the abroad trips - almost always money or not enough leave stops a fourth from joining.
Friend A got married last year, and Friend B, Friend C and I went all out to make it special. She planned a huge hen with 20 girls from different friend groups (which would have been a nightmare for me personally...) and we were the only 3 to make the effort and go. There were two others who came too.
For her wedding the three of us stayed with her the night before with her family and bridal party (even though two of us weren’t in the bridal party) and made it a special night for her. We then pooled together for a joint wedding gift that was £750 split between the three of us.
My point is we went out of our way to make her feel special when she got married.
I was meant to have my wedding this year, during first lockdown, but naturally, I had to cancel. DH (then fiancé) and I spent ages agonising over what to do - TBH DH said he would do whatever I want. He never wanted the big huge wedding and was only doing that for me. Eventually, I realised it could be a whole year, minimum, before we can have my dream wedding so we decided to have a mini covid wedding instead.
In July, I messaged the group to tell them we’re planning a wedding for September, date and location TBC but watch this space. A messaged me the very next day to say that her and her DH probably won’t be able to come because of the virus. Not going to lie, the message upset me. I appreciated her telling me in advance but I hadn’t even planned anything yet for her to tell me she won’t come, and also she assumed her DH would be coming too when numbers were very limited. I just told her I appreciate the heads up as it helps with the planning.
Just a few days later, she was posting on her Instagram about a weekend away she was on with DH in Cornwall (we’re in London so it’s quite a distance). The following weekend, it was posts about meeting friends. A few days later she was in a pub garden and then a restaurant. The weekend after that, it was posts about another weekend away with another couple.
Being honest, it annoyed me that she immediately bailed on my wedding when I didn’t even have any plans yet she was out and about socialising.
I finally booked my wedding in August, to take place in Scotland at the end of September, as DH is Scottish and his parents are elderly so they understandably weren’t comfortable travelling to London. I didn’t tell her about the wedding. Invited B & C but didn’t mention it to her. At the end of August, she messaged me to ask what’s happening with the wedding (our last conversation about it was when she said she probably won’t come). I told her it’s booked for a month’s time. She apparently was upset I hadn’t told her and started complaining to B and C about it. They told her to talk to me so she did.
We talked about it, and she said she’s hurt I didn’t invite her. I told her she already told me she won’t come. She said she said probably won’t come, not definitely, and if she was updated she could have seen if she could have made it. I pointed out it was hurtful for her to immediately say she probably won’t come because of the virus, before I even had any plans, and then to see her out and about normally. Eventually, I told her if she can make it, there’s space for her. If she can’t, that’s fine, but she needs to let me know.
What she didn’t know, and what I should have told her, is that putting her on the list meant three of my cousins were off the list, as it was either her or three cousins (I couldn’t split the cousins up and make it her and two cousins, as that would cause drama in the family). Our numbers were limited to 20, including us and the photographer, so space was limited.
Early September she messaged to say she’s coming. I was so so happy I cried. My hurt over what had happened had gone because I was so pleased she would be there.
Throughout September, I messaged my friends at least two times saying if you don’t feel comfortable coming and you want to change your mind, that is completely fine, just let me know ASAP so we can give their space to others (was conscious my side had to travel from London to Scotland so didn’t want them to feel obliged). They all kept saying it’s fine.
Three days before the wedding, she messages me to ask if we can talk. I was busy doing wedding errands that day so told her I won’t have time to talk but she can message. She then said she doesn’t feel comfortable coming up for my wedding. She said she feels bad, and she had her outfit ready and everything, but she doesn’t feel comfortable travelling. I was too busy and too upset to have the conversation so just said thanks for letting me know, but some notice would have been appreciated.
She messaged me on the wedding day to say happy wedding day, etc. I didn’t respond as I was busy.
And that was the last contact I had from her until last weekend.
The other two were annoyed too and told me she had been telling them for at least a week beforehand that she was unsure about going. They kept telling her to speak to me about it, and she never did. She then told them that she would wait until the Tuesday, 4 days before the wedding, to see what the next wedding update was. Nicola Sturgeon was due to make a speech that day about new restrictions in Scotland. Luckily weddings were exempt but to me, that sounds like she would wait and see if my wedding would be cancelled again. As it wasn’t, she finally reached out to me to tell me she wasn’t coming.
That whole thing really really hurt me. My issue was not her being uncomfortable travelling during a pandemic (even though she had been doing that anyway) - I even gave her outs throughout September. My issue was her letting me know just 3 days beforehand, which meant we couldn’t invite someone in her place. It wasn’t about having numbers for the sake of it, but there were so many people we wanted there but couldn’t because it was limited to just 17 guests.
And then, she never messaged me again after the wedding day. She didn’t send me a card, didn’t send a gift, didn’t ask about the wedding and didn’t even like my photos on Facebook and Instagram (I know I sound petty with that but she’s on those two all the time). She was acting normal with the other two so it wasn’t that she was going through something. She just never reached out again.
I appreciated that she might think the ball is in my court because she messaged on my wedding day and I never responded, but I genuinely feel she should have reached out to make it right, or at least act normal, at the very least.
It was her birthday last weekend, and I very very reluctantly did the bigger person thing and sent her a happy bday message. That was the first contact since the wedding day. She responded to say “thank you, how are you”? I said, “all good, hope you’re well too.” And that’s been it.
That has been the only contact we have had after she cancelled just three days before.
And I do feel that as someone who had her wedding last year, she knows how stressful it can be and cancelling just three days before without any attempt to then make it right is not ok.
I just wanted thoughts on the above, and whether I’m being unreasonable or not!