Why am I allowing myself to be treated this way?

[Dumb1]

Hi all. Just looking for someone to shake some sense into me, this will probably be a long post but I'll try and keep it to the point.

My long term partner of 12 years left me in July for a woman 10 years younger than us, we are both in our early 30s. I was completely blindsided by it, I honestly never thought this would happen to us, but then again I don't think anyone ever expects this to happen to them. He basically went out one night and never came home then returned the following day and told me it was over. He insisted there was noone else right up until I found out who it was, within a week he had moved out of our home and in with her.

The reasons he gave for this are all the usual ones given in this situation, ie the cheaters script. He loves me but isn't in love with me, wasn't happy for a long time etc. All news to me as we were actively trying for a baby.

I am not at all proud of how I have behaved since this happened. I was desperate for him back, constantly texting and calling him, begging for another chance, I even contacted the other woman which I know I definitely shouldn't have. During his relationship with her he was still seeing me most days, crying constantly, telling me he was suicidal, drinking obscene amounts daily which is completely out of character for him. We also slept together once during that time.

Their relationship only lasted around 4/5 weeks and then he moved into his mums. From what I can gather she didn't want the drama and found him to be quite manipulative. He fully blamed me for the breakup in the beginning and said some very hurtful awful things.

Embarrassingly through all this I just kept begging him to come back, I truly felt he'd had some kind of mental breakdown, he has been off work since all this happened which again is completely out of character. I was the one who encouraged him to get some anti depressants from his GP, I paid all the things that needed paying (I know, I know I'm stupid).

The past month I felt that maybe things were getting better we were spending alot of time together and started to be intimate again. This is where it gets bad, I'm truly ashamed that I've allowed myself to be treated like this. We've had sex and other things, but he refuses to kiss me, refuses to stay over and point blank refuses to try again. I feel completely degraded and have lost all respect for myself and I can see he's definitely lost all respect for me too. He says he still does not want to be with me. Why the hell do I keep sleeping with him, whenever he leaves I spend hours crying and feeling like crap. He claims at times that he only sees me because I want him to, but still turns up uninvited and let's himself in, yes he still has a key. Again I know 😞.

I don't know how to let go, I know I have to. I'm still completely in love with him and in my head I've convinced myself that he will realize that he wants to come back. I've been invited to his family Xmas as usual this year but I'm thinking it's a bad idea going, the alternative is it stay at home on my own.

I guesse what I am asking is how do I let go. I've tried no contact and failed miserabley, I've tried online dating and it made me feel sick, I've taken up regular exercise, started volunteering, Journaling all the things that are supposed to help and still I feel like I cannot let go, I've always been a hopeless romantic and I think in my head I've convinced myself we're supposed to be together. So wise mumsnetters I'm fully expecting to be ripped apart here but maybe that's what I need. What should I do?

You know what to do. You have said it all yourself. I am not sure what mote there is to say. You won't listen to us telling you that deserve better than him until it dawns on yourself.

Just ride it out. But for christs sake, double up on the contraception.

What should you do?

STOP.

Stop with the sex, the seeing him, the begging, everything. Whatever's going on with him is HIS problem to sort out. You can't 'fix' him into wanting to come back by having sex with him.

Get your key back.

Oh god yes, don't 'accidentally' get pregnant.

You need to go full no contact. I've done this before when I couldn't move on and it worked for me. Get your key back. Block him on all social media, on WhatsApp etc. Say goodbye to his family. Give him back any remaining belongings. Just tie up all the loose ends.

After a while of going no contact I could actually start to get over it and heal and move on. And what's more you start to see them as the arsehole they really were.

There is no magic way to make yourself get over it, you just need to pull yourself together and cut contact. He's an arsehole and he's using you because you are letting him. How can you love somebody who treats you this way? He's not worth your attention. His other woman worked out that he was a loser pretty quickly. It's time you did the same. He is not going to come back to you except for a quick available shag.

of course he will get take easy sex wherever he can.
and you are probably a lot cleaner than some random he might pick up.
sorry to sound brutal. but..
you need to be on your own. don't try dating. just be on your own.
do you not have any friends / relatives you could go to for xmas.
imagine yourself in thirty years time. how will you look back on this period. what advice would you give yourself.
you can do it. you've learnt a valuable lesson. you don't want to have a child with someone like that. he would have been off anyway, sooner or later. bye-byeeeee.

God you need to stop this. You're going to look back on this period of your life in five years and wonder what the hell you were doing.

Get some self respect and just cut contact, he's treating you like dog shit and you know it. Imagine a friend had written your post? What would you tell her? Ask yourself why you think you deserve to be treated like this, it might be worth getting some counselling.

He's taking advantage of you but you're letting him. He sounds horrible so I'm pretty sure you should be able to do better than him. Better yet stay single and work on developing some love for yourself rather than throwing it at someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about you.

Honestly you are worth so much better than the shitty way he is treating you. The only way to get over him is to completely cut ALL contact. Block him everywhere, social media, WhatsApp, EVERYWHERE! I know it's hard and you will feel like you have cut off a limb but it really is the only way. If he comes to your home, ask for the key back and tell him to leave. You need to gain back control. He doesn't get to come into your life whenever he feels like it, he gave that up when he left you. Please do not feel bad about the way you have behaved so far, you are only human and when you love someone it's very easy to become needy and clingy, but you really are worth much more than the crumbs he is giving you. Start getting angry.

Rather than ask for the key back I think I'd just change the locks, that way you don't have to have that painful conversation with him.

He’s having sex with you and not kissing you because doesn’t want you, you know he is using you for a quick shag and you’re allowing him. He’s having his cake and eating it.

He isn’t coming back to you, sadly love isn’t a romantic comedy and even if he said he wanted to try again (which he won’t) you would never be able to trust him again, it’s no way to live.

Like others have said the literal only way to get over him is to completely cut contact, block him everywhere, get your key back, and make sure you’ve returned anything of his back to his mum.

Unfortunately this will continue for years unless you suck it up and pull your finger out... it’s your choice, temporary pain or pain for the foreseeable when he inevitably meets someone else and rubs it in your face?

Great advice from PPs.

Don’t wait to feel ready to block him. You have to do it before you feel ready. You won’t start to feel ready to let him go until some time after you have let him go. There is a myth that motivation precedes action. Actually, in most cases, action precedes motivation. Start today and as time passes and you start to get clear from him, you will feel motivated to continue.

Block him now. Say goodbye to his family, if that feels appropriate. Just explain to them that you need time to heal and that means going NC with all of them but it is no reflection on them (his family) - it’s just what you need to do for yourself. Don’t say anything to him. He’s made clear he doesn’t want you. You owe him no explanations.

Change your locks.

You might find it helpful to read Women Who Love Too Much. You know that his deeply shitty and cruel treatment of you should have killed your love for him. You may find it helpful to have therapy to work on why you value yourself so little and to avoid letting anyone treat you like this in the future.

This is not romcom territory. There is nothing romantic or comic about him treating you like utter shit.

Cut him out of your life now. The sooner you go this, the sooner you will be beyond him. Your future self will thank you.

You are still in the fantasy.

You talk about being meant to be together... But he has trashed the relationship.
Is that really how it's meant to be?

Something that helped me was "what more do I need to see?"
Looking at what you have seen thus far, it has turned into a horror show. What more is there that you want to see?

Stop being available to him and be available to you.
Put the focus on you.
What do you need?
Practice feeling good.
Where do you want to be in a year?
If you continue on this path you will be in the same space
Or worse.
This is damaging you.

Sometimes we get into such a bad state in relationships that the injustice can be a driver in keeping us in it, trying to be seen, heard, understood and validated.

Self esteem is key.
Work on that.

Baggage reclaim is a good site for unpicking some of this stuff.

You can get over this.

Thanks all. Exactly the kind of advice I needed to hear. I have definitely been living in this fantasy that he will realize what he's done and come back but hearing complete strangers confirm that he's using me and that isn't going to happen is what I need.
We have been using protection, this isn't some ploy to trap him with a pregnancy, as desperate as I may sound I would never do something like that. I can't explain exactly why I do it, I just miss him and I guesse am scraping up and scraps of attention he's willing to give. Yes I know its pathetic I really must stop.

I was already receiving counciling when all this happened and still am although it's now over the phone. The no contact thing, I really, really struggle with. I mange ok for a few days, I think the longest I managed was 6 days and then I crack in a moment of weakness and it all starts all over again. I've lost so much weight, I'm not sleeping and just feel so unwell. I don't have any family and not many few friends that I didn't meet through him so he has essentially been my everything for 10 years and I don't know how to be alone. I'm so ashamed admitting all this, I never thought I'd be this woman I was always adamant if someone cheated on me they'd be gone. I don't even recognize myself anymore.

Walk away from this despicable prick with your head held high.
He has no respect for you. You're just free and convenient sex, and that's not a dig at you. Hes using your pain to get what he wants from you.
He is an arsehole of the highest order!

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-wednesday-what-do-i-do-now-that-ive-fallen-off-the-no-contact-wagon/

@Dumb1

You absolutely do not need ripped apart. You are already feeling awful, you do not need anyone bringing you down.
Having been through similar you will find this thread will help you begin to end this cycle. I had great support on here I really appreciate what people told me.
You need to start reading up on why you are continuing this destructive behaviour. Read up on trauma bonding. Read up on chemical responses to toxic relationships. Read up on these things to give your mind time to process the why. In my experience it's only then can you begin to heal. And cutting yourself off from him will be terrifying. But you will be able to do it. No it won't be easy, yes you will feel like giving in and reconnecting with him but please keep reading over and over the reasons why. It does help. Use this thread if you feel you need to reach out, so so many women have experienced similar.
Good d luck OP

Change your locks for a start.

If I were you I'd move away, for a fresh start.

That girl got his ticket within a few weeks, that he was manipulative. I hope you see it now too.

Go and read the chumplady.com site. Loads of people in your position but her posts are great. You deserve better.

I'm so ashamed admitting all this, I never thought I'd be this woman

Don't be ashamed. Many of the most famous and successful women in the world have been cheated on and treated like crap. Beyonce, Jennifer Aniston, Liz Hurley, Demi Moore...! Seriously though, so many of us have been through this. I genuinely think my ex was so emotionally manipulative that even the strongest, most secure woman would have been ruined by him. Don't blame yourself.

I'm sorry, don't beat yourself up or be ashamed. We are all doing the best we can. Meanwhile block him, change the locks and get a STD test.

You don't know where he's been.

Thank you all for your advice I know you're all completely right. I will have a look those links and read up on all the suggestions.

I know I should hate him and shouldn't want to see him or speak to him but I don't at all. I think if our relationship had problems before this then it may be easier but we honestly had no problems. He really was my best friend, we had so much fun together and I really thought it was perfect, I don't recognize the man he's become. I blocked him last night and haven't spoken to him, although I have checked my blocked messages etc and he's been trying to contact me all day so I'm expecting him to turn up at some point.

I think in reality this is all my doing, all my begging, crying etc made him see me through guilt and now its massively backfired. I also think his family may be putting pressue on him, but it needs to stop now. I know we couldn't carry on in a relationship now regardless but it's like I'm addicted to him.

Think about this: the reason he doesn't kiss you when you are having sex might be because he doesn't want to "cheat" on someone else

He's shagging you through guilt? C'mon OP!

Totally understand and feel for you
I am similar in that I’m a bit of a romantic and I thought I had found the person I was meant to be with and allowed them to walk all over me, even though I knew it was wrong and it angered me how I was being treated and it was embarrassing I still couldnt give up on the relationship.
It took me a long time to get angry enough to think that is ENOUGH. It actually felt really good to tell him that and to feel like I was getting control back of my life, at first I got a bit of a kick out of him still trying it on and even though it was so hard to say no it also felt great and made me stronger. I worked on myself, having respect for myself.
You will be giving yourself the chance to move on and eventually when the time is right meet a person who will deserve you, where as he will probably end up jumping from one failed relationship to another. The tables will turn and you will lose respect for him.

OP, I’m sorry your so torn apart by it all. I too have been in this situation and I was the idiot that done all the same as you, except he did come back. I’ve never been ‘settled’ or ‘back to myself’ again. I lost myself and i still haven’t found my footing in the world. (We have 1 dc together making it different between us and you both).

If i could offer any advice, remove his key. Stop sleeping with him. Don’t beg for him to come back as you will find you won’t ever be as happy together as you’s once were. You will always have that niggling feeling. Any argument, you’ll always feel you have the ‘upper hand’ because he slept with the OW. Your mental health, your wellbeing and your sanity need to come first.

Sending lots of love and support. Life can and will get better. You will find someone worth your time and energy.