Feel so very alone and small.

[Therewere5inthebed]

A month ago DH went dropped the bombshell that he ‘didn’t want to be the Mr to my Mrs’ anymore, he’s been going through the motions since we had a big argument in Jan but couldn’t continue to live like that. He said some awful, hurtful things and basically said that he loves me but is not in love with me. We’ve had an awful two years as a family (2 DD’s 21 and 13) with accidents, illness and major worries all being compounded by Covid. We lost two of our three dogs unexpectedly to cancer at the beginning of the year within 4 months of each other and he said that they were the glue holding us together, now that they are no longer here there is nothing keeping us from moving on.

He’s said that he wants to take a year out, to find himself, yes that old chestnut.. and wants me to do the same, he said I’ve changed beyond recognition and we have nothing in common. I have changed, I’m aware that I’m not, in his words ‘the dynamic, full of life woman that he fell in love with’

I now have painful mobility issues whereas I was fit when we met and he is now super fit.

Health wise I’m not in a good way, nothing life threatening but a few different conditions that make life difficult and prevent me from doing what I enjoy.

This alone has been beyond hard, but he said he will carry on paying bills, support me where he can and I have the amazing opportunity to cut my hours at work and get my mojo back.

I was just about holding on to a thread of sanity when my DF who I’m incredibly close to began to have health problems, I had to stage an intervention and call his GP as I thought he was being less than honest with them about some symptoms he had developed. It turns out that he has a sizeable tumour around his kidneys and stomach. My DF has been my DM and DF since I was 11 and is my best friend, sounding board and voice of reason. He is one of the most selfless people I’ve ever met and always puts others before himself. He and my youngest DD are devoted to each other and up until a month ago were always up to mischief together, they have a wonderful relationship.

I have never felt so alone in my life, I’m caring for my father who thankfully lives locally but feel I have no control over any aspect of my life.

I feel bereft as I’ve lost my husband when I need him more than I ever have and I’m having to stay strong for my DF and my DD’s.

I feel totally wretched.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I don't have any wise words of advice except to try and make time for yourself. Is there anyone who can give you support in real life? A good friend, perhaps?

I'm sorry your DH has been so utterly selfish. Hope your DFs treatment goes well.

Your DF sounds like your rock and where your focus needs to be. I'm sure your DF has taught you things about life and everything. Follow in the same vein and be true to yourself. Everything else will fall into place.

I'm so sorry this has happened, and is happening still.
Keeping your focus on the present moment might help. Just this moment/minute, no more.
When you feel strong enough, tell the DH to get to fuck. A year out? You're supposed to wait, hoping he will love you, while you reduce your working hours and make your position even more vulnerable? Er, no thanks, mate. Bugger off. You might want to get some ducks in a row before you tell him you're not going to entertain his shit.
Good luck. I'm so sorry about your DF. I hope that his treatment is successful.

He wants to keep his option to return open, while he plays the field, for a year, in case the grass isn't greener? Fuck that. A Little Time, by the Beautiful South definitely applies here. Strange that the dogs held you together, but not the DC? Perhaps he senses their distain about him being a twat, whereas dogs give unconditional love, even if you are a twat. He will likely have someone in mind already.
It's a tough imbalance however, when a couple who have been together for years lose common ground and one stays healthy while the other's health fails. He probably hasn't considered that for him to stay fit he's probably had ample 'me time' over the years to do hobbies and activities while you held the fort so that he could, and thus your health has suffered at his expense.
You could take him up on his, 'year off', humour him, while he pays for you to carry on in your home and concentrate on your DF. It's likely to be permanent, he's just wimping out of saying so,and it could make for an expensive year, then there will be less in the pot to split at the end of it. Split now, or split in a year, there a pros and cons either way but expect that it's over. Hope your DF comes through it, it's good that you pushed his treatment on. One day you will be out the other side and can concentrate on yourself for a change, maybe you have neglected yourself a bit over the years.

We’re still living in the same house, in seperate bedrooms it’s so hard as I feel I’m being judged by him with every move I make.

He’s living his life, working from home, trying to forge a relationship with our youngest DD (she’s never been that close to him). While I cook dinner, shop etc to try to keep some semblance of normality for DD but it’s so bloody hard.

I was forced into reducing my days for health reasons but he’s told me he’s jealous that he couldn’t decide to do that as he is the highest earner by a long shot. I would much rather be fit and healthy and work full time!

DF is my rock, he is an incredibly special man and it breaks my heart seeing him so weak and helpless.

Take him up on the offer.

Spend time with your DF & DC.
Spend time on yourself.

I would expect the offer of support to not only include £ but also practical day to day home drudge stuff. Even if you have to resort to diary & household job planning.
He doesn’t get to skip off into the sunset & ‘find himself’ - responsibility free.

You may find you neither want nor need such a flake.

I agree with OpenToo - watch his spending. It will be illuminating.

We have seperate accounts so I have no idea what he does with his money until parcel after parcel arrive for him. He’s always been very anti joint accounts.

He has got himself into large amounts of personal debt by buying expensive sporting equipment and race entry fees (I mean vast amounts by anyone’s standards).

Our life as a family has revolved around his hobby, whisking me away for my birthday to Barcelona for the weekend for example then throwing in that he’s running the marathon while we’re there so the whole weekend turns into something for him, nerves and preparation on the day before, the race, then the journey home.

I need to change my username to Thereisoneinthebed...

I hate that I’ve let life erode who I am, I’ll never be the same person I was when I met him and neither would I want to be, but I feel that I’ve lost myself along the way and need to get me back, I’m just not sure how to go about it at the moment.

I'm really sorry about your dad.

I think you'd feel better if you took control now and told your husband that actually, that doesn't work for you and you want a divorce. Just going along with what he wants isn't good for you. You still have your dad for now and he can be a support to you during your divorce.

Would it be possible for you and your children to move in with your dad?

Time to face this head on, OP.

I can closely identify with how it feels to have one's heath and mobility start to slide; the idea of having a partner who does not understand that this is not your choice and that you should be supported rather than put down is unspeakable. I wonder who he thinks is going to support him should such problems catch up with him?

This is such a very difficult situation for you to be in, especially during Covid. You do need to prioritise at the moment and it sounds as though your Dad should be top of the list; and your children. Let the OH manage for himself. At this time, be where you need to be; and be with who you need to be with.

He’s said that there is no one else and he has no reason to lie, he has also said that he’s certainly not looking for a relationship outside of the marriage, he purely wants to get himself in a good place mentally and see if he can fall back in love with me, he’s made no promises as he just does not know and is being as supportive as I’ll allow him to be.

He’s had an incredibly hard time with various things and I’ve supported him through it with love. He has high functioning autism and doesn’t deal well with change and I suspect that despite his cheery outer self atm that there is an element of depression, he’s adamant that he isn’t and won’t speak to anyone about it.

This year has wiped him out mentally. He has low testosterone which he has treatment for but despite this sex is not a driving force for him at all and never had been, he’s told me that it’s not just me he doesn’t want to have sex with, it just doesn’t enter his mind, he doesn’t look at women in a sexual way, it just doesn’t enter his mind to do so, so I’m confident that there is no OW. Or that he has any doubts regarding his sexuality.

I admit I do need to do things for me as well as for the family as I stopped doing that a while ago for financial and heath reasons and i just let things slip.

We spoke about it calmly and we both think it is the best chance we have of getting our marriage back on track.

I’m under no illusions that it will work but it seems like the best chance we have.

I don't want to sound cynical but men always deny an OW until they get caught out, you see it here all the time. It sounds like to me he wants 'time out' to see how it goes with someone else and if it doesn't work out he can come running back to you and his home comforts. Its vile that he doesn't want to support you with your health issues and your dad right now, he gets a year out to escape his family responsibilities.
I would tell him if he wants that he can leave permanently, I wouldn't wait around for a year and let him decide if he wants you or not, make that choice for him now.

You’re not the vibrant woman he talks with f because he’s sucked it all out of you with his utter selfishness.

What a horrible man he is.

Do you have good friends you can lean on for a bit whilst you find your feet and yourself again?

I’m so sorry

Mind did something similar...and it turns out there was an OW.

OP, the 'there's another woman' posts will start in a minute and they're usually correct, but before we get drawn into that can you have a think about:

Ideally, what you would like to happen in the next three months?

• do you want to maintain the status quo so you can focus on your dad, in effect letting DH take his 'year out', becoming flat mates really?

Because that is fine. Your DF is your priority just now. You can check out of your relationship and focus on the important people for a while. That's not the advice I'd usually give, not by a long shot, but it sounds to me that you just can't take any more right now, so give DH a taste of his own medicine and disengage. You can work out what comes later, later. Although I hope to god you're not still cooking, cleaning and washing his skiddy kecks.

I’m 100% certain that there is no other woman. Sex isn’t what drives him..

We are flat mates atm, but with me still living and being attracted him and him having checked out in his words.

I’m still cooking and washing, he seems to be doing his own washing which is weird but I’m doing much less than previously as I’m at Dads three times daily for a few hrs at a time.

He made an odd comment today though, I said that my Dad was my priority right now and he said ‘well he has always been the be all and end all..’ very odd.

He may feel like he’s in a good place mentally but I’m not sure he is..

I don't think i would want to get my marriage back on track with him , he sounds like hard work .
Are you sure he's not the reason you are no longer the woman he fell in love with ?
Your lovely dad needs you most now , time you won't get again , concentrate on him , then in the future look after you and your daughters , everything will come clear , things always sort themselves out eventually .
I think you deserve more than this , its not all about him and what he wants.

I’m sorry but I think you would be better off without him. You deserve better and will find it. He is incredibly selfish and honestly, I’ve got friends with marathon runners husbands and those marriages run the same as yours. It’s all about them. Tell him he needs to move out. You should not cook or clean for him anymore and he is not going to have a wake up call while you still live together. He has lost all respect for you and treats you like crap. You are only going to have any vague chance to get him back by standing up to him. If he wants out then he leaves. Now. Make him do his own shopping etc. You do no more for him. Let him feel the full force of reality. Put your focus on your kids and your dad. Make nice fun days excluding him. Do not buy him anything for Xmas. Do nothing. Seriously you have to rise up. At least keep your dignity

He cannot afford to move out and neither can I unfortunately,

It’s for the girls that I cook etc as we have always eaten dinner as a family where possible, it would make it so much harder for them if I stopped cooking for all.

I spoke to him about fidelity this afternoon, he said that meeting someone else certainly isn’t on his mind and if he did it would be a big wake up call and he’d either think WTF am I doing or would tell me after the event..

He also said that he knows he’s playing a dangerous game but needs to get his mojo back and thinks we’ve run out of steam. That was a big eye opener for me.

I’m getting stronger but cannot entertain anything other than keeping the status quo while my Dad is so unwell. I cannot cope with any more upset.

I am going to take things one day at a time for now and build up my resilience, when all is cut and dried I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive him for not being here for me in a husband capacity when I need him most anyway, being a friend at this moment does not cut it for me.

Firstly , sorry about your father.
Your husband almost sounds jealous you're so close to him ?
I know you don't want the upheaval now but I'd be making it very clear you're not willing to hang round and wait for him to decide if he wants to try again.
It must be a horrible atmosphere at home.
He's a high earner but you'd be entitled to half the house and maintenance and pensions etc.
Hope things get better for you soon.

My ex said the same things, maybe living apart will help our relationship. He never planned on coming back and the stringing along made it harder for me.

He has chosen not to be with you and he is choosing not to support you when your dad is ill. It hurts like hell but you can only start to heal when you realise your marriage cannot be saved.

Yes I'm sure there is a chance but please do not ping any hope on that.

Look at how to go forward - do you need to sell up and buy elsewhere? Have you checked what benefits you would be entitled to? There is a calculator online. Maintenance- again calculator online.
Also look at getting legal advice if you can.

Your life is on hold at the moment and you can't heal until you move forward.

It's hard but it gets easier - my husband left in May and I still find some days hard but I'm doing fine! I'm actually more confident and know I deserve better than someone who does not want to be with me. You deserve that too.

Good luck whatever's happens and I hope your dad gets well soon xx

He went into work yesterday and was going out for drinks with another company that he deals with but didn’t come home last night, his bed has not been slept in..

Despite us being in tier 3 and him travelling to tier 2..

What terrible conduct.

I know you feel like you can't cope with more stress but how long can you cope with this behaviour?

He's being really disrespectful.

I need to do something but don’t know what to do.. I can’t think where to start in all this, I’m really struggling.

I’m getting stronger but cannot entertain anything other than keeping the status quo while my Dad is so unwell. I cannot cope with any more upset

I am going to take things one day at a time for now and build up my resilience, when all is cut and dried I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive him for not being here for me in a husband capacity when I need him most anyway, being a friend at this moment does not cut it for me

Don’t forgive him. Build that resilience, expect zero support from him (so you can’t be disappointed) and make plans to separate. Big adjustments needed but people overestimate the value of property over the value of a tension free home

@Therewere5inthebed I think you need to be really honest with him about how you’re feeling (especially given his ASD - spell it out explicitly, maybe in a letter). Tell him that you very much doubt that your marriage will recover from him choosing to withdraw from you at the point you most need support, because he needs to ‘regain his mojo’. Lay it all out so that he realises what he’s losing if he does this, and that you certainly will not be waiting around for him to make his mind up, while he abdicated himself of all responsibility in the meantime.

I’m so sorry - the pain you’re in comes through really strongly in your posts. I hope this all works out better in the long term, and that your dad recovers.