Hpd/ cluster b Mil at christmas - advice on how to cope

[SimplyRadishing]

I do not have the relationship I so hoped for with my MIL. In DHs words she is very "highly strung" and "sensitive"

Honestly I don't like her, she has done several offensive and hurtful things to me and my DH.
he is a peacekeeper so a lot has been swept under the carpet. This year has also been one of big change and we have tried to make allowances for her on this basis.

She has in my opinion hpd or something in the cluster b area.

Anyway I am for various reasons I am at the point where I almost cant bear to be in the same room.

She is coming for Christmas which i agreed to and think is fair - it's her first year without her husband so her and DHs sibling are coming.

She's coming for 5 whole fucking days
I am not even convinced she will leave then.
we actually invited them for 3!!! So this was negotiated by DH down from her desired 8 days.

I need tactics to
A. not blow up at her.
B. Nicely shut down her demands / stop her getting her own way all the time.

HELP ME PLEASE
My husband is wonderful and I want to be compassionate to his awful mother over Christmas.

Can you plan to be going somewhere for a few days after she leaves. Let her know she will have to be gone, no choice. She doesn't have to know you aren't really visiting friends or whatever.

Is your husband passive with her? You seem to be shouldering the brunt of pain here

That sounds awful.

Sounds like you need to power through and that you have a good attitude to the situation. I have a similar situation, not this Christmas though (thank you covid!) I think the trick is to be really nice and pleasant the whole time you’re in her company but limit that time as much as possible so that keeping up the pretence isn’t too hard.

If you have an iPad and headphones, I suggest you go to bed early a few evenings because you’re exhausted but secretly watch a film. Stash snacks and drinks in preparation.

Also, everyone has a wardrobe or a cupboard that they need to sort - find some time to go off and do some jobs upstairs so that when they leave you haven’t wasted 5 days, you’ve accomplished something!

You’ve also just taken up jogging - that’s how you get out for your walks, jog to the end of the drive and then have a leisurely walk once out of sight!

Benjamin Franklin famously said that guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days. Many of us are inclined to agree.

If it's you and DH, then MIL and BIL who've been living in the same house all year, that's only two in a bubble. You can have three. Have an imaginary friend, whose partner has left her just before Christmas and absolutely needs your support on a daily basis (ie go for a walk). Or persuade one of your happily married/partnered friends to take on the role. For at least a couple of hours. Every day. Your DH might just realise that he needs to step in when he's left on his own to cope with them on a regular basis.

@Anniemabel

Sounds like you need to power through and that you have a good attitude to the situation. I have a similar situation, not this Christmas though (thank you covid!) I think the trick is to be really nice and pleasant the whole time you’re in her company but limit that time as much as possible so that keeping up the pretence isn’t too hard.

If you have an iPad and headphones, I suggest you go to bed early a few evenings because you’re exhausted but secretly watch a film. Stash snacks and drinks in preparation.

Also, everyone has a wardrobe or a cupboard that they need to sort - find some time to go off and do some jobs upstairs so that when they leave you haven’t wasted 5 days, you’ve accomplished something!

You’ve also just taken up jogging - that’s how you get out for your walks, jog to the end of the drive and then have a leisurely walk once out of sight!

this is ultimately where I am landing. I am going to "work" eat snacks and watch movies on the 23rd, 24th and 27th and leave DH to host.

For Christmas itself my DH and DB are organising some games so that should make it easier.

I have also decided to ensure meals are planned by me but cooking and cleaning up is on my DH. He will also be doing all the bed sheets. Lucky chap

I am so fucked off and secretly hope by the end of Christmas he is sick of her too so i am saved from future never-ending visits.

@AttilaTheMeerkat YES this is my motto as a guest and host. Keep it short and sweet.

Ps discovered yesterday she now wants us (plural) to visit mid Jan 😂😂
I am keeping my powder dry but I told him with no uncertainty last time that I didn't give a flying fuck what the "consequences" are I would never sleep in her house again (i have good and valid reasons) and while he can do what he wants it will be a hotel if I visit.

So I'm interested to see how that one plays out.

Also a big thank you to everyone for the advice.

I will try and get DP back onto out of the FOG in Jan.