Feel so very alone and small.

[Therewere5inthebed]

A month ago DH went dropped the bombshell that he ‘didn’t want to be the Mr to my Mrs’ anymore, he’s been going through the motions since we had a big argument in Jan but couldn’t continue to live like that. He said some awful, hurtful things and basically said that he loves me but is not in love with me. We’ve had an awful two years as a family (2 DD’s 21 and 13) with accidents, illness and major worries all being compounded by Covid. We lost two of our three dogs unexpectedly to cancer at the beginning of the year within 4 months of each other and he said that they were the glue holding us together, now that they are no longer here there is nothing keeping us from moving on.

He’s said that he wants to take a year out, to find himself, yes that old chestnut.. and wants me to do the same, he said I’ve changed beyond recognition and we have nothing in common. I have changed, I’m aware that I’m not, in his words ‘the dynamic, full of life woman that he fell in love with’

I now have painful mobility issues whereas I was fit when we met and he is now super fit.

Health wise I’m not in a good way, nothing life threatening but a few different conditions that make life difficult and prevent me from doing what I enjoy.

This alone has been beyond hard, but he said he will carry on paying bills, support me where he can and I have the amazing opportunity to cut my hours at work and get my mojo back.

I was just about holding on to a thread of sanity when my DF who I’m incredibly close to began to have health problems, I had to stage an intervention and call his GP as I thought he was being less than honest with them about some symptoms he had developed. It turns out that he has a sizeable tumour around his kidneys and stomach. My DF has been my DM and DF since I was 11 and is my best friend, sounding board and voice of reason. He is one of the most selfless people I’ve ever met and always puts others before himself. He and my youngest DD are devoted to each other and up until a month ago were always up to mischief together, they have a wonderful relationship.

I have never felt so alone in my life, I’m caring for my father who thankfully lives locally but feel I have no control over any aspect of my life.

I feel bereft as I’ve lost my husband when I need him more than I ever have and I’m having to stay strong for my DF and my DD’s.

I feel totally wretched.

He totally understands what he is going to lose but is happy to proceed.

He wants to see what happens when I’m not around any more and he will get to see sooner rather than later.

My DD has an appmt booked at the local hospital for results on Weds morning which I’m able to attend with him so I need to focus on that right now.

I’ve had a god awful weekend with both DD’s being so angry with me as I’m moving in with my DF, there is a room for youngest DD and DSD will split her time between DH and her biological mum as she does now but knows that she is always welcome to stay with me too despite having to share a room if she chooses to stay for a night but as her DF is only 2 mins drive away I expect she’ll stay there.

They won’t take their hurt and anger out on him as in the past he’s always been shouty if they challenge him, he did take them both out and talk to them last night explaining how it’s not my fault and to be angry with him, not me. I think they all said their bit and the atmosphere feels better today between us.

I just need to get away from DH as I feel like I’m going to implode when I’m around him. It hurts too much, as does doing anything house related, it already doesn’t feel like my home any more.

@Therewere5inthebed How has your week been? I think it's pretty out of order for your DDs to be taking things out on you, frankly - I'd be pointing out tho them that you're under a huge amount of stress and you could do with a bit of support rather than them compounding your stress with their behaviour. How old are they? At least your DH (not very 'dear' at the moment!) had the decency to talk to them about the situation not being your fault.

Hope your dad's doing ok, and hope you're doing ok.

I hope you’ve told your children that your husband is the one who wants the separation and that’s why you are moving to your dads?

Do not I repeat NOT let him turn this into you neglecting your loving and loyal husband.

I assume move to your dads is short term to care for him. But if it becomes longer then you MUST get legal advice about your rights to the marital home.

As the lower earner and the main carer for your children you are very vulnerable. TBH you could really do with legal advice now but I expect you won’t get it.

I suspect that you are hoping that if you do nothing he will have his “ year off” and then be back to normal. I think it’s more likely that it will become the new normal. He will continue to live with you, have you run the house and care for your child and his child, cook his meals and wash his socks.

While he lives the carefree life of a single man with a free live in housekeeping and nanny.

Just over a year on… thank you to those who posted supportive messages at a time when I didn’t know which way was up. It’s been a bloody tough year and I’ve just kept my head down and got through it.

To cut a long story short, there was an OW, they’re still together although apparently they were ‘just friends- yes that old chestnut, until I moved out. My DF passed away in Feb with me by his side. It has been the toughest year but I’m still here, broken but strong.

I now live in DF’s house, I’m independent and coming to terms with the way my life has changed so dramatically in such a short space of time. Although not spending my time walking on eggshells was a revelation and I soon came to realise that they had done me a massive favour, it took his final act of betrayal to give me the push I needed to leave.

This time last year my whole world felt like it had come crashing down, I had nothing stable in my life and I couldn’t see an end to the pain. Now life is stable although I’m still grieving for my DF, I’m happy and have a wonderful, healthy relationship with a super, non narcissistic man.

This last year has made me realise how strong I am and that I deserve so much more than being someone’s whipping boy!

Gosh OP it sounds like a truly tough year you had, but so glad you have found strength and you feel better. So sorry about your DF and what a tosser your ex was, it seems he was running the old script.

Lovely to hear you met someone new. I hope 2022 continues to improve and you enjoy the rest of this year after such a hard one before.