Older MNers - how to cope with retirement?

[ReggieCat]

It isn't my retirement that's the problem - I'm busy and happily fulfilled, at least I was pre-lockdown when my 2 voluntary jobs went into hibernation but I've still kept busy.

DH was working but was furloughed because of his asthma and early COPD. WIthin the first 6 weeks he decided to resign. I appreciate his reasons - he was in a team of 3 and his absence left 2 people covering all the shifts and unable to have a few days off as the job needed 2 staff at all times and his employer need to be able to fill his post. So he resigned, which was fine as our finances allowed it.

But it's causing huge problems now. He has no hobbies. He isn't very sociable and tends to 'share' my friends with me. I feel trapped and don't think I can take much more. Between lockdown one and lockdown 2, I got back to meeting friends for coffee. I discouraged him from coming with me, but that meant he always wanted to come and meet me afterwards so I was expected to give him a time to 'collect' me.

This afternoon I was only going to a local shop, a 2 minute walk away and said I'd go alone. He stood at the open door to 'wave me off'.

If anyone phones me and he's in the same room he constantly interrupts with 'Have you told her about ... ' or 'Ask him ...' After one call that he didn't interrupt, I mentioned that my friend's mum was quite ill and he said he know because he can hear every word anyone says over my mobile and deliberately listens.

I've just secured a volunteer post to keep me busy (and give me a bit of respite) and he's talking about having lunch in town with me before I start my shift and collecting me as I finish so he can walk home with me.

I don't think I can take much more of this. I want some freedom and privacy back. I've tried to talk to him rationally about it but he seems to think this is what being married is about. If it is, then I don't want to be married any more.

Can anyone offer any wisdom or advice or just a handhold? I've spent a lot of this evening quietly crying at the prospect of another 20 years of this.

Tell him. You need some autonomy and if he can't deal with that, then it's game over.
I'm like you OP. I can't cope with 'needy', sorts who make it their life's work to 'manage' you......you are not put on this Earth to provide sustenance to people who can't cope with life. Be sympathetic. Be sensitive. But don't put your life on hold for those who have issues.

I can’t really advise. I hope someone can come along to help. You may get another prospective over on gransnet many of the posters on that site will have similar experiences. Good luck

"Fail to prepare, prepare to fail".

Retirement is like any other big life adjustment.

Those that prepare/plan for it have a better chance of thriving and a successful outcome.

Perhaps he could speak to a retirement planner.
I know my husband's company send all personnel on courses 2 years before retirement, to help prepare them for the transition.

Because it is a transition.
For the whole family.

The scenario you describe is one I'm familiar with through friends.

Women suddenly volunteering or getting a "little job" to get away from their husbands constant presence.

There is little as hideous as suddenly finding you are on the clock, your life curtailed, because you have a bored retired husband at home waiting for you to return and entertain him.
Even more horrific if he decided to shadow you.
OP, you will need to make a plan yourself.
Perhaps suggest an "outing day" where you head out together for the day.
Lay out your other plans and make it clear, that for this to work, he needs to make a plan that helps him enjoy his days.

Do not feel bad OP.......
Your post would give many women of a certain age,...... a real chill!🤣

Is there some volunteering he could do?

Do you live somewhere where he could go for walks on his own?

Are there jobs around the house he needs to do? Does he maintain the cars? Garden?

Does he cook? Shop? Do housework? Or is all that left to you?

You have my sympathy. If he were mine I'd be ordering a new patio (not joking)

Following with interest, I’m in exactly the same position OP, but further down the line. my husband retired nearly 4 years ago now and it’s been horrendous. He has no hobbies and no friends.
I’ve kept myself busy with friends and some volunteering, but lockdowns put a stop to that and has really highlighted to me how he constantly tries to “manage” me and my life. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he gets defensive and sulky.
I’m honestly thinking seriously about leaving him, I’m 65 and can’t bear the thought of years of this.

I am dreading when my husband retires because he has a very demanding job and I think he will be bored. He has got about 18 months to go and I have suggested he continues to work a couple of days a week. He likes that idea and I think he was feeling the same as I was. When I go shopping I see loads of couples doing the shopping together and I would hate that and I think we would have to shop alone because I cannot seeing it working. On the rare occasion my husband has come shopping with me I have ended up spending more than I usually would for. He decided to take day off recently and we went out to buy some Christmas light we ended up purchasing 3 sets! I didn't want that many but he has now decided to turn our house into Santa's Grotto! lol
Have you suggested he takes up a hobby or a part-time job?

for example missed a word out

He needs a P/T job and a volunteer position. What does he say when you suggest this to him?

'Retired' recently but lost my last job pre lockdown, so I'm used to doing nowt! I'm single, though and no one tries to manage my time. It must be horrendous having a shadow follow you everywhere.

I remember a former colleague with a retired husband who plagued her with calls after her shift ended, wanting to know how long it would be before she got home. I felt so glad then to be so free.

You need to sit him down and tell him to source ways to fill his time that don't involve you, with the odd day out together going places you enjoy.

I dread this too. I love my retirement, I walk, volunteer, do my hobbies, see friends etc. DH has now stopped working on a Friday and I now hate Fridays! On the clock is the perfect way of describing how I feel. What am I doing, where am I going? I mentioned I was thinking of making a quiche the other day - on Friday the first thing he said was "so are you making a quiche this morning". I've told him I don't need organising. I've told him I don't need him to find me jobs to do. He does play golf thank god, but weirdly if he arranges a game on a Friday he asks me at least twice if that's ok. Yes it's brilliant, just leave me alone!

My volunteer job isn't happening at the moment, which doesn't help, but when we go back I shall be signing up for every Friday shift!

Also, when I do yoga in the bedroom with the telly on, he leaves me alone. I'm doing lots of yoga lately!

highlighted to me how he constantly tries to “manage” me and my life. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he gets defensive and sulky.
I’m honestly thinking seriously about leaving him, I’m 65 and can’t bear the thought of years of this.

I'd want to leave a sulking manchild like that too! 65 is not too old to seek a better life.

I would hate that. The only long-term solution is to push him into hobbies and volunteer positions. Golf? Get him an allotment as a surprise. Would he be interested in becoming a magistrate?

I feel sorry for him, and for you, I hope you understand. It's ok to be him and it's ok to be you. This just sounds like a bad fit regarding the scale of independence and togetherness.

"How's it going since your husband retired?"
"Half the income, twice the husband!"

All these suggestions but OP has said when she tries talking to him he becomes sulky and defensive. I too would not tolerate a sulking manchild! Do you want to spend the rest of your precious life feeling suffocated and responsible for a manchild?

Tell him. My DH isn't quite as much of a limpet as yours, but it was heading that way (he's retired, I work P-T). So I told him I need time on my own and will continue to see my friends on my own. Obviously we do still have loooads of time together. He sucked it up like a grown up.

Working from home during lockdown has been an eyeopener for me and in some ways a test run for us both being at home after i retire next july. I can sympathise with your irritation at your DHs "neediness" as my DH (who is housebound due to ill health) hovers if I come out of my home office during working hours and drives me nuts. But it's because he's bored and his usual limited social interactions have been curtailed to just me and his carers. I deliberately work elsewhere 1 day a week just to get a break! I'm not sure how it'll go when i dont have 9-5 work next year so am already making a list of a few things i'd like to join to get us both out of the house and give us something to talk about, COVID allowing!
Can you encourage your DH to join any local groups online (painting, choir, history, U3A, quizzing, online classes maybe a computer class to get up to speed) or that may start up again in real life outside lockdown? Would he volunteer at a local foodbank or other charity? Does he garden - would he get an allotment? Does he have a skill or interest he could share with others?
Finding a "role" after retirement is so important to give a focus and reason to get out bed in the morning, especially when travel and social family get togethers have been so limited this year.
Do talk to him about how it makes you feel and encourage him to try new things to meet new people. Shrinking social interaction and not learning new things is so ageing in retirement.
Good luck to you both!

You have my sympathy, OP - MiL had to micromanage FiL through the first year of his retirement which, like your DH, was unplanned (redundancy at 62).

He had spent his entire adult life working longish hours with a long commute and just hadn't had time to cultivate hobbies and interests. He was floundering and suffocating MiL.

She signed them both up for gym membership and dictated they go 3 days a week. At first she went in the equipment room with him (bit like settling a toddler into nursery) and then, once he was confident there, MiL broke out and went off to do Pilates or Zumba . It did PiL the world of good both in giving him some routine and improving his physical health and releasing the old endorphins. He also made friends with some male retirees at the gym.

They also joined a couple of walking groups and after the first few sessions MiL would be able to break away to chat with different people and FiL would amble along with others.

Like you MiL did regular voluntary work and on those days, she would set FiL tasks. I know this sounds like she was infantalising him, but honestly, without the routine of work he was lost. So he'd be asked to paint the spare room, have lunch ready for when she got home, plant some bedding plants. After a while he didn't need such micromanaging - he could happily fill a morning pottering whilst MiL was out.

They are 15 years into a very fulfilled and contented retirement. A social life has developed with people they've met at walking group plus they have their own hobbies and friends.

And - prior to retirement - they always had something planned: a theatre trip, a holiday, a city break. They even managed to fit in seeing their children and grandchildren now and again

Best of luck, OP.

With Christmas you may have the opportunity to ‘gift’ some new hobbies, for example I do a weekly ceramics class, I know there are lots of different classes available on zoom. He may have no idea of the variety of activities available.
If he’s fit and well, is there anyone who would like their dog walked once a week?
Our local pharmacy has someone who delivers medication.
Perhaps saying how useful it would be would help and would give you some time where he is out.
Also maybe now is the time to split household tasks 😀

“ I've tried to talk to him rationally about it but he seems to think this is what being married is about. If it is, then I don't want to be married any more. ”

This might be the nub of it, sorry.

Has he officially retired, no plans to get a job?

My father was a huge pain when he retired. He got the message that no one was responsible for his entertainment because we drummed it into him. He refused all options of courses etc but stopped trying to tag on to mum’s friends and got into watching Sky Sports several hours a day!

But he was miserable in the beginning and didn’t understand why all the family wouldn’t give him more time.

It was particularly good that mum put her foot down about him not hijacking her social life as she was quite dependent on him in other ways and he’s gone now.

It is essential you have freedom and privacy, you must tell him that. He might need to adjust his ideas of marriage.

@Slingsanderrors

Following with interest, I’m in exactly the same position OP, but further down the line. my husband retired nearly 4 years ago now and it’s been horrendous. He has no hobbies and no friends. I’ve kept myself busy with friends and some volunteering, but lockdowns put a stop to that and has really highlighted to me how he constantly tries to “manage” me and my life. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he gets defensive and sulky. I’m honestly thinking seriously about leaving him, I’m 65 and can’t bear the thought of years of this.

Think long and hard about the next 15 years of your life if you allow this to continue.

He will suck the life from you and make you feel like a prisoner waiting to die.

The defensive sulking would be enough for a lot of women.

I can well imagine you thinking you would rather be on your own.

I hope you do make a plan.

Men can be very selfish as they grow older, and can become very controlling if they don't have enough going on to fill their days.
A lot of it can be fear.

It's interesting to be reminded that over the years I have often heard of women "thriving", when their husbands died.
These would have been women from happy marriages that loved their husbands, but their death now means they are travelling and doing things that they felt they couldn't before.

For one woman it was driving.
Her husband like to drive and he insisted on doing it all.
This was a friends mother. She just loved her new freedom of being able to drive wherever.

Wishing you well.

I've just secured a volunteer post to keep me busy (and give me a bit of respite) and he's talking about having lunch in town with me before I start my shift and collecting me as I finish so he can walk home with me

See, I think the lunch would be lovely. Something to eat before you go off for respite and he can have a nice walk home alone, then you walk home alone and he has tea ready for you.

The following week rather than have lunch he meets you from work and you can go for a coffee and walk home. So it's not set in stone but it gives him some structure until he finds his feet.

But I have a different view of what makes a marriage than some pp. Like MiL I think husbands and wives can nurture and support each other during difficult times and the rewards are worth the effort.

Moira “ See, I think the lunch would be lovely. Something to eat before you go off for respite”

No, it’s having more of the thing you don’t want before you get to run away for a couple of hours.

billy I’ve also seen a few elderly ladies thrive after their husbands died.

Would you consider a relationship where you lived separately?
I've been married for 20 years and 10 years ago we sold the family home and brought separate places, I love it 🥳