What's it called when...

[catcatcatcat]

A person constantly says things like;

"I was going to take you for a nice meal then but I can't now" if you say you're seeing a friend a certain evening.

Or

"I would have got you flowers but you called me all the way home so I couldn't stop as it would've been rude because you were talking to me"

Or

"I was going to suggest we do something nice as a family that day but we can't now"

Etc etc.

I know it's annoying. But is there an actual name for it? It's like they never have to actually do anything nice, just say they would have done. Is it to make me feel guilty? Or to make out they're a good person?

Whatever it is it's exhausting. And obviously all of the "I would have" comments aren't true because they're constant.

Bullshit?

Does it matter what it is called?
I'd call his bluff.

Wanker? Arsehole? I’m sure there is a professional name too.

Whatever it is - it isn't nice

The road to hell is paved with good intentions?

The bit where he claims he would have done something nice but it was your fault he couldn't is called guilt manipulation

Passive aggressive.

Not nice, and manipulative.

"I was going to give you a BJ but I can't now"

@MikeUniformMike my replies now are "that's a shame" or "if only you'd said earlier"

Yes. It's one of many things. Sorry. I just wondered if anyone had experienced this type of crap really. Sometimes I do actually feel guilty, well I used to, not so much anymore don't worry.

Retrospective false promises...

Aka being a dick.

Gaslighting?

It's called
"Could've Would've Should've"

Its an advanced case of knobheadery

@Whycantibetangy hahah

Bullshitter?

Has he been binge watching old episodes of 'Bullseye' by any chance? "this is what you could've won"

On a serious note, he sounds pretty exhausting and horrible to live with. Does he have any good qualities?

It's great when you no longer bother.
Make sure his Xmas gift is tiny, then tell him you were going to by him a Porsche but he didn't want to go on the family day.

@Guga less and less.

I have asked to start marriage counselling. It was a flat no.

So I'm ringing up to start counselling on my own tomorrow to get my head together and gather the necessary strength.

The last few months I've been disengaging & am happier starting to put myself first.

I was going to cook for you.. do your washing.. clean the house.. give you a BJ..

But I couldn't.

Coulda Woulda Shoulda

I think you're not alone many of us have experienced this and it's better when you start to see it for what it is. Putting yourself first is a huge step in the right direction OP. You've nothing to feel guilty about.

[quote catcatcatcat]@Guga less and less.

I have asked to start marriage counselling. It was a flat no.

So I'm ringing up to start counselling on my own tomorrow to get my head together and gather the necessary strength.

The last few months I've been disengaging & am happier starting to put myself first. [/quote]
"I would have worked on this relationship and stayed with you, but I can't now."

He's a lazy dreamer who doesn't follow through. Walter Mitty type.

I did think maybe gaslighting? I feel like there is a word for it. It's definitely a form of manipulation and patronizing. Are they controlling at all? xx

I dated a guy like that briefly. He wanted the benefits of being treated as if he had done them with zero efforts. Oh he was full of it.