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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH slapped DS across the face

43 replies

LPN · 20/10/2007 21:12

I stopped loving and trusting him a while ago - he was unfaithful.

He only started making any effort with DS when he was around 15 months - he's nearly 4 now.

He is negative, aggressive, self-pitying and it's changed me a bit.

The only reason I am still with him is because if I leave, he will have to be allowed access to DS and I don't want him to. If I stay, I see everything as he NEVER bothers about 1 to 1 with DS.

Tonight DS scratched him on the face deliberately. He did it earlier too. DH smacked DS accross the face. I heard it in the next room.

DS had been a nightmare all day, but never an excuse for this disgusting behaviour.

If I make him go, he will have access to DS alone (not that I think he will repeat this neccessarily, but he is a bully and may be emotionally horrible to him).

OP posts:
screamsprout · 20/10/2007 21:13

How awful. Is ds ok? Are you?

boolepew · 20/10/2007 21:14

Either take your ds and leave or kick him out now

FrannyandZooey · 20/10/2007 21:15

I am not sure if he will be able to have access to ds alone if he is on record as having hit him across the face

please get out of there, it is much worse for ds to live with this everyday and also by you staying, to think that you condone it

NomDeBroomstick · 20/10/2007 21:16

If your DH is physically abusive to your 4 yaer old child and you left him, I suspect you would have reasonable grounds for accompanied access (or whatver they call it) for your DS (ie he would not be left alone with your child)

fawkeoff · 20/10/2007 21:17

there is no excuse for him to hit ds around the face for any reason, its just disgusting. just leave him, put it on record that he has shown violence towards ds.

MyTwopenceworth · 20/10/2007 21:17

Emotionally horrible like he is being at the moment you mean?

So you stay with him - giving him access to the child - because if you leave him he will have access to the child? Are you saying you feel he will injure your child? If that's the case, you can argue for supervised access.

Hulababy · 20/10/2007 21:17

I suspect if your DH is being physically abusive to your child he will only be allowed surpervised access/contact.

snowleopard · 20/10/2007 21:19

So sorry to hear all this LPN. I'm not an expert on these things but someone else might be - I wonder if the fact that he is physically abusive to DS could count against him having unsupervised access? I would start a (very secret) diary where you keep a record of anything like this that happens, and also get some legal advice about what would happen re access if you split. Maybe CAB or maybe someone will be along who can give you some useful contacts.

It also sounds as if he may be a dad who loses interest and doesn't end up seeing his son anyway. Not ideal generally of course, but perhaps a good thing in the cicumstances. I read somewere that a significant proportion of fathers just stop bothering with access after a separation.

Your poor DS - his behaviour may well be linked to his father's attitude and behaviour anyway.

fondant4000 · 20/10/2007 21:19

I'd agree with FZ. If you don't help him by removing the threat, he'll hate you more than his dad.

It might not be fair, but I always held it against my mum that she would rather stay with a man than stand up for her children. It may be that she had her reasons, she may have thought she was protecting us, but that's not how it seemed to us.

Your son has to know that you will stop what has happened from ever happening again.

screamsprout · 20/10/2007 21:19

Also, and I don't mean to criticise when you are in the middle of such difficult circumstances, but it is clear that you being there does not, per se, keep ds safe. Agree that you must consider your options.

Original poster
LPN · 20/10/2007 21:20

He is a twat constantly, but has never physically done anything before.

How do you go about recording things officially ?

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 20/10/2007 21:22

You could phone the police if you wanted to

it is illegal to hit a child so hard that it leaves a mark, as it is to hit anyone else

Alambil · 20/10/2007 21:22

it would absolutely go against him for unsupervised contact

My ex was abusive to me, ds was 6 months old when we left and he wasn't allowed unsupervised contact cos I argued he wasn't able enough to look after the baby.... having actually hit the child will go SO much in your favour

You could go to the police and get it on record, otherwise the court (if it got that far) will only ever say the slap was "alleged" because there is no record of it.

Alambil · 20/10/2007 21:23

sorry - cross post.

To make it official, ring the police

fawkeoff · 20/10/2007 21:23

yes am with F&Z ring the police, i think that social services will be informed also so that if access goes to court you will have proof to back up the concerns.

amytheearwaxbanisher · 20/10/2007 21:23

your poor dsno matter how much he was carrying on dh should not have hit him!

Original poster
LPN · 20/10/2007 21:25

So I just go to the police station and report it ?

Will they need to see DS, will they ask him about it ?

There is no mark now, but there was after it happened.

OP posts:
ItsGrimUpNorth · 20/10/2007 21:26

Yeah. Get rid of him. He can have supervised access. Are you sure you want to get rid of him? DS doesn't HAVE to see him if he doesn't want to, surely?

FrannyandZooey · 20/10/2007 21:27

I am no expert LPN but I believe that you could report him for assaulting your son

if you heard the blow from another room and it left a mark on his face at the time, then what he did was illegal

you could phone police or social services or somewhere like childline for advice? Is dh there now?

lisad123 · 20/10/2007 21:27

you said he has never made an effort with DS so why would you be worried about access?

I would leave, for your sons sake please.

fawkeoff · 20/10/2007 21:29

just ring the police,tell them he did it a bit ago but you were scared and didnt know what to do

Tipex · 20/10/2007 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LPN · 20/10/2007 21:31

DS will want to see him.

We live in a very small town and would bump into him and his family anyway (although I would move if nec).

Don't think he's done enough to allow me to stop any access, not sure I would anyway. He adores his Dad (!!??!!).

He drinks too much as well. Could not allow him to have DS overnight. He honestly doesn't see it as an issue, but he gets pissed regularly.

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 20/10/2007 21:33

womens aid..........0808 2000 247
ring them and let them know what you are dealing with, they will help you

Tipex · 20/10/2007 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.