How stop being an enabler?

[endoftether51]

DH's drinking is a problem and I think at times I have downplayed it and not made an issue for an easy life
But now I'm so beyond sick of it
Please tell me how to not be an enabler / get him help / support him as this will cause the end of our marriage eventually

Well you have to address it with him...talk to him about it and let him know that things must change or you're leaving. If he can't take that seriously, then you walk away.

Get in touch with Al-Anon and get support from them for yourself.

Is he prepared to quit?Do whatever it takes?

@endoftether51

DH's drinking is a problem and I think at times I have downplayed it and not made an issue for an easy life But now I'm so beyond sick of it Please tell me how to not be an enabler / get him help / support him as this will cause the end of our marriage eventually

You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.

Talk to Al-anon, put yourself first and leave him to the consequences of his actions.

Hi OP. First off, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s really tough to watch someone slide into alcoholism. As others have said: you didn’t cause this, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. Much of enabling is about trying to control the uncontrollable, so you need to stop trying. A few ways are:
Stop drinking with or around him.
Never buy alcohol for him.
If he drink drives, you report him to the police.
You stop covering for him. Be open with other people about the problem- you could start by telling family or close friends what’s going on.
Basically, you need to let him feel the natural consequences of his drinking.
Most of all, carry on with your own life- make it as good as it can be and try not to get dragged down with him.

Counselling and/or Alanon could be a big help to you.
Very best of luck!

@AFitOfTheVapours thank you
I have done all the above
Apart from I still buy his alcohol if I do a big shop
He doesn't get in the car when he's had a drink but I've no doubt that some mornings he must still be over the limit
I thought about buying a breathalyser but he told me he would not use it

Oh, and as for getting him help, you give him a list of numbers for AA, the GP, the local alcohol services and/or a rehab centre/addiction counsellor. Then, you walk away from it. No amount of nagging, begging or pleading will make him see sense. He will only get help when HE is ready and the sad truth is that could be never. That is his responsibility and not yours.

Hi OP, sorry I crossed my last post with you. Great that you’ve started detaching a bit. Absolutely do not buy alcohol, even as part of a weekly shop. If he wants it, he has to get it.
Re the breathalyser, I would say you would then be taking on the responsibility of monitoring him. You need to detach. It is HIS responsibility to ensure he’s legal and safe to drive. If he’s drinking alcoholic ally, there’s every chance he’s over the limit most of the time ( even if he concentrates his drinking to evenings).
However, if you think he might be over the limit in the mornings, you report him (anonymously if you wish). You can do that via the crime stoppers website. I know that seems tough but it’s absolutely the right thing to do.

Do you have any support from family or friends?

How long have you been married and how long has he been drinking like this?
Do you have DC?

Get him an Alan Carr book on Amazon and put next to his bed. Or start reading it yourself, next to him.

Do you rent or own your home. How easy is it for you to live somewhere else.

He's reluctantly gone to stay at his mothers
I refuse to leave as I have nowhere to go and I can buy him out this house but he can't buy me out . Plus why the hell should I leave
Yesterday I came downstairs after he told me to have a lie in to find him drunk in charge of our 1 year old. Obviously I lost my shit . He then fell down a full flight of stairs and went to bed for 4 hours and when he woke up couldn't remember the fall
He oscillates from saying he wasn't drunk to admitting he was but that I'm blowing it all out of proportion and that I just love a fight and this weekend would have been fine if I hadn't 'started' on him
So basically I need to put up and shut up
He said sorry this morning and rang AA which is a start but because I obviously wasn't so ready to forgive and forget he just started twisting it around again saying I won't be happy no matter what he does and it's me with the issue blah blah blah blah

Well done for calling him out OP. Classic alcoholic behaviour. Expect him to blame everyone but himself for the problem (especially you) and don’t trust his efforts unless and until they’re sustained over many months. I hope he finds the will to turn things around but it will take a monumental effort from him.

@AFitOfTheVapours thank you
I just started a new thread entitled what would you do ...
I need to hear this kind of thing from other ppl as he is so good and turning it on me sometimes I believe him

Yes! I’ve been there too. I left my alcoholic husband earlier this year and the twisting of reality is horrendous. You know you are seeing things clearly but it is very hard not to question yourself in the face of an alcoholic’s lies and gaslighting. Stay strong. Life can get better!

Def stop buying his alcohol.

I think another way to stop enabling is to stop fixing problems related to his drinking.

He vomits all over the kitchen - He cleans it up. If he does a shit job he cleans again with you standing over him.

Fails the kids/lets them down. You dont lie. And you let him deal with the fall out.

He is hungover and needs a lift/forgot something/needs you to do something he should have done but didn't because he was drinking. Tough shit. He needs to find the solution.

endoftether

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Think about that.

Alcoholism is not called the "family disease" for nothing and you are profoundly affected by his drinking.

You ultimately need to walk away because you are really being dragged down by your drunkard here. His primary relationship is with drink. Its not with you and never has been with you either.

Read this article too:-

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

Recognise and fully acknowledge your parts played in his alcoholism; those of codependent partner, enabler and provoker (because you never forget). You're basically as much caught up in his alcoholism as he is. Do not buy alcohol for him; that is enabling behaviour and do not drink alcohol with him either. Do not police his drinking either in any way. Do not find any information for him on helplines. Talking to an alcoholic also about their drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean.

You cannot help him but you can certainly help your own self here.
What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
Did you grow up seeing a heavily drinking parent yourself; how is it that you and he got together in the first place?.

I would also suggest you contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to people affected by another person's drinking.

You have a child; that young person should not grow up seeing all this chaos in this house as his "normal". You and your child would be better off on your own without your H and his father dragging you both down with him into his pit.

You cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want help nor to be rescued and or saved. Apart from anything else what can you yourself do?. You are too close to be of any real use to him and besides which he does not want your help or support. What you've tried to date has not worked, thankfully you have now thrown him out and he has gone to his mother's. He can stay there too. I would also urge you to start divorce proceedings asap, this is something I never suggest lightly but a life with a drunk is no life for you or your child to be any part of.

Yes I did grow up with an alcoholic parent
He is forever telling me that he doesn't have a problem and I have 'mummy issues' and see alcoholics everywhere
I know this is bullshit as drinking 3 bottles+ in one go, to yourself , on your own isn't normal in any circumstances.

He seems to think he can come home tonight or tomorrow but he's got another thing coming

Thought so re the alcoholic parent (its not always the case but it sadly often is); that became your normal and that is what you learnt about relationships. BTW are your parents still together?. This does not have to be your life going forward.

You have a choice re this man; your child does not. Protect your child from his father's alcoholism, he cannot afford to grow up seeing alcoholism as a part of his childhood like you did. Get this man out of your day to day lives completely.

@AttilaTheMeerkat no my dad divorced her about 8 years ago and then she died a week after I had the baby
So you can imagine how upset I was when DH got shitfaced on my first Mother's Day after having also done the same the night before
Fucking twat

Please contact Al Anon. It will help you so much to talk to others who have been in the same situation and will understand.

@C0RA I emailed them this morning

Well done, that’s a good first step. I know it’s a bit scary.

Everyone I know goes to al Anon ( pre Covid when they had face to face meetings ) worrying about what type of people they will meet there. And they are shocked to discover it’s people just like them, their neighbours, friends and colleagues. Addiction has no respect for your background, job, education or income.

I hope you find it helpful and supportive. I think you know you can’t go on living like this with a baby.

Stay strong, none of this is your fault no matter what he says. You and your child deserve a calm, safe environment which you won't have with him. If he wants to get help then he will, but you can't be the help, sadly speaking from experience