DH slapped DS across the face

[LPN]

I stopped loving and trusting him a while ago - he was unfaithful.

He only started making any effort with DS when he was around 15 months - he's nearly 4 now.

He is negative, aggressive, self-pitying and it's changed me a bit.

The only reason I am still with him is because if I leave, he will have to be allowed access to DS and I don't want him to. If I stay, I see everything as he NEVER bothers about 1 to 1 with DS.

Tonight DS scratched him on the face deliberately. He did it earlier too. DH smacked DS accross the face. I heard it in the next room.

DS had been a nightmare all day, but never an excuse for this disgusting behaviour.

If I make him go, he will have access to DS alone (not that I think he will repeat this neccessarily, but he is a bully and may be emotionally horrible to him).

Was about to say that he has never hit me, but actually he did. Years and years ago. He was pissed (I prob was too - very young, before married). He was convinced I was seeing someone else (I was not !!!). Can't believe I actually forgot that.

He basically has a horrible temper which it appears he can not control.

I have all my family in the area.

So are his. They are twats who drink too much, but they are intelligent, have good jobs, well off(ish). I am scared they could wangle joint custody or something

you need to report what happened. you need to get him out, worry about the "what if" when you need to. it would be very unlikely that he get joint custody. he is not fit to have joint custody if he is violent and a drunk

ring womens aid please.....they help women and children who are suffering violent and emotional abuse

He'd still be better protected than you having to keep watch constantly IMO.

Of course your son will want to see his dad, but he will know that what he did was wrong and that will give him strength to tell you, or someone else if something similar happened again. You have to help your son protect himself by showing it's wrong.

After he hit him, he was trying to tell me (above DS's screaming) that DS had scratched him again.

I said did you hit him ? He said yes.

I took DS into his room and cuddled him. Told him Mummy's here, all ok etc.

When he calmed down I asked him if Daddy hit him. He said yes. I asked where. He said his face. He then said he scratched Daddy and wanted to go and apologise. I didn't want him to, but he started to get stressed (tantrums when stressed - poss has some issues - another story) and ran in to tell DH sorry, but was shouting SORRY DADDY !

DH didn't really respond and has sulked all evening upstairs.

I do not want DS to turn out anything like DH. I need to kick him out don't I...

yes I don't think you can stay with a man that hits your children and does not realise they have done anything wrong

I am really fucking angry now !!!

I felt numb earlier, couldn't understand why.

May disappear for a bit. I need to talk to him. I want him out now. Why should he stay here tonight ? It's not my problem where he goes is it ?

he has family near by, they can take him in . kick him out, he is a bastard for doing what he has done, and has made ds feel like its his fault when its not

Go easy LPN

you don't have to do it all tonight, just take care of yourself and your ds first and foremost

Doubt he will get angry again tonight. Might sound weird, but I can kind of predict.

Just want him gone.

Can't do this when DS is awake.

Forgot to say thank you all for listening and advising.

I am not new. Have name changed.

How did everything go?

Until you get your situation sorted you have to report everything. Any incidents that have happened in the past etc. You will then have a case for supervised visits only, these take place with yourself or a social worker present.

Has he ever been violent to you? He sounds like a bully, only a bully would do that to a child. You have to protect your son. Good to hear you are being strong about this. If he refuses to go I would phone the police and report the abuse. They can remove him from the house if there is a threat to you or your son.

while i agree with everyone who said you should not put up with this, i dont agree with everyone who said he wont get access and this is enough for supervised contact.

it is very difficult to get a court to stop access with a dad and i dont want you to think it isnt. im sorry if that sounds negative, but imagine if dh said you slapped ds and the court stopped you seeing him - its unthinkable. i think sometimes mums forget that they dont have absolute control over their children. i have been through court and it is hard. it wont go all your way because of one slap.

i hope you resolve the situation in the best possible way for you and ds, i dont mean to make it sound impossible but i have often seen people suggest supervised contact as though its done all the time and from my experience this isnt what happens.

Peskipixie - this is what I am worried about.

Talked to him last night. Went ok. Can't talk much now, have to take DS out. Don't feel in any danger atm, but not going to allow this to go.

Am going to get everything straight in my head then report to police.

LPN - hope you are OK

I left my H 9 weeks ago becase he hit our 5 year old son around the head. This was not the first time he had been violent to the children,

I went to the police who documented the assualt on ds and reported the event to the child protection team. Because I had left home ( I am back here now) there was no further action taken and I did not press charges on my sons behalf. If I had wanted to press charges, they would have wanted to speak to my two elder children.

The access thing is complex. My H has agreed for the time being to supervised access only - he is staying with his parents so it is informal I agee tha to limit access to formally supervisesd ( ie at a social service centre) is difficult and will be don ethrough the courts.

I think your Ds sounds like he has issues related to his fathers behaviour. My kids used to fight all th time ( I have 3 boys now 9,5 and 2) and be agressive. Since I seperated from my H everything is the house has calmed down, my second ds is blossoming in a way I cold never have imagined at school and we are all much happier ( except for my H of course...)

tbh i rather feel that violence escalates. tis may be the first time he has hit your son but I doubt it will b the last especially if he dosnt think he has done anything wrong (my H's response to my challenging his physical abuse of our son was that 'He provoked me' - pathetic )

Good luck whatever you decide

I've been trying to sort out supervised access for my dcs with their Dad for some time. So far no success and he isn't seeing them at all at the moment (he left my younger dd alone (she is 6 and has severe SN) when he was looking after them and drove 30 miles away).

Supervised access is very expensive - the local one here costs £3,000 for 10 sessions!! If you can get legal aid, then it may all be covered. The manager of it told me he mainly dealt with fathers who had for instance sexually abused or tried to abduct their children. I am not saying a slap isn't serious and your situation sounds terrible (and familiar to me sadly), but I'm not sure it would be enough for supervised access - this is for the courts to decide. I think you have to be referred either by social services or by a solicitor through the courts.

There is also supported access here - which means the father can see their child in a large room with other fathers and children as well, with a few carers present to keep an eye, but nothing like as heavy duty as supervised contact. This costs less too. Hope this is helpful and good luck.