Older MNers - how to cope with retirement?

[ReggieCat]

It isn't my retirement that's the problem - I'm busy and happily fulfilled, at least I was pre-lockdown when my 2 voluntary jobs went into hibernation but I've still kept busy.

DH was working but was furloughed because of his asthma and early COPD. WIthin the first 6 weeks he decided to resign. I appreciate his reasons - he was in a team of 3 and his absence left 2 people covering all the shifts and unable to have a few days off as the job needed 2 staff at all times and his employer need to be able to fill his post. So he resigned, which was fine as our finances allowed it.

But it's causing huge problems now. He has no hobbies. He isn't very sociable and tends to 'share' my friends with me. I feel trapped and don't think I can take much more. Between lockdown one and lockdown 2, I got back to meeting friends for coffee. I discouraged him from coming with me, but that meant he always wanted to come and meet me afterwards so I was expected to give him a time to 'collect' me.

This afternoon I was only going to a local shop, a 2 minute walk away and said I'd go alone. He stood at the open door to 'wave me off'.

If anyone phones me and he's in the same room he constantly interrupts with 'Have you told her about ... ' or 'Ask him ...' After one call that he didn't interrupt, I mentioned that my friend's mum was quite ill and he said he know because he can hear every word anyone says over my mobile and deliberately listens.

I've just secured a volunteer post to keep me busy (and give me a bit of respite) and he's talking about having lunch in town with me before I start my shift and collecting me as I finish so he can walk home with me.

I don't think I can take much more of this. I want some freedom and privacy back. I've tried to talk to him rationally about it but he seems to think this is what being married is about. If it is, then I don't want to be married any more.

Can anyone offer any wisdom or advice or just a handhold? I've spent a lot of this evening quietly crying at the prospect of another 20 years of this.

It's early days for him really. Not helped by the fact that his retirement is very sudden, so hasn't had time to psychologically prepare for it and obviously the restrictions of Covid.

I wonder if actually a part time job would be the answer here - it would give him something to focus on and get him out of the house.

As regards volunteering, my husband and I found that some things worked out and some didn't, so you've got to be open minded and keep going. I volunteered for a village type thing which was absolutely ghastly, and I couldn't drop it quickly enough. But I also volunteered as an auditor for a credit union and absolutely loved it, like-minded lovely people and it played to my strengths. My husband similarly enjoyed volunteering at the local museum. This is all in the past tense because we moved to be near our daughter, so are facing that challenge again. Most voluntary things are suspended at present due to Covid, but we still have our hobbies which we enjoy. And the joy of looking after our grandchild two days a week gives us structure.

I'm sure things will improve in time, you just need to sit him down and be open and honest about how his actions are making you feel claustrophobic. Maybe if a part time job is a no-go, get him to think about what else he might enjoy doing in the future.

I hear you ReggieCat I'm in the same position.

My DH was made redundant from his job earlier in the year. He had spent 30 years doing 50% overseas travel. He was never interested in doing anything when he was home as always jet-lagged and (fair enough) just wanted to apend time at home, no more dinners out or anything.

I enjoyed the time I had alone and had my own friends/hobbies/volunteering/nights out etc.

So now he has no job and no friends and me as his only source of company. Its driving me nuts. Obviously compounded by all these lockdowns, so I haven't been able to see my friends as much. Every time I suggest he do x or y (on his own), he says I don't need to go out I have everything I need here. If I try and sit in a different room in the evening (get bored of watching tv every night) he complains and says he misses me.

I'm just trying to hold on till these lockdowns end, and then hopefully volunteering/social stuff can restart and I'll have better perspective.

So, Acorn, would you want retirement to be more like your working life - you don't see DH between, say, 8a.m. and 6p.m. Mon-Fri?

I'm looking forward to having (some) weekday lunches with DH, afternoon cinema trips etc. I will need a lot of time to do my own thing - read, walk with friends - but I definitely want to spend more time with DH.

@Moiraknowsbest

So, Acorn, would you want retirement to be more like your working life - you don't see DH between, say, 8a.m. and 6p.m. Mon-Fri?

I'm looking forward to having (some) weekday lunches with DH, afternoon cinema trips etc. I will need a lot of time to do my own thing - read, walk with friends - but I definitely want to spend more time with DH.

I’m not married.

But I think a lot of people struggle when a partner retires.

This thread isn’t about us. It’s about the OP and her needs.

This thread isn’t about us. It’s about the OP and her needs

I know, which is why I described at length how my ILs have made a retirement that works for them. Whereas you want to focus on the negative rather than offer practical advice.

Hope OP will be back to engage.

@Moiraknowsbest

This thread isn’t about us. It’s about the OP and her needs

I know, which is why I described at length how my ILs have made a retirement that works for them. Whereas you want to focus on the negative rather than offer practical advice.

Hope OP will be back to engage.

Yes and I explained my mum and dad and how that panned out - it was fine but honesty was crucial.

Thanks for all the responses. I didn't expect such a large number of replies and there are too many to respond to individually.

Just to answer some of the points raised -

I've suggested he goes back to work part-time and his employer has contacted him to offer this when covid allows, but he says he doesn't want to.

He's not interested in gardening or ceramics or painting. I've suggested he joins a local men's 'Shed' or gets involved with support work but he's not interested. The only voluntary work he shows any interest in is the RNLI and that's where I do most of my volunteering and feel this would be another instance of him following (and there's always the feeling, as I mentioned with the phone calls, that he's spying on me. Which isn't a good feeling!)

Lunch before my new volunteer shift (RNLI shop) would just be taking the same problem to a new location. And to be honest, I want that time for meeting friends before and after my work hours as it's so difficult to escape any other time.

I've used the word 'escape' in that last sentence. That's just how I feel and a previous poster summed it up perfectly -
He will suck the life from you and make you feel like a prisoner waiting to die.

That's it in a nutshell. We had a difficult evening yesterday when I tried again to get my point across without accusing. I think the whole problem is our differing views on what growing old together means. I'm trying to hold on as best I can until post-covid to see what happens and if he changes his behaviour at all.

But I really think my marriage is over. This makes me very sad, for him more than for me because I can survive alone but I'm not sure how he'd cope.

OP

Have you said that if he doesn’t make a life of his own, the marriage is over?

Re the volunteering, are you having to be vague about your hours so you can keep away longer?

PS obviously no one can know this till they get there, but parents had friends who broke up at retirement because she wanted to be out and about and he didn’t. It might have come to compromise but he was annoyed at her being out a lot and nagged her all the time about it.

ReggieCat, are we married to the same man? (Actually we can’t be, since neither of them go out!)

My husband would tell you that fishing is his hobby, he has been twice in the past 12 months, and only 8 times in the previous year. He does do the garden but only the bits he wants to, and then moans incessantly about what hard work it is. He also makes bread, but leaves the kitchen like a tip.

He used to go and see his one and only friend for a few weekends a year, but that stopped due to Covid, and the last time I had any more than 3 hours home alone was September 2019.

He has no interest in learning anything, in volunteering, or joining any groups of any sort. He reads, plays games on his iPad and watches tv. Like yours, my h thinks that this is what retired married couples do.

I often feel that I’m living in a geriatric ward, or waiting to die. It’s soul destroying.

And like you, I worry that he wouldn’t cope alone, whereas I know I would.

and for you

I think retirement can be as challenging as the early years, perhaps even more so.

A husband that suddenly smothers you in your established life, making you feel guilty any time you are out of the house could easily slowly tip someone into low level depression.

I can see the value in splitting up and living apart but still together if necessary. Radical but why not.

OP, I can absolutely understand this being a deal breaker.
He's dragging you down, very selfishly.
He's utterly focused on what he wants and how he wants to live.
You're needs don't come into it.

I would strongly advise that you at least spell it out to him.
Perhaps even arranging a house estimate so he sees you are serious.
Make sure you have all financials copied etc.
But perhaps him fully understanding the consequences will help.
That is if your preference is to remain together.

Keep posting

But I really think my marriage is over. This makes me very sad, for him more than for me because I can survive alone but I'm not sure how he'd cope.

Give him the full picture. Explain that unless you can get the space you need, the marriage is over. It might galvanise him into more reasonable behaviour. And if it doesn't, you've done all you can

You're both going through a sudden and unexpected major life change @reggiecat, which is always going to be difficult. We have been through something similar and my dh ended up with clinical depression.
I had to give him an ultimatum to see the GP or I would leave as he was dragging me down. Luckily he did and we are resolving things.

There are two books I have found helpful for this stage of life:
Transitions by William Bridges and Not Fade Away by Celia Dodd.

He needs to know how you feel about leaving him if it doesn't improve, but bear in mind he's coming to terms with things himself. If you can't get through to him alone, I would also suggest couples counselling which you can have over video link.

frosty I might get the William Bridges book

I’m not retiring sadly! But for the first time in my life, I find am not coping so well with change. So thank you for suggesting it.

@yohoheaveho
That sounds wonderful - what a brilliant idea! And no snoring!

@AcornAutumn the main message from the Bridges book is that everyone needs time in a 'neutral zone when making a big transition.
In other words, don't expect to snap into the new normal, take time to explore and adjust.
@ReggieCat 's husband also has health issues, which must be very frightening for him and creates extra difficulties for her.

[quote katy1213]@yohoheaveho
That sounds wonderful - what a brilliant idea! And no snoring![/quote]
And no 'wife work' ....whatsoever
When we lived together I was constantly furious about the unfair division of domestic labour
Now it's 24/7 wall2wall bliss 😊
He claims that he wishes he did more around the house now, I will never ever fall for that again!

He claims that he wishes he did more around the house now, I will never ever fall for that again!

Ah the old Coulda Woulda Shoulda