I need some advice because I am freaking out. I want you to make an informed choice to click so --- it's an 'adult' issue.

[ElmerFudd]

Ok. I have name changed. Not a troll. Judge flounce, Lavenderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr red rug, narniagate, codisms, quiche, etc etc etc

Me and dh do not have ...erm....'relations'

Originally HIS choice, not mine, but I got used to it, began to understand it, realised that I didn't give a crap either way and I'm happy with the way we are. He's got zero se drive and we haven't had sex or anything more intimate than a cuddle for about 7 years. We don't kiss either, because I find 'tongues' totally gross, so we just give each other a 'mmmmwwwaa' peck, iyswim.

Now I know most people think that's odd, but we're happy. I don't want sex and neither does he - after all, it was HIM that stopped everything in the first place! We love each other and we share everything and we are best mates, close and make each other laugh.

So now comes my problem.

He tried to touch me.

I leapt away and said "gerrof, you pervert" then laughed, trying to make it a joke. But it's not a joke. I don't want to be touched intimatly. Not by him not by anyone (I haven't gone for a smear for years either for similar DON'T TOUCH ME reasons.)

The thing is I am ANGRY. How dare he change the rules now. HE had no sex drive HE started it I had to learn that sex does not equal love - and that FREED me, iyswim.

Now he wants to touch me? He can't change the way we are now. What if he is getting a libido now?

I thought we were happy in our sex free GOOD marriage but I didn't realise that I would freak out if I was touched, because it's never come up (pardon the pun)

I really need some advice. I do NOT want a sex life but what if his 'old man' has come out of its coma and goes looking for fun elsewhere? Ok, that's a stupid fear but...

I am just so ANGRY with him for touching me and worried that this is going to happen again.

And I am aware that this is a very odd post, which is why I began with my credentials! Also, I know it's early, but he is having a lie in and I might not get a chance later.

You need to talk to him, I'm afraid. Things do change, and maybe he was hoping you wanted a change, like he did?

Do you still masturbate? Does he?

Have you been sexually abused? There's nothing wrong with not wanting sex, per se, but it is a slightly puzzling choice.

not sure what to say Elmer

Have you talked to him about why he now wants to change things?

No I don't and neither does he.
Yes I was.

I don't understand WHY he would want a change after 7 years, when he was the one who turned his back on it and never shows any interest.

How on earth would I start a conversation? What would I say? I have no clue.

Hmm. I do think it's strange having a marriage without sex. It sounds really sad to me (in the true sense of the word sad, not in teenage sland sense!).

Do you think your libidos are both just dormant? Maybe he didn't know how to broach it and he would like some sex and just didn't know how else to let you know about it? I doubt he did it to piss you off.

Have you examined why you don't want sex? Is it with anyone? Or just him? Did you discuss the no sex thing and agree to it or did it just evolve?

have you had any counselling around your issues? would it help do you tihnk?

Well as always arrangement between adults are only ok if they are ok for both parties. And again as always I think the answer probably lies in talking and communicating about this issue. Why don't you want to be touched? Why has he such a low sex drive? Why has he felt the urge to touch you?
These are a lot of big why's and no one here can answer them.
Actually your experience is very unusual and may need professional advice if it can't be sorted out between you. Good luck and sorry for not having any answers for you.

oh I see, x posts
that's sad.

You have got to talk to him. You say you are best friends and soulmates, then it should be possible to have this conversation with him. Tell him pretty much what you have said here. You feel emotially "mucked about with" which is understandable.

If you dont mind me asking, do you ever have sex on your own, or is your need just totally gone? Did you erase the need for sex without a problem, or did you struggle to accommodate his wishes?

Why do you NOT want to resume relations?
Have you become asexual, or are you scared of being emotionally bruised and vulnerable?

It all started with him. I used to instigate things - he never started anything but usually performed if I started things. But I only did that because I was looking for reassurance that he loved me and I was attractive and I thought that was the only way.

Then it went to nothing and I was upset because I thought it was ME. I talked to him a lot at first because I thought it was me that he didn't want. Then he helped me to understand it was nothing to do with loving me and I felt 'phew' and was happy to never bother again, sex as a physical act has always been a big 'so what' to me.

I never, ever, ever want to do it again and thought I'd never have to, so you can imagine how disturbed I am right now.

Have you actually asked him about this? Under what circumstances did he try and touch you - were you in bed (do you share a bed, incidentally?)?

You really REALLY need to discuss this with him. You sound like you have an excellent relationship in all other areas, so surely that shouldn't be too difficult?

Hi

Maybe, after all this time without sex and affection, the dynamics of the relationship have changed and you see him more of a friend or a 'brother' and thats why you feel perversed at the thought of him touching you.

If both of you were totally happy with the 'no sex' relationship I don't see any harm in that at all. It is each to their own and no one should judge you for how you choose to conduct your relationship. Just because it is different doens't make it 'odd' or wrong.

But, now you have got over the shock of the ressurection of his old man, I would suggest that you have 'the chat' with him. You do need to be open and honest with each other. It sounds like the dynamics of this relationship could be in for another change!

I just have no urges, no interest and the whole idea repulses me. You are right, I should be able to talk to him, but I have no idea what to say.

"I don't want you to touch me again"

That's the truth of it.

As to seeing a counsellor, well, I had to namechange to discuss this with a group of people I have never met in rl and wouldn't be able to pick out of a line up! I couldn't do this as 'me' in an anonymous chat room! I don't fancy my chances of opening up to a therapist.

Would it be best to talk to dh asap, or should I just wait and see if he touches me again, maybe he won't? Maybe it was just a one off, or a joke??

No we don't share a bed - or a bedroom. He came up, sat next to me and just touched me. I mean FFS! I am actually angry. I feel violated. He can't do nothing for 7 years and then come at me like he's James bloody Herriot!!!

Sorry. I make stupid jokes when I am exposed. It was not that bad to compare to a vet! Just unexpected and unprovoked and unwanted.

Oh Elmer I'm so for you. Please try and consider some sort of counselling, maybe for yourself first and then perhaps for you and dh as a couple once you have dealt with some of the issues from your past.
Also please please please re-consider your not going for smears, its not a sexual thing, it could very well save your life and is so important.
I really hope you get through this, if you and dh love each other it should be workable

Talk to him, otherwise you will always be wondering WHY he touched you after 7 years, and IF / WHEN it will happen again.

elmerfudd i understand that you might not feel as though you can talk about your abuse but at the risk of sounding cliche talking does help, i have a long and still active 'childhood sexual abuse' thread in the feeling depressed section and it has had many many posts from people in the same position, you really are not alone in this.

please have a look and see what you think.

does your husband know about your past?

if you want to speak more privately please feel free to CAT me.

take care hunny xx

Umm, where did he touch you? I'm assuming between your legs, but it just seems odd that someone would just sit down and put their hand there... or the breasts?

What was his facial expression at the time, and how did he react to your leaping away, did he seem upset?

I guess I would just sit down with him and say "Look, I need to know why you decided to touch me this morning". Be straightforward, you need an answer.

I was just about to ask what Lapin did.

He just sort of cuddled me (we often have a cuddle, so nothing odd there) but he sort of slid his hand round me and brushed my breast then moved downwards and round and I am going very trying to describe the movement to you. It was when he reached the bottom that I jumped away and made the joke about him being a pervert. He didn't say anything but I didn't look at him I went to the loo then came downstairs.

I have read this thread back and I sound like a freak.

You're NOT a freak. Yes, it's unusual to have a celibate marriage but I am sure you are not the only person in the world to have this arrangement. But as Carm said, you need to have a mutual agreement for it to work.

It may be that he has been having sexual urges for some time and has finally plucked up the courage to see if you would be receptive. I'm sure he needs to discuss this as much as you do. PLEASE talk to him.

Are you genuinely happy with your decision to live without sexual contact? or does it in any way sadden you? I am thinking about what the others have said about therapy. Is is possible to talk to a therapist over the phone at all? (sorry, I know nothing about this).

I really AM happy. I went through hell when he stopped obliging. But when I finally was able to see that sex was meaningless as proof of love and I didn't have to make him have sex with me to feel wanted, I realised that I HATE the physical act of sex. I always did but I felt driven to do it for emotional reasons - proof of being attractive. Feeling wanted. etc.

But now I feel loved by him, I know he wants me, so there's no need to reintroduce sex.

Maybe I'm jumping the gun. After my reaction this morning, I doubt he'll try again anyway.

Thanks folks. I will try to plan how on earth to start the conversation with him. Maybe I misunderstood anyway. (That would be good!)

Anyway, I can hear him padding about, so I'm going to bugger off and make him some coffee.

And thanks for not screaming TROLL TROLL at me. I know it's an odd topic for a sunday morning!

xx

Good luck x

sex isn't proof of love or validation of such.

if he hadn't touched you and you had made your original OP - i would have thought fine, great whatever floats your boat.
but things and people do change.

sex is a good thing. Becuase of your eperience you have made it into a negative thing

we all know that women work on many different levels when it comes to sex

and for that reason - you DO need to see a professional

sex is good - orgasms are great - its rather like denying yourself your favourite food in all the world.

Counselling does sound like a good idea. Lots of people were abused as children, it's depressingly common, and nothing to feel ashamed about! (You didn't do anything wrong!)

It sounds like you are in a very uncomfortable position - whether or not you can face counselling, you do need to talk to your DH and explain to him what you've explained to us. You need to tell him that you don't want to have sex ever again, with anyone - so at least he knows not to take it personally.

Does your DH know about your sexual abuse? (And please do consider talking about it with a therapist, the samaritans, MN, your cat, whomever. Please.)