Why am I allowing myself to be treated this way?

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Hi all. Just looking for someone to shake some sense into me, this will probably be a long post but I'll try and keep it to the point.

My long term partner of 12 years left me in July for a woman 10 years younger than us, we are both in our early 30s. I was completely blindsided by it, I honestly never thought this would happen to us, but then again I don't think anyone ever expects this to happen to them. He basically went out one night and never came home then returned the following day and told me it was over. He insisted there was noone else right up until I found out who it was, within a week he had moved out of our home and in with her.

The reasons he gave for this are all the usual ones given in this situation, ie the cheaters script. He loves me but isn't in love with me, wasn't happy for a long time etc. All news to me as we were actively trying for a baby.

I am not at all proud of how I have behaved since this happened. I was desperate for him back, constantly texting and calling him, begging for another chance, I even contacted the other woman which I know I definitely shouldn't have. During his relationship with her he was still seeing me most days, crying constantly, telling me he was suicidal, drinking obscene amounts daily which is completely out of character for him. We also slept together once during that time.

Their relationship only lasted around 4/5 weeks and then he moved into his mums. From what I can gather she didn't want the drama and found him to be quite manipulative. He fully blamed me for the breakup in the beginning and said some very hurtful awful things.

Embarrassingly through all this I just kept begging him to come back, I truly felt he'd had some kind of mental breakdown, he has been off work since all this happened which again is completely out of character. I was the one who encouraged him to get some anti depressants from his GP, I paid all the things that needed paying (I know, I know I'm stupid).

The past month I felt that maybe things were getting better we were spending alot of time together and started to be intimate again. This is where it gets bad, I'm truly ashamed that I've allowed myself to be treated like this. We've had sex and other things, but he refuses to kiss me, refuses to stay over and point blank refuses to try again. I feel completely degraded and have lost all respect for myself and I can see he's definitely lost all respect for me too. He says he still does not want to be with me. Why the hell do I keep sleeping with him, whenever he leaves I spend hours crying and feeling like crap. He claims at times that he only sees me because I want him to, but still turns up uninvited and let's himself in, yes he still has a key. Again I know 😞.

I don't know how to let go, I know I have to. I'm still completely in love with him and in my head I've convinced myself that he will realize that he wants to come back. I've been invited to his family Xmas as usual this year but I'm thinking it's a bad idea going, the alternative is it stay at home on my own.

I guesse what I am asking is how do I let go. I've tried no contact and failed miserabley, I've tried online dating and it made me feel sick, I've taken up regular exercise, started volunteering, Journaling all the things that are supposed to help and still I feel like I cannot let go, I've always been a hopeless romantic and I think in my head I've convinced myself we're supposed to be together. So wise mumsnetters I'm fully expecting to be ripped apart here but maybe that's what I need. What should I do?

Send a message telling him you've changed the locks then block him again.
This happened to me OP , years ago. Time heals. I had great pleasure ,when he phoned a couple of years later asking to meet, telling him to fuck off.
You're worth more than this. Good luck.
Don't mope at Christmas, maybe volunteer ?

@twentyviginti I don't mean he's been sleeping with me out of guilt, I mean he was seeing me out of guilt and its progressed to this as he may aswell get something out of it? I don't know I just try and over think everything to try and make sense of it when in reality I should just stop there's nothing that can justify his actions, or mine because I've allowed it to continue.

Thank you to the ladies who've shared their own experiences, it's good to know that others have been through similar situations. @newbeginnings2 I do feel that I'm getting to the point now where I've had enough which is why I've posted, previously when this has happened though or he's had an inkling that I'm moving on he's reeled me back in some way or another with false hope or trying to make me feel sorry for him but I really feel I'm at the point I don't care anymore. This is the time he'd usually turn up so I've taken myself out for a long walk so I can avoid him.

@butterfly4321 I hope things get better for you .

When I change the locks I won't be telling him, when he left he took all his belongings, (right down to emptying the loft, while I lay on the floor crying my eyes out) apart from large items which we agreed i would keep so he's no reason to need to know.

all my begging, crying etc made him see me through guilt

No, more likely that he’s still seeing and sleeping with you because you’re letting him. He knows he can have sex with you and just leave after, and you’ll let him. He’s walking all over you.

@whitevixen maybe I'm not wording it correctly but I'm fully aware that he's using me and I'm being a doormat.

I created this post for advice and encouragement really to move on not to try and win him back. What I meant was we got into the habit of him coming round because I was in such a state and he felt the need to check on me. Maybe guilt isn't the word to use because he obviously does not feel guilty if that's what he's doing. I don't know I'm babbling. I know he's a horrible person now.

He came round while I was out, I know because he made it obvious he had been. I still have him blocked so that's the first 24 hours down. Going to run a bath, read through the websites that ladies have suggested and watch a documentary as night times are when I'm weakest and feel the loneliness and usually contact him.

Look up relationship addiction.
There is a 12 step group for that, Sex, love and relationships anonymous.

There are chemical changes that happen, OP has mentioned trauma bond.
Look that up.

Put the focus on you, addressing your pain, and on getting over this.

Look up Alan Robarge on You Tube.
Pia Melody talk about love addiction in her books.

Look for resources, cut him off and find your way back to you.
It's you or him.
Choose you.

@onacleardayyoucansee thank you so much. I definitely have to choose me. This really hit a chord with me ❤️ x

It's only been a few months, no one would expect you to be over the relationship yet so go easy on yourself. You've taken up exercise and volunteering and he's taken up drinking excessively and not going to work so it should be him who loses respect tbh. If you had somehow known at the start of your relationship that he was gonna do this, you wouldn't have entertained it. My point being that you're not in love with the person he actually is, just who you thought he was.

Oh you poor thing.

Have you got nice family? If you do, "go home to mother" if you can and just have a few days away, (change your locks before you go) and let yourself be looked after a bit.

Treat yourself kindly.

Today, make it your mission to change the locks.

Absolutely cheeky bastard coming into your home when you're out.

I do feel for you but bear in mind you are simply a convenient vagina, you aren’t even a person to him.
He will not miraculously say mid shag “oh hang on what a terrible mistake I do love you and we can go back to how things were” and even if he did he would be lying
Your relationship has gone as surely as if he had died, but at least if he had he wouldn’t keep coming back for sex. Women think that somehow if they are “enough” they can fix men, they can’t. He’s a Dick and thank a God you found out before you were tethered to him by a baby
You are you g enough to have a new, great life without him so do that and cut him off completely.
To quote the great philosopher Dua Lipa “if you are under him, you ain’t getting over him”

Cut all contact. Delete numbers, messages etc.

Pretend he doesn't exist and soon enough you will start to thank yourself and see how much better you deserve

Dont wait to feel ready to block him. You have to do it before you feel ready. You won’t start to feel ready to let him go until some time after you have let him go

This is excellent advice. You have to grit your teeth and do the hard bit now. Make it difficult to contact him - delete his number, delete him from your Facebook etc, have your locks changed.

Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends who you’re not super close to. If you need to chat to someone, start a thread on here.

Talk to family about Christmas - do not go to his family! If you really are going to be alone, plan now for it. Order some yummy food from M&S, buy an expensive bubble bath and a face mask, get a new book, plan yourself a nice day at home.

Basically - you know what the triggers are which make you contact him. Think them through and plan a way to counter them. Concentrate on you - you are the most important person for you to worry about. You may feel alone, but you absolutely are not - so many women (and men) have been where you are now, you can get past this.

Op

First- this all ISN'T out of character for him. I'd lay money that the signs were there. This isn't a ' blip' in his behaviour.

Imagine that you woke up and 5 years had passed with no change. How would you feel?

You will be ok. As pp said- create healthier habits for yourself, and once you've had space, the penny will drop.

Also, these types always cycle back.
I would lay money on this one. As soon as you start to remove him and cut the ties he will be round changing his mind and will lead you on a miserable old dance until you, again, put a stop to it.

He has killed it.
The behaviour is irredeemable and you can never be safe with him again.

You deserve more than this.

He doesn't love you, and will never be worth it.

You deserve more than scraps of attention from a man that treats you so badly.

Please, block him to move on, and don't look back.

You deserve more than this. Say it to yourself.

You have been used and that is horrible. People don't treat someone they love like this. You need to start getting angry so you can get over him.

I think you just need to accept the next few months are unfortunately going to be really really tough. Keep doing as you’re doing keeping yourself busy as much as you can, if the evenings are when you’re struggling perhaps try some activities to keep you busy? Cooking? Even cleaning? My friend has recently gone through something similar and she’s starting to finally feel happy again, and you will too! Be kind to yourself, don’t feel ashamed, just try and make yourself and feelings number one priority now. He doesn’t make you feel good so don’t do it!