Hpd/ cluster b Mil at christmas - advice on how to cope

[SimplyRadishing]

I do not have the relationship I so hoped for with my MIL. In DHs words she is very "highly strung" and "sensitive"

Honestly I don't like her, she has done several offensive and hurtful things to me and my DH.
he is a peacekeeper so a lot has been swept under the carpet. This year has also been one of big change and we have tried to make allowances for her on this basis.

She has in my opinion hpd or something in the cluster b area.

Anyway I am for various reasons I am at the point where I almost cant bear to be in the same room.

She is coming for Christmas which i agreed to and think is fair - it's her first year without her husband so her and DHs sibling are coming.

She's coming for 5 whole fucking days
I am not even convinced she will leave then.
we actually invited them for 3!!! So this was negotiated by DH down from her desired 8 days.

I need tactics to
A. not blow up at her.
B. Nicely shut down her demands / stop her getting her own way all the time.

HELP ME PLEASE
My husband is wonderful and I want to be compassionate to his awful mother over Christmas.

I would cancel the visit entirely, no good at all will come of having them there and you have no guarantee either she will actually leave after 5 days.

There are no tactics that can be employed here other than this. Why would either of you want his mother at your house anyway given her previous behaviour towards you both. Appeasement does not work and you would have never tolerated this from a friend. Do you have children too?. Behaving as peacekeepers does not work and her behaviour should not be rewarded by a visit to your home for Christmas.

Your DH is also part of the problem here because of his own inertia too when it comes to his mother. He needs to deal properly with any and all FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that he has loads of
through seeing a therapist and one at that who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

Do read the Out of the Fog website particularly the What not to do section.

No advice for handling her OP but do have experience of over staying relatives & my strong advice would be to arrange something unchangeable which she cannot attend or be involved in for you all on the day she is supposed to be leaving (or the day after so she can't stay another night). Ideally it involves you going somewhere for a specific time and thus creates a necessity for her to actually leave the house by a certain time.
Maybe slightly trickier in covid times but things like a short holiday (ha!) visit to other relatives she doesn't know, some kind of ticketed event where you can't buy extra tickets, etc. You can even keep it in your back pocket, don't mention it up front, but ready to pull out the bag if she mentions over staying "oh dear well that won't work because we've arranged to do xyz because you said you were going to leave on Wednesday".
On the plus side, it's great your DH has actually "invited her" for a specific number of days - this level of clarity is rare IME!!! "When are they leaving?" "Oh I'm not sure" 🙄🙄🙄 At least you have an actual plan!!
Good luck!!!

Alcohol?
Bath bombs so you have excuse to buggar off behind a locked door.
Leave the hosting to dh.

Keep the heating low. Less chance she gets too cosy to leave..

Start coughing and claim you can't smell or taste anything?
Failing that, buy yourself a personal box of chocolates and every time she does something from the Hideous Bingo Sheet, have one.
Have a lot of things to keep you out of her way and/or knitting ("23,24..." good way of politely ignoring her)
Bribe a friend to have a Personal Crisis which you must go out and assist with.
Don't recommend drink as that can backfire!
A cross Stitch kit with "what IS her problem?!" on it?

If you like crafts, there is a book called Subversive Cross Stitch which could provide you with something to work on while she is there. Otherwise I'd rely on the old standards of needing to cook, wrap presents or clean something. Constantly!

Your mother in law could be narcissistic in terms of personality and NPD is also cluster B. If she is a narcissist it is not possible to have a relationship.

BTW does your husband have siblings, if so how are they treated by her?
You do not mention FIL here, where is his dad?.

Remember she's your DH's problem. He wanted the visit, he can host her. No leaving you to it while he sods off to the shed.

Meanwhile you can withdraw as much as you like.

If he finds it unbearable, remind him she's his mother and the visit was his choice.

And being bereaved doesn't entitle her to be rude and hurtful to you - if she does something appalling, get an apology.

I would agree that she's DH's problem. He needs to step up and run interference for you, he needs to host her and look after her - you get to do the popping out to the shops etc, he gets to sit there in the house with her.

And if he's working and won't be there, then you need to renegotiate the length of the visit down again until times he is home.

Re:FIL
I somehow edited it out of the OP.

The reason it is tricky is Fil had an aggresive cancer and was sick for 9 months and sadly died in the summer. That sorry saga is a whole other story.

This is now her "trump card" for everything (nevermind bil and DH lost their father...)

BIL is now the golden child because DH had the audacity to meet me and get a life.
Before that it was DH. Photos of DH now literally have a photo of BIL in front in her house 😂

BIL is fairly decent at heart but gets sucked into being her flying monkey. He has been staying with her due to covid which has been horrendous for him. His father's death has been very hard on him and MIL is not exactly supportive (it's the Me me me show at her house)

I hate wifework and resent cooking for her because she is a very passive aggressive/shit cook herself (our visits to hers are incredibly uncomfortable) but
think hiding in the kitchen is a good idea.

I may also try and get her to bale something with us that should burn an hour or two.

In terms of DH he is read Out of the FOG and is onside. He has actually improved massively this year but his father's death has been a tricky one and we are trying to navigate it as best as we can.
We want to compassionate she isn't a total monster... but she is pretty awful.

How will they be getting home when it's time to go?

I'd have some 'work' to do upstairs when things get too much.
Tell dh in advance that when you go upstairs you want leaving alone for an hour or whatever. Have some chocs and a drink up there.
Great idea to have 'plans' the day of departure. (Could be visiting a long-lost friend and having a catch up in their garden).
If noises are made to stay longer then unfortunately you will have come down with an upset stomach and be feeling sick.

I am sorry to read about your late FIL. My guess is that your MIL further made her H's death all about her. It certainly seems that way now.

You want to show compassion because you are a compassionate person and besides which that is what emotionally healthy people do in such circumstances. However, your MIL is not an emotionally healthy person to be at all around; she is a wolf in sheep's clothing. The rule book of "normal" familial relations really does go out the window when it comes to dysfunctional families like the one your H came from.

In dysfunctional families the people within them play out roles; what are your DH's roles here?. He seems to be very much the scapegoat here with his brother being the "golden child" (itself a role not without price either but he is unaware of that).

Your H is still very much stuck in the fear, obligation and guilt; all buttons that his mother installed in him. He is very afraid of her still I would think, certainly far more afraid of her than he ever would be of you. Will he at all consider seeing a therapist?.

I still feel that this visit by her to yours should be cancelled; what good is going to come of it?. You could well end up feeling resentful of your H because he agreed (due to FOG) for her to visit in the first place and now for 5 days (rather than the initial 3). What is he going to do whilst she is there?. He cannot surely expect you to host her the whole time whilst he retreats because he most certainly back down completely in her presence and go into child mode. Between she and your BIL the golden child and flying monkey, its really going to be abject misery for you and your H.

I actually liked your spelling error when you put bale when I assume you meant bake? Wrapping her in plastic and sticking her in a field sounds an admirable project op..

@Butterymuffin

How will they be getting home when it's time to go?

By car. So no firm exit time...

Not that she is driving her own car... despite doing it for 15 years as part of her job she finds its "scary" now so BIL is driving miss daisy. 😂😂

I have one of these. Does she hand you really passive aggressive/ shitty gifts too? I once received oven cleaner for my Birthday and wrinkle cream for my 40th. This year I received one of her sparkly old battered clutch bags with one of her crappy necklaces inside that she knows I’m allergic to! You have my sympathy.

Pumpkinpied

What was your response and what did her son, your DH, say about you being given such tat?.

Hope you have now disposed of this unwanted tat itself loaded with obligation. This is also the sort of thing narcissistic people do to others.

Yeah I wouldn't be hosting her for 5 days. Sticking to the 3 you offered is not unreasonable. It's not a negotiation, this is your house and your time and effort. You get to set the boundary on that.

Gifts are fairly normal(ish) to be fair. Although she does expect a lot of lavish gifts in return though. To give you an idea when we started dating she sent DH a mother's day gift list (cheapest item was £200! And she expected fancy dinner for 5 and flowers to be paid for too - I nipped that in the bud immediately. She gets £30 m&s flowers and card now!)

We cannot cancel this , for one it isn't fair to his brother who is actually a fairly good egg and has had a shit year living with her. Secondly i agreed to this so need to see it through. I am just dreading it though.

I really think she isn't going to leave and i will end up arguing with DP.
I just want to sit in my pjs and watch tv and eat shit.

She is a hard guest as she is always just sat there dressed in some ridiculous formal outfit full face of make up and high heels expecting to be entertained from dawn til dusk.
I can't even escape for a walk with the fucking dog as she's bulimic/anorexic (which they all pretend is not happening) so loves to "go for walks".

He's seen a therapist which i think REALLY opened his eyes and we are fairly recently married so hoping he improves with time !!!

"We cannot cancel this , for one it isn't fair to his brother who is actually a fairly good egg and has had a shit year living with her. Secondly i agreed to this so need to see it through"

No, neither reasons are really good enough for having her and her attendant flying monkey over. Your BIL is not a good egg at all, he is a flying monkey who cares not a jot about hearing your side of things. He living with her is his choice ultimately, a choice that you and your H are not responsible for.

It will be abject misery for you and your DH and it will leave you feeling more resentful of your husband when she and BIL eventually leave (and likely not after 3 days).

You also would not tolerate this from a friend, family are no different. Your boundaries re both individuals here need urgent raising; you cannot keep putting them first at your overall expense. It does not make you look good in their eyes but weak and his mother will never give you or her son the approval that perhaps you both still want from her. She is simply not built that way and that is not your fault either.

The only people also who tend to bother with such types like his mother are those who have received the special training i.e the now adult children of same. You are an adult and have every right here to change your mind; you cannot stand her anyway and for good reason. Again, you would not let a friend of yours treat you like she does would you?.

Give your compassion to those who deserve it, not his mother or your BIL.

Do not underestimate the harm such toxic relatives can do to a marriage either. You know already they will not behave decently; she certainly will not and nor will BIL. Your H will revert to child like mode in her presence and if that happens you will not be able to rely on him to support you either.

If she wants to overstay mention you have a five day rule - no guests ever stay over 5 days - something you and DH agreed on - it's not personal you just can't do more than five days for your own wellbeing....

Agree with Jelly the 5 day rule can't be extended, which is a blessing! Your bil will drive her home (he sounds reasonable) , just make extending it non negotiable.

I sympathise. All I can suggest is gritting your teeth and breathing through it. Perhaps develop a migraine on day 5 and remain up stairs/unable to talk to her.

I'm not sure it's helpful to "diagnose" her with anything. It might be completely incorrect and there's a danger you or dh will assume your amateur diagnosis absolves her of any responsibility for her own behaviour?

She can be challenged if she's being particularly difficult. I'd say pick your battles and acknowledge she's grieving for her husband, but don't let her dictate in your own home. Don't bow down to all her demands.

Surely bil will just say ‘Right, we’re leaving at midday tomorrow, let’s check we haven’t left anything’.