I think my husband is selfish but he disagrees

[Cutestbaby]

I will describe recent events but it is a good example of what it has been all our life. I had a baby a few days ago. For 5 weeks leading up to the birth I was very unwell with frequent hospital trips. And at one point after a procedure that I had to have, I was unable to get up to even go to the toilet, but my husband left me at home and went to work. We have 2 older children that are at school during the day and get themselves there. On the day of baby's birth my husband worked from home and did so for the day after too. He then went back to work even though he had holidays to take if he wanted to. He has now declared he is planning to go football at the weekend and doesn't understand why I think his behaviour is awful on so many levels. And in general he is not interested in what goes on at school, over the years I stopped telling him or asking to come to any events as it always felt like he is doing me a major favour and his expression of dislike when he did come is quite hurtful so no point . It is the same with any house work, cooking etc. It's all my responsibility and when he does do something to help out, it's a major achievement. He has two hobbies golf and football and during the warm part of the year it is not unusual for him to spend both Sat and Sun playing those sports. Because he manages to fit in a supermarket trip he thinks that's great going. If I ask him to do or not to do something (e.g.leave he clothes around ) that means I moan. And if he does do something that I specifically asked to do like wash up there is always food left on dishes and I think he does it on purpose (but says not) because I asked. To be honest I rarely ask because there is always a friction or he so conditioned me to feel rubbish when I do, as it is obvious he does not want to be asked to do anything. I am on maternity leave now, but when not, we both work and commute to work. Needless to say that all childcare has to be sorted by me too. Does this sound like a man that is interested in his family? And why on earth he thinks it acceptable, I just do not get this. And yes I appreciate hormones are affecting me at the moment but this is precisely when you expect support but get same old shit.

He sounds like a useless arsehole. Why are you together? if you got divorced you'd have one less person to look after and every other weekend off...

Where do women on mumsnet find these useless articles...

That's not hormones. That's just you realising you married a selfish man who sees you as nothing more than someone to warm his bed and look after him and the household.

Do not have anymore children with him.

He's a dickhead. He'll never change, he is selfish and only cares about his needs.

Sod raising a kid with him. Get your strength back and get yourself free. Life is too short. And kids deserve to know that men don't get to treat people like shit and get away with it.

There must be something good about him or you wouldn't have three children with him!

Letsgetbizzy
I agree that this is completely unacceptable but do you honestly think such a selfish man will take responsibility for 3 children every other weekend ?
Posters repeatedly make this claim but you can’t force someone to parent !

He is totally selfish, do you want your children growing up thinking that its acceptable for the female in the relationship to carry 99% of the burden of childcare, housework etc.? If you split from the lazy, selfish arsehole you would have one less person to look after - would this make your life any more difficult???

I'm sorry, it sounds like you are going an incredibly difficult time. I remember once having an injury that meant I couldn't walk, my husband had an important meeting in Dubai and left me for five days . We had teenagers at the time. The meeting was worth a big contract affecting a lot of people and he couldn't not go but I still remember feeling completely desolate.

I think you deserve so much better than this, he just left you heavily pregnant and with other children..... I wish I could lend you a hand just now. Do you have support from friends or family?

And your husband sounds awful. BIM sorry but he really does.

Is hs high earner?
Get a home help in
Do you have job to go back to?
Are the older kids his?

I really don’t mean this rudely but why are you continuing to have children with him if he’s always been like this? He won’t change, why the hell would he, and you will always be struggling through life being the only one carrying the burden of looking after children and the house.

If you’re not happy with this, which you’re clearly not, have you considered divorce and leading a happier life?

you expect support but get same old shit
Here's your answer. What you want is not what he will give. This is how your life is so long as he is in it. You can't wave a magic wand and turn a frog to a prince.

Divorce.

That's how you solve this one.

He's a selfish piece of shit and you'll only get the tears and promises to change when he can see that his future looks like a big shitty pile of doing his own washing and cooking and having to do some solo parenting.

He sees you as a domestic appliance.

Divorce now, before the children are older. If you work, do everything for them already - you're losing nothing except having to make that financial shift. And he will have to pay.

No point in talking any more.

He sounds like a shit to be honest but I also don’t understand why you thought having another baby with him would be a good idea. If he has been like this for years he is unlikely to change.

Three choices now:
A) put up with it, carry on, feel resentful
B) confront him, tell him to step up,
C) leave

He is selfish. His wants come before your needs.

@thecakebadge

He sounds like a shit to be honest but I also don’t understand why you thought having another baby with him would be a good idea. If he has been like this for years he is unlikely to change.

Three choices now:
A) put up with it, carry on, feel resentful
B) confront him, tell him to step up,
C) leave

Well there is a fourth choice, actually. Marriage counselling.

Do you think he would agree to that, OP?

I feel so sad when I read these threads. Are you really not worth any better? He's already trained you not to nag, not to question his behaviour. He's living the dream, you're living the nightmare.

Only you can change this - and you don't need strangers to validate your feelings

He is massively selfish but he knows he can get away with it. You need to decide whether you're not going to put up with it which means a possible separation if he's not prepared to change.

Sounds like he only cares about his happiness not yours. And sounds like he thinks you’re a pushover. I don’t think there’s a “nice” way to resolve it.

I'm not sure what value he's bringing to your life... if you weren't with him there would be one less person to worry about. You probably know what you need to do, hope you find the strength to go for it.

Cngratulations on the new baby OP, but please don't have anymore.

None of what you have described is anywhere near normal but you know that already.

As for advice? I agree with @YoniAndGuy

Why would he go for marriage counselling @1stDecember ? Hes perfectly happy.

He is utterly selfish and gets away with it by deciding (pretending) to be completely unaware or just refusing to acknowledge that he has any part to play or any responsibility.
He doesnt see you as equals.
If you are both working/commuting there's no excuse for that and as for leaving you to fend on your own just after what sounds like a complicated birth, is horrible.

However, I can see how hard it must be to have a stand up argument ( which sounds like the only way to prod him into doing something) when you are exhausted and feeling like crap.

Do you have anyone else, family etc who could give you a bit of support at this time?

The only good thing to have come out of your relationship are your three children. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mother like you describe re your H too?.

Re marriage counselling I doubt that such a fundamentally selfish individual like OPs H would actually go to counselling at all. He feels entitled to act as he does and sees nothing wrong in this. He's living the dream at great cost to you physically and emotionally.

Two pieces of advice:
Use paragraphs
Stop having kids with him

The final straw for me was when h left to go to work and I couldn't look after myself never mind our dc.
My then 12 year old son was helping me walk and I thought, this isn't something he should be doing. His dad should!!
Any respect I had for him disappeared in a heartbeat.
My point is, it's not going to get any better.
I would try and talk to him after lining up your ducks.
congrats on new baby and good luck

Firstly for those who keep saying "dont have any more kids with him" Bit late now perhaps! Honestly what was he like first time round? Usually they start off OK, then gradually get worse!Sound like he has checked out of Family life right now doesnt it .For sure the only way forward is maybe to try Marriage Counselling maybe .He needs to see that you are a team that work together ,not Mr Im So Important and his "little " wife! You are working outside the home as well! Maybe you will have to consider your future together?

It really does seem from reading on MN that there are a lot of men out there who see their wives’ role as the support role for their lives rather than a relationship of equals. They do not view themselves as parents in the same way they view women as parents. These days they don’t even see themselves as having responsibility for meeting the financial obligations for the family so they can’t even be called traditional in that respect. It really is not in your husbands inters to see this for what it is so that is probably why he is dismissing you when you bring any of it up or what these men like to call “nagging”.