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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your partner said this to you..

44 replies

heom45 · 04/12/2020 10:09

'I'm not responsible for your emotions'

Context is i was a bit irratable last weekend due to a few things and mentioned something he'd done that upset me.
That was his responce.
Not the first time he's said it and it crops up only when it's something to do with 'us'..

OP posts:
RhymesWithOrange · 04/12/2020 10:33

Well it's strictly true. However he does have joint responsibility for the relationship, assuming he wants it to continue?

Sadlonely67 · 04/12/2020 10:36

If he's being a twat for said emotions, then yes he is responsible.

namechangeforfriday · 04/12/2020 10:38

Depends what he’s done. On a basic level it is true, he isn’t, but if he is causing negative emotions by repeated behaviour he knows upsets you, that’s different. It does somewhat depend on what he’s done though - are you raging because he washes the dishes wrong? Or is he doing something actually disrespectful and bad?

pinkyredrose · 04/12/2020 10:40

He sounds like the kind of twat who'll say or do something awful and then put his hands up and say 'oh you're upset are you, well it's nothing to do with me.

Dump this arrogant tosser.

Have you tried the same thing on him? Wonder how he'd react.

MynephewR · 04/12/2020 10:46

Depends on the context. If it was something really bad then he shouldn't be doing it (obviously) and your reaction was justified. If it was not really a big deal but you made it into a big deal because you were already irritable then he's got a point.

I get really bad PMT and am so irrationally irritable for about 4 days every month. DH does mundane, annoying things that I would usually just roll my eyes at but if I'm hormonal then I will get really annoyed or upset about it and snap at him. It's not his fault, we are all annoying sometimes, nobody is perfect.

CarinaMarina · 04/12/2020 10:46

Whenever I'm annoyed about something (not really trivial things, but being spoken to rudely or in a dismissive way or something), my DH pushes and pushes to know what's wrong even though I'd rather just get over it in my own way. When I give in and tell him, he huffs and say I'm just "oversensitive".

It's irritating because it's true that they are not responsible for our emotions, they were still the reason that they were bloody triggered in the first place. And now that's my fault for being over sensitive.

Pfffft.

wimhoffbreather · 04/12/2020 10:49

Well it’s true, he isn’t responsible for your emotions, so it depends on the context.

Like if he cheated on you and you are upset and he says “I’m not responsible for your emotions” which is isn’t, but he did cause them! So depends on context I think OP.

SilverRoe · 04/12/2020 11:01

It’s one of those concepts that can be used to be helpful or to be harmful. On the one hand ultimately we are all responsible for our emotions in how we deal with them. And some people DO put their emotional well-being into their partner.

However, lots of people use it as a get out of jail free card - the emotional equivalent of punching you in the face and when you say ‘ow’ pulling the phrase out.

Guess you would know which one is more applicable in your relationship.

pooopypants · 04/12/2020 11:02

Context is everything OP

JessieR2386 · 04/12/2020 11:11

It very much depends what he did to annoy you.

I remember once I had a bad PMT and my husband tripped over and fell and took half our dishes with him. .... I wasn't overly pleasant about the accident ( PMT made me unbearable at times tbh). If he had said that he would be justified.

If he'd done something bad that you had naturally reacted to then, while technically true, it's an invalidating statement to make and would irritate me as well.

Like a lot if pp have said, context is everything.....

Original poster
heom45 · 04/12/2020 11:15

Thanks for the replies.
OK so basically there were a couple of points over the weekend where I felt he was quite ungrateful.. He has to be fair apologised for that.. But added to me being in a bit of a mood from that I mentioned something i've had a niggle about for a while that happened over the weekend too.
His reply basically mentioned me still having an old married surname ('but he couldn't care less') and that he 'wasn't defecting'.. Except I feel he was as it was nothing to do with it and then came the fact he's not responsible for my emotions.
Agreed on the factors of.. Bad day at work? My child playing up? Friend drama etc.. None of it his 'responsibility'.. Niggles with us.. His surely.. Just like it would be mine if it was the other way round?!

OP posts:
lovemenot · 04/12/2020 11:21

My ex used to do that.....problem was his behaviour and attitude was a direct contributor to my unhappiness.

So I took responsibility for my own happiness/emotions. And he became an ex!

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 04/12/2020 11:25

Depends on context of the person saying it.

If it was my DH saying that, it would be a fair and true comment and he'd only say it if I was needing a reality check.

JessieR2386 · 04/12/2020 11:34

So he responded to your critisism by bringing up something totally unrelated ( your surname), and when you got annoyed about this he said he wasn't deflecting or responsible for your emotions.

It sounds like one of those really annoying arguments that fuck with your head a bit..... Does he do that often?

And I agree with you in this instance btw. It sounds invalidating.

Original poster
heom45 · 04/12/2020 14:32

I think the bigger picture is I used to talk to him about stuff.. If its anything 'us' related he seems to go into shut down mode and back away by being quiet/ignoring. So I resorted to messaging him which apparently he 'hates and finds it resolves nothing'..
Like I said he's great to speak to about everything apart from unless it's to do with anything emotional about us.. I don't know what to do really as its not healthy

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2020 14:34

It’s not healthy and you sound incompatible. It shouldn’t be this hard. If you can’t find a way to communicate openly between you then just end it. It’s exhausting reading about it, you must both be shattered.

Original poster
heom45 · 04/12/2020 14:44

Anne I'd say we are very compatible in ways but yes communications key and I can't see him changing.
Very sad but I won't be moulded inot what he feels I should be like according to his thoughts, that's not fair

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2020 14:54

It’s not fair. Communication is so important, as you know. You deserve to feel heard and he seems to need different things as well.

Have you read about the love languages? Might not change anything but could be helpful to look into.

ravenmum · 04/12/2020 15:46

Sounds a bit like he doesn't think it's worth discussing "us" as he doesn't see "us" as something worth working on?

I'm not sure I understand your desription - but: your emotions aren't his responsibility, no, but they should be his business if he wants a relationship with you. Having said that, sometimes it's also up to the emotional partner to realise that they shouldn't be taking out their emotions on the other partner, apologise, and either go off and cool down or try to self-regulate. The other partner might then also be more prepared to offer comfort.

Original poster
heom45 · 04/12/2020 17:08

Raven agreed. I definately try and rationalise it before I ever mention anything that I think I may just be being a bit silly over but the reaction is a kind of 'don't want to discuss it because it's your issue' type feeling I get which isn't nice

OP posts:
Ilovetheseventies · 04/12/2020 20:12

Not a very nice. Supportive reply from him, I don't think his comment was helpful. Sounds like a right dick.

ChristmasFluff · 04/12/2020 20:49

I agree with lots of the comments above - and the interpretation depends on the situation.

My mother kept our family in line and hostage to her moods and whims. It was massively liberating to me to tell her I wasn't responsible for her emotions.

On the other hand, knowing that my emotions are my own responsibility means that it is easy to jettison people who bring me down nowadays.

And it also means I have to take responsibility for myself. If I'm the one throwing a mood - which is basically a manipulation tactic - but a very common one, due to society.

So yeah, I'd suggest to change the focus from what he needs to do, onto what you need to do to be happy. That might mean leaving him.

Don't bank on potential, don't imagine he'll change, do what you think will make you happy.

The whole text communication though - that's not right.

Original poster
heom45 · 04/12/2020 21:53

Thanks all. Well tonight he was due at mine as usual. Time went by and I heard nothing. I was on the phone to my friend and she said shed seen there had been an accident on the Rd he'd pass along.. I didn't panic but did send him a message checking to see if he was ok/stuck in it..he didn't read for about 10 mins so I said I'd call him quickly..no answer.. More time passes and I'm getting worried..id done dinner and had a bottle of wine open.. Queue I see him typing on wats app.. I'm confused but get a casual 'sorry I thought things were off this week so I haven't come over'..
I literally lost it.. I've ended things.. He calmly told me that he hadn't had a reply today and so assumed I was cross with him... Yes like I said I lost it and told him he behaved like a toddler and I was done.
Merry f'ng Christmas and what a great end to a shite 2020 eah😭

OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 04/12/2020 23:51

Nobody is responsible for anybody else's emotions, but if you're in a loving relationship you care deeply what those emotions are and you respond supportively. Otherwise you're just a passerby.

WiseOwlWan · 05/12/2020 00:01

This is one of those statements that is true but only up to a point.

I don't want to blame anybody else for how I feel, and I don't. With the exception of my parents who have had an agenda for 35+ years to not hear me, who shut me down, who give me the silent treatment, who - if I call them out on having hurt me throw themselves up on the cross with pantomime martyrdom............. so, I see them as goading me feeling upset. I feel upset because of them.

But I don't blame anybody else for emotions that are nothing to do with them. Sometimes your emotions are a logical response to the way you're treated.

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